Voici les deux années de Tweets restranscrites dans ce sujet…

Hélas certains liens, dont ceux de One Forty Plus, ne sont plus valides mais je m’efforce de fouiller dans la sphère internet pour retrouver les photos postées à l’époque (oui oui j’y arriverai ^^)

Chance of Friendship: Dream On!


What does this button do…?

(13 September 2010 )


To The Fans – Thank you all so much for making the Battle Studies tour such a huge success and a pleasure….

(13 September 2010 )


« Photo: The band. What a blast we had on stage and off. »

(13 September 2010 )

Just a fraction of the road crew that worked so hard for so many months. Thank you for your hard work

(13 September 2010 )


« I’m all about spontanuity. » – @13thwitness

(12 September 2010 4:47 AM, PDT )

They see us Nihongo-in, they hatin’

(12 September 2010 3:53 AM, PDT )

Oh, sir, you forgot our map, and your million dollars!!

(12 September 2010 1:40 AM, PDT )

Why is the A/C in uncomfortably hot locales always so uncomfortably cold?

(11 September 2010 10:42 AM, PDT )

West Palm Beach, you’re going to get an epic one tonight. Last show coming in HOT!!!!

(11 September 2010 8:15 AM, PDT )

Naaaah. That’s like saying one satanist can end Xmas. RT @GeriJarvis Because of that stupid minister in Gainsville!

(11 September 2010 6:39 AM, PDT )

Why is it that the 9th anniversary of 9/11 feels more like the first? There was healing and then the stitches popped. #iloveNY

(11 September 2010 6:19 AM, PDT )

Need a bail bondsman or a sax player. Either one. #TheShowMustGoOn

(10 September 2010 1:35 AM, PDT )

Genius. RT @memahoney omg that would be awesome! but they cant really breathe in the space smell to contrast so probably not.

(9 September 2010 12:14 AM, PDT )

Do you think when astronauts return home from long missions they detect an « Earth » smell they never knew was there?

(9 September 2010 12:11 AM, PDT )

Nicole « Scritti » Politti.

(8 September 2010 11:53 PM, PDT )

Team Jacoby and Meyers

(8 September 2010 11:47 PM, PDT )

This afternoon I took a nap and dreamed that cartoons were real but very difficult to photograph well.

(8 September 2010 11:41 PM, PDT )

Sleepless… I know he’s called Dwayne « The Rock » Johnson but theoretically shouldn’t he be « Dwayne » The Rock « Johnson »?

(8 September 2010 11:37 PM, PDT )

Photo: GPOYW – A Self Portrait of The Artist Three Days Before His Metaphoric Retirement

(8 September 2010 9:39 AM, PDT )

Photo: The One and Only Eddie

(8 September 2010 9:29 AM, PDT )

Thank you @drh3 @bob_Reynolds @seanehurley and @charlieontop. So proud to know yas. And thank you Eddie Owen.

(7 September 2010 10:36 PM, PDT )

Can’t explain the fullness in my heart from returning to Eddie’s Attic. My launching pad. I’m so moved.

(7 September 2010 10:35 PM, PDT )

Atlanta people! Lets jam out at Eddie’s Attic in Decatur. 11:30pm. Heading over now.

(7 September 2010 7:31 PM, PDT )

I said « be careful, his bow tie is really a camera. »

(6 September 2010 11:22 PM, PDT )

Cozy. – I had 3.3 million Twitter followers back in March when I announced that I’d be predominantly posting…

(6 September 2010 10:47 PM, PDT )

Photo: Detroit

(6 September 2010 10:38 PM, PDT )

I’ve got socks that have « L » and « R » labeled on them. Just another thing I can notice I’m doing wrong in my day. Thanks, socks!

(6 September 2010 6:11 PM, PDT )

The stages of a photographer

(6 September 2010 5:43 PM, PDT )

@samgmorrissey yes, always! Right handed = left handed watch.

(5 September 2010 11:54 PM, PDT )

Houston’s love kept me out of a chair. Would have loved to jump around but couldn’t. Thanks for keeping me upright, TX.

(5 September 2010 11:53 PM, PDT )

I wouldn’t say I have to « man up » as much as « girl it down. »

(5 September 2010 6:08 PM, PDT )

35 minutes remain. With one mind: TO ROCK AGAINST ALL ODDS!!!

(5 September 2010 5:57 PM, PDT )

I also don’t want to launch into a diatribe about how James Cameron’s Terminator was actually his first documentary.

(5 September 2010 5:56 PM, PDT )

I don’t want to take a Percocet because I don’t want to play extremely awesomely and know Percocet was to thank.

(5 September 2010 5:55 PM, PDT )

Let’s review this challenge: 1 thrown out lower back. 15 thousand fans. 6 chair options. Wussing out is not an option.

(5 September 2010 5:55 PM, PDT )

Saddened – “ Via SPRINGDALE, Ark. — Micayla Patterson, 17, was killed when the truck she was…

(5 September 2010 4:44 PM, PDT ) digging Sleeperstar… they take the side stage at 5pm. Check ’em out, Houston.

(5 September 2010 1:49 PM, PDT )

I just drank so much coffee that I’m like Tuco from Breaking Bad after sampling Walt’s meth. WOO! YAH!

(5 September 2010 1:20 PM, PDT )

Photo: Death

(4 September 2010 11:14 PM, PDT )

Photo: The Words With Friends Crew

(4 September 2010 11:11 PM, PDT )

Video: carlmayer: I love Darth Vader as the moody, petulant child.

(4 September 2010 1:42 AM, PDT )

You can go to and see deleted scenes of Jersey Shore. I thought that’s what they showed on TV. (APPLAUSE)

(3 September 2010 10:34 PM, PDT )

What’s up with The Jersey Shore having all the jagged film stock effects? Who’s the DP, Abe Zapruter? (APPLAUSE)

(3 September 2010 10:25 PM, PDT )

Tulsa, you blew the me and the band away. Sorry to take so many years to come by and say hi. Won’t be that long again. XO

(3 September 2010 10:19 PM, PDT )

Yay for random re-posts! I’m in Tulsa, and I’m feeling fine like cherry wine… see you in 3 mins, BOK Center

(3 September 2010 6:29 PM, PDT )

Keep a cork board full of newspaper snippets, especially the one that said you delivered a baby in the mall. #teachmehowtodoogie

(3 September 2010 5:12 AM, PDT )

Keep your window unlocked to allow your diminutive Italian neighbor friend to enter at all times. #teachmehowtodoogie

(3 September 2010 5:10 AM, PDT )

Sit at your Tandy computer at the end of each night and write a wistful journal entry. #teachmehowtodoogie

(3 September 2010 5:09 AM, PDT )

I don’t want to get all economics on you but I just spent the night investing in beef futures. #LIVEWITHIT

(3 September 2010 4:54 AM, PDT )

Like a Pixar movie, Wu-Tang was ostensibly for the kids but kept parents thoroughly entertained as well. #ITSATWEET

(3 September 2010 4:47 AM, PDT )

I just created a polymer by combining many small molecules known as monomers into a covalently bonded chain. #ITSAPROCESS

(3 September 2010 4:43 AM, PDT )

We all have a congenital hole in our heart. It comes down to how we go about filling it that matters.

(3 September 2010 4:37 AM, PDT )

Truth be told, Tulsa, tonight’s show in your city seems iffy. #ithinkiminreno?

(3 September 2010 4:29 AM, PDT )

I have unwritten songs stuck in my head. NYC F/W 2010/11 music season. RT @JustBlaze Plotting world takeover with @johncmayer

(3 September 2010 4:18 AM, PDT )

Anything anybody does for me I’ve already done myself. #TRUTH

(3 September 2010 1:58 AM, PDT )

Red Rocks, you were amazing tonight. 10k people driving 45 minutes into town on a one lane road to come sing along. Thank you!

(1 September 2010 10:41 PM, PDT )

@Lefsetz thanks man. It’s a lot more uncomfortable than it looks.

(1 September 2010 5:05 PM, PDT )

RT @mickmgmt: Catch @johncmayer live from Red Rocks tonight on @USTREAM at 8:45pm MDT #johnmayerlive

(1 September 2010 4:10 PM, PDT )

John Mayer Live at Red Rocks Sept 1st 8:45pm(MST)! (Broadcasting live at

(1 September 2010 2:30 PM, PDT )

The new Arcade Fire record isn’t supposed to be good. If you don’t understand you’re not supposed to. #hipstersalreadyhateme

(31 August 2010 11:43 PM, PDT )

@Lefsetz thanks. Didn’t I play that on acoustic though? And don’t you have a blog on how much I « get it » to write? (please?)

(31 August 2010 11:37 PM, PDT )

Loving the iPad keyboard dock. We’re just steps away from creating the fully functional laptop computer!!! (I do love it.)

(31 August 2010 11:27 PM, PDT )

Please – I’m not out to please everybody – I’ve actually been out to try not to displease anybody, and that’s…

(31 August 2010 2:05 AM, PDT )

Photo: nickholmes: (via peterfromtexas)

(30 August 2010 11:29 PM, PDT )

Photo: Inspiration Station

(30 August 2010 11:05 PM, PDT )

Photoset: Day off in Salt Lake City, UT… Milling around the Apple store, met a guy named Ben who said he had…

(30 August 2010 10:50 PM, PDT )

9 more shows left. Pulling the goalie on diet and exercise. Will resume on September 12. Emotional eating: YES!!

(30 August 2010 8:49 PM, PDT )

Just learned Pareto’s Rule of Partying: 80 percent of noise comes from 20 percent of guests. Brilliant, @bobreynolds!!

(30 August 2010 2:01 AM, PDT )

XO RT @tazkitty I do not typically use this word but in this case it is apropos E P I C @johncmayer & @keithurban show @ Gorge!!

(29 August 2010 12:58 AM, PDT )

Love you and everyone who came out! XO RT @_Val_K @KeithUrban @johncmayer thank you for the concert of my dreams. Love you both!

(29 August 2010 12:52 AM, PDT )

Just had the time of my life playing in @keithurban‘s set. Now listening to him CRUSH IT. You have got to see this guy’s show.

(28 August 2010 9:19 PM, PDT )

Intolerance – I feel like anybody who is against the building of an Islamic Cultural Center near Ground Zero…

(28 August 2010 5:04 PM, PDT )

Photo: Wish You Were Here

(28 August 2010 4:50 PM, PDT )

Can’t wait to play The Gorge with @keithurban tonight. Resisting the need to use exclamation points. But It’s gonna ROCK!!!!!

(28 August 2010 4:47 PM, PDT )

Photo: Keith Urban

(28 August 2010 4:42 PM, PDT )

Video: 20 Years ago today, the world lost one of the best guitar players of all time, Stevie Ray Vaughan….

(27 August 2010 5:58 AM, PDT )

Huffington Post FULL OF SHIT? (Yes!) – Ahh, Huffington Post, the internet Death Star. The world’s first…

(26 August 2010 12:48 PM, PDT )

RT @tonyheld RT @13thwitness the ultimate recognition… courtesy of @johncmayer #epicshit

(25 August 2010 3:07 PM, PDT )

A friend texted a gal: « Take a photo like that again, but push against each other so they smush. 🙂 » #classact

(25 August 2010 1:19 AM, PDT )

Battle Studies Tour Vs Los Angeles, round 2 tonight. Feeling extra good about it.

(24 August 2010 2:48 PM, PDT )

Not only did @bradmehldau fly out to play some songs at Hollywood Bowl, he did it on the eve of his 40th BDay!! Amazing.

(23 August 2010 4:16 PM, PDT )

Because annoying haters is fun. RT @Its_Hayley Oh @JohnCMayer, why do you have to be so damn talented and sexy?

(21 August 2010 10:44 PM, PDT )

RT @davidvwenzel@johncmayer Leroy Jenkins

(21 August 2010 3:41 AM, PDT )

What’s the video where the kid is on a multiplayer game and starts screaming and running early? Want to show the room party.

(21 August 2010 3:40 AM, PDT )

What are your concerns with this piece?

(21 August 2010 1:35 AM, PDT )

What are you looking to do, guy, pawn it or sell it?

(21 August 2010 1:35 AM, PDT )

Photo: Last night I had a dream I asked Bob Dylan if he was working on a new album, to which he replied…

(20 August 2010 4:26 AM, PDT )

While I’m playing the Hollywood Bowl, @realjeffreyross will be smoking it.

(20 August 2010 2:15 AM, PDT )

« I’ve seen it all but I was too fucked up to remember it. » – @realjeffreyross, 90 seconds ago.

(20 August 2010 2:13 AM, PDT )

Look, just because it itches doesn’t mean it stinks.

(19 August 2010 11:50 PM, PDT )

Guys, I’m about to post this POWER remix I made for Kanye… Just a few moreFUUUUUCK. #havetofollowusboth

(19 August 2010 10:37 PM, PDT )

If you miss the first 148 minutes of Inception, you won’t understand a thing that’s going on. #cametoolatetogetin

(19 August 2010 8:21 PM, PDT )

Hollywood Bowl With Brad Mehldau – This Sunday night’s show at the Hollywood Bowl will feature a mini-set of…

(19 August 2010 6:02 PM, PDT )

Photo: Hey, Isaac… John doll had his own seat on the plane! Thanks again.

(19 August 2010 2:50 AM, PDT )

Photo: My friend Isaac made me this doll of myself. I think he captured my “guitar face” perfectly.

(19 August 2010 2:48 AM, PDT )

Falling asleep next to your guitar is never corny. In fact I think it’s sort of beautiful.

(19 August 2010 2:18 AM, PDT )

Let’s go do some paperwork.

(18 August 2010 3:34 AM, PDT )

Look, at the end of the day, I brush my teeth, wash my face, climb into bed and fall asleep.

(18 August 2010 3:00 AM, PDT )

I also can’t throw a 95 mph fastball anymore. I think it’s because I got in a fight and broke my good luck necklace.

(18 August 2010 2:37 AM, PDT )

Ladies and gentlemen, I am no longer funny on Twitter. Literally 15 attempts to write a thought dashed by my own deleting. 😦

(18 August 2010 2:34 AM, PDT )

Just learned that when ordering a drink, a « twist » of orange is different than a slice or wedge. Twist = just the rind.

(16 August 2010 8:18 PM, PDT )

Photo: Revered photographer James Nachtwey, at his “Aftershock” Gallery opening in New York City.

(16 August 2010 6:30 PM, PDT )

Photo: Blackjack on the plane. Breath Savers as $10 chips.

(16 August 2010 3:17 AM, PDT )

Amen!! RT @drh3 Indy brought it….. and we rocked it until they made us quit

(15 August 2010 8:36 PM, PDT )

Chicago! Planning a big show tonight… Can’t wait to see ya.

(14 August 2010 2:20 PM, PDT )

Planning something so beautiful for the Hollywood Bowl show… Stay tuned

(14 August 2010 12:21 PM, PDT )

Today’s word of the day was fetid.

(14 August 2010 4:42 AM, PDT )

Late night one man introspective no-blinking all thinking cereal party.

(14 August 2010 4:42 AM, PDT )

I just got traded to Cleveland. Signed a 24-hour provisional contract with the Cavs for my concert tomorrow night.

(12 August 2010 9:42 PM, PDT )

Photo: Zach and Me

(10 August 2010 5:36 PM, PDT )

Photo: Zach Anner

(10 August 2010 5:22 PM, PDT )

True story: I get wasted and order products from Knife Show for my friends. Tony gets a $35.00 katana blade. Item no. CCN-10100.

(9 August 2010 2:05 AM, PDT )

Yo Twitter, you up? Need to talk to you. Let me know if I shouldn’t come over. On the way to you now. Need to fall asleep with you.

(9 August 2010 1:35 AM, PDT )

recent over the top shows: Boston, Saratoga « Oh my GAWD, (rik) OH mY GAWD (rik) OH MY GAWD! » amazing.

(8 August 2010 10:56 PM, PDT )

I have found the key to a happy life is to surround myself with like-minded people who agree with me constantly.

(7 August 2010 11:34 PM, PDT )

Not until gays in California can mar- what? They can? Holy fu- cool! Then no. RT @sarasicherman can you like, marry me? please?

(7 August 2010 11:30 PM, PDT )

About to drink one more beer while attacking the Sunday puzzle on iPad. Suck it hard, ’89 Crüe.

(7 August 2010 11:25 PM, PDT )

I love Fri/Sat night texts on tour. Them: « at (name of bar) where r u? » Me: « in my bunk doing the NYT crossword. Have fun though. »

(7 August 2010 11:21 PM, PDT )

@lights the only thing more remarkable than your landing a Twitter account with your first name is your acoustic album. River!

(7 August 2010 10:45 PM, PDT )

About to hit the stage after a lovely day in Boston hanging with some HS music students at the Berklee 5-week summer sessions.

(6 August 2010 5:41 PM, PDT )

Photo: carlmayer:

(6 August 2010 2:53 AM, PDT )

nickholmes: Nick, you are down for 4 tickets as of this moment. No Joke. I saw this episode of Parks and…

(5 August 2010 4:32 PM, PDT )

Video: nickholmes: This is precisely the reason why, in my future household, I will be changing the wifi…

(5 August 2010 12:05 PM, PDT )

Photo: Noted.

(4 August 2010 9:52 PM, PDT )

RT @ben_mayer Just had my lawyer read over the 92-page iTunes contract. He told me to agree to the Terms & Conditions and that I’m an idiot.

(4 August 2010 8:55 PM, PDT )

Photo: Dedication to an Ideal

(4 August 2010 6:35 PM, PDT )

Photo: Duke

(4 August 2010 6:21 PM, PDT )

Photo: GPOYW – (Gratuitous Picture of Yourself at Woodstock) Standing in the exact spot Jimi Hendrix did when…

(4 August 2010 5:11 PM, PDT )

« In one way, I suppose, I have been “in denial” for some time, knowingly burning the candle at both ends… »

(4 August 2010 4:25 PM, PDT )

If you haven’t seen Inception yet, DO SO! Then, look at this chart:

(3 August 2010 4:23 PM, PDT ) Silly.

(3 August 2010 12:33 PM, PDT )

Photo: Look what I just got… No, not the brand new Rolex green dial/green bezel Submariner, silly… JM silly…

(3 August 2010 12:09 PM, PDT )

The 8/31 end of combat will be the 9/1 beginning of making sure our troops come home to a US that cares for them. Believe that.

(2 August 2010 2:03 PM, PDT )

Does anyone know a good method of reactivating dried out moist flushable towelettes? #neverhome

(2 August 2010 11:30 AM, PDT )

Photo: Wiffle Ball Home Run Derby

(1 August 2010 11:54 PM, PDT )

I just woke up from a dream about drinking water. When you get to live your dreams, your actual dreams are boring as shit.

(1 August 2010 2:05 AM, PDT )

I wonder how much money it costs to get my name on an arena. I want to play the Horsehung Awesome Listener Center.

(31 July 2010 8:43 PM, PDT )

Great one at « Jiffy Lube Live » amphitheater. Everyone got a sticker on their windshield to them know the next time to get rocked.

(31 July 2010 8:40 PM, PDT )

If there’s one piece of advice I can give you, it’s to invest in Physical Gold. Not the metal, my new dance studio.

(31 July 2010 12:26 AM, PDT )

We all want to have the time of our lives without freaking out. I say FREAK OUT. Accept anxiety and it will disappear.

(30 July 2010 8:50 PM, PDT )

Something big is happening at these shows. I’m playing music and asking the crowd if they feel like I do… We all feel the same.

(30 July 2010 8:48 PM, PDT )

I want to start an internet TV network. I could do it with $10k. And a bunch of kids with fake mustaches just grabbing faders and pointing.

(30 July 2010 12:38 AM, PDT )

Night Cats!!! playing live now.

(29 July 2010 10:56 PM, PDT )

Photo: The Situation

(29 July 2010 9:06 PM, PDT )

@Photogenx not restrictive!!! Fixed 35mm is liberating!

(29 July 2010 5:39 PM, PDT )

Internet color code relative to your IQ. If somebody talks junk about you, just think « I don’t listen to what light blues have to say. »

(29 July 2010 5:26 PM, PDT )

How about « Internet Ink »… Over the course of a day the text gets lighter and lighter until the post is unreadable.

(29 July 2010 5:21 PM, PDT )

@petewentz my money’s on Sub Zero!

(29 July 2010 12:31 PM, PDT )

I have the Tri-Star Pictures fanfare theme stuck in my head. Now you do, too.

(28 July 2010 10:37 PM, PDT )

@samantharonson the aggregate needs a shit ton of help.

(28 July 2010 10:34 PM, PDT )

@samantharonson there r 2 « we »s in this country. The we as 1 unit and the we as a collection of 1s. I love the 1s

(28 July 2010 10:33 PM, PDT )

Replies are on fire. Apparently you want great art but you’d prefer it come from someone exactly like you. Good luck with that.

(28 July 2010 8:29 PM, PDT )

If you knocked Kanye when it was convenient, I trust you to stick to it and stay seated when his next shit hits the clubs.

(28 July 2010 8:13 PM, PDT )

Fact is, @kanyewest and I have a lot in common. All our BS is external with goodness inside, as opposed to the other way around

(28 July 2010 8:05 PM, PDT )

Yo, @kanyewest, welcome to twitter. Try not to use it as a marketing device. Tweeps will see through it. Give them YOU.

(28 July 2010 8:03 PM, PDT )

Is it bad luck to write that? Like now there’s a bigger chance it won’t happen?

(28 July 2010 2:14 AM, PDT )

Sometimes it bums me out that I’ll never get to see my own guts.

(28 July 2010 2:07 AM, PDT )

Cincinnati, you rocked so hard tonight I want to hump inanimate objects. 14,000 strong sharing in some amazing joy. THANK YOU.

(27 July 2010 9:11 PM, PDT )

RT @kellyoxford: When I handwrite an entire page it looks like I’ve had a stroke by paragraph two.

(27 July 2010 9:42 AM, PDT )

Show Your Notes – When I was a kid, probably around the days of middle school, I used to stay up late to…

(26 July 2010 3:01 PM, PDT )

Photo: Jack Bauer, coolest dog ever.

(26 July 2010 1:44 PM, PDT )

Lots of beautiful ladies in NYC this afternoon. #backonmygrind

(26 July 2010 12:14 PM, PDT )

Crazy storm this afternoon. Took out a lot of stage gear. 😦 I can only imagine two pigeons high fiving over a weather machine.

(25 July 2010 3:38 PM, PDT )

Sorry, Hershey. See you soon. RT @mickmgmt #johnmayer – Hershey Postponed To 8/5 –

(25 July 2010 1:28 PM, PDT )

I’ve heard lots of references today to « capris » « manpris » and « clam diggers » but the correct terminology is « high-water » pants.

(23 July 2010 7:51 PM, PDT )

Weekly Afro-Cuban night on XM channel 70. If you have satellite, give it an hour and see if you don’t love it.

(23 July 2010 7:29 PM, PDT )

walex: I don’t care who you are, if you’re performing music with other human beings and go by a word or words…

(23 July 2010 4:37 PM, PDT )

Lights – I’m really really really digging this Lights acoustic album right now. This is me telling you about…

(23 July 2010 4:08 PM, PDT )

Thanks to everyone who came out to the Today Show this morning. Huge turnout! We’re crazy tired but we’re crazy tired together.

(23 July 2010 3:46 PM, PDT )

Stay tuned to the Today Show after my performance. I’ll be sharing some healthy and delicious summer BBQ recipes.

(23 July 2010 4:36 AM, PDT )

I like playing the Today Show as much as I dislike waking up to play the Today Show. That is to say very, very much.

(23 July 2010 2:52 AM, PDT )

Photo: Manson and Evan Rachel Wood, Los Angeles

(22 July 2010 11:23 PM, PDT )


(22 July 2010 10:51 PM, PDT )

Photo: Futura

(22 July 2010 5:32 PM, PDT )

Backstage waiting to play! RT @ediesedgwick712 In my seat waiting for @johncmayer!!

(21 July 2010 4:48 PM, PDT )

@rahleighh I understand your plight and I’m « whipping » something up now.

(21 July 2010 12:40 PM, PDT )

If you’re coming to the Jones Beach show tonight, turn your geo-tagging on when you tweet. I wanna talk to tailgaters.

(21 July 2010 11:33 AM, PDT )

« Music is my outlet, but Jones Beach is my inlet. » – Me. See you JB goers soon…

(21 July 2010 1:37 AM, PDT )

Talk to me about lycopene.

(20 July 2010 10:54 PM, PDT )

Riboflavin: Do I Need More?

(20 July 2010 10:51 PM, PDT )

I’m at karaoke night at Cipriani listening to a dude with way too much money to be singing « Fight The Power. » #lifeastheatre

(18 July 2010 11:37 PM, PDT )

YOU KNOW THIS! RT @ThisHarvestMoon @johncmayer yep and best fans, too!

(18 July 2010 9:29 PM, PDT )

VA beach, you were amazing. I don’t mean to sound cocky but I have the best band a. on the road and b. I’ve ever played with.

(18 July 2010 9:23 PM, PDT )

Then I’d write something underneath like « BP announces fix. »

(17 July 2010 11:03 PM, PDT )

If I were a political cartoonist I’d draw the busted oil pipe in the gulf with a giant busted oil pipe-shaped rubber bumper on it.

(17 July 2010 11:01 PM, PDT )

RT @mickmgmt: We’ll be streaming the beginning of the @johncmayer concert tonight live from Raleigh, NC at 8:45pm EST on

(17 July 2010 4:52 PM, PDT )

« …and that’s exactly how you make people forget – keep parsing the facts in half while folding in newer,… »

(17 July 2010 12:51 AM, PDT )

blairsings: I’ve been reading blairsings for a while now, and while I usually wouldn’t get engaged in the…

(16 July 2010 5:25 PM, PDT )

I’m looking to blog, but only in extremely short, timely bursts. Any suggestions?

(14 July 2010 11:02 PM, PDT )

Photo: GPOYW – Chicago, 2007.

(14 July 2010 3:38 PM, PDT )

Broadcasting live now! See me at

(13 July 2010 11:32 PM, PDT )

Video: Ambigram logo design by John Langdon. An ambigram is a typographical design or artform that may be…

(13 July 2010 5:00 PM, PDT )

Simple. – I wish that when I was younger, I could have met my current self. We would have sat down at a…

(13 July 2010 12:43 AM, PDT )

Flowers for Tony

(12 July 2010 5:16 PM, PDT )

« Move, bitch, get out ‘the way!! » How RUDE. What about being polite and saying « excuse me, bitch, but may I get by you? » Manners.

(10 July 2010 10:46 PM, PDT )

Video: A Very Important Announcement.

(9 July 2010 9:15 PM, PDT )

Stay tuned for a very special announcement to be made in the next hour.

(9 July 2010 8:11 PM, PDT )

RT @GhostPanther Why is no one talking about absence of state income tax in FLA as a huge factor in LeBron James decision to go to the Heat?

(9 July 2010 1:21 AM, PDT )

RT @Leica_Camera Help @AICR & follow @Leica_Camera! Every follower=€.50 donation. 10K followers by July 9=extra €1,000 donation!

(8 July 2010 10:38 AM, PDT )

whatsimada asked: What would you do for a klondike bar?

(7 July 2010 7:20 PM, PDT )

anishak asked: Do you have any regrets?

(6 July 2010 5:01 PM, PDT )

Party pause: have a safe but extremely happy and calorie-rich weekend. Did I mention safe? Good. Now SMASH this WEEKEND’S ASS.

(4 July 2010 2:18 AM, PDT )

I love that verbiage. RT @SullivanIII Follow @johncmayer to see full frontal psychological nudity.

(1 July 2010 5:27 PM, PDT )

« see my previous works for my intentions/ I’m still running the game as aforementioned »

(1 July 2010 5:19 PM, PDT )

« turn my headphones up. Uh, uh… Yo you know what I’m about to say, so I don’t need to. I’m out! »

(1 July 2010 5:15 PM, PDT )

Just once, I want to hear a rap song with implicit lyrics.

(1 July 2010 5:12 PM, PDT ) You are not slick.

(28 June 2010 11:51 PM, PDT ) Let’s turn on the Internet Goodness Machine.

(28 June 2010 3:28 PM, PDT )

Being asked « do you feel okay? » is a really great way to invent a stomach ache. #thinkingofcomingbacktotwitter

(27 June 2010 1:28 AM, PDT )

Thanks all for coming.. XO RT @Estradaganza @johncmayer you killed it tonight. So fucking awesome! Hilarious, talented, THE MAN.

(17 June 2010 3:59 AM, PDT )

Village Underground: 130 W 3rd St, Btw 6th Ave and MacDougal St, Greenwich Village NYC.

(16 June 2010 11:41 PM, PDT )

3am show at Village underground… Going to play an hour set. $10.

(16 June 2010 11:31 PM, PDT )

« Hey, watch where you’re going, buddy! » #twittercameo

(27 May 2010 4:31 PM, PDT )

(27 April 2010 5:41 PM, PDT )

RT @JimCarrey: In a world where ‘sane’ often means ‘inauthentic’, I’d prefer to be called madman! }%^• OW OW oOoOwWW!!!

(20 April 2010 3:00 PM, PDT )

Sly and the Family Stallone #FakeCoachellaBandNames

(19 April 2010 3:23 PM, PDT )

Das Hoöfenmouten #FakeCoachellaBandNames

(18 April 2010 3:18 PM, PDT )

The 5 Six #FakeCoachellaBandNames

(18 April 2010 6:59 AM, PDT )

Straddlesphere #FakeCoachellaBandNames

(18 April 2010 6:57 AM, PDT )

Filament #FakeCoachellaBandNames

(18 April 2010 6:56 AM, PDT )

Going to Coachella just to hang, but if anybody cuts their hand while crow-barring their bandmate out of a car trunk, well

(16 April 2010 2:24 PM, PDT )

RT @tonyheld: Ask Tony Anything (Broadcasting live at

(15 April 2010 1:19 AM, PDT ) Thank you. (back to chilling…)

(14 April 2010 10:59 PM, PDT )

Thank you Chicago. What a night. Feeling every emotion at once… Ladies and gentlemen, I’m OUT. Tweet you in 2 weeks. XO JM

(10 April 2010 9:53 PM, PDT )

I’m blocking you first. RT @KateCarruth I’m unfollowing you.

(10 April 2010 3:59 PM, PDT )

How did you know that? Probably will. Trade secret. RT @ThisHarvestMoon and tomorrow you will wake up with a cold. Killlllll it!!!

(10 April 2010 3:51 PM, PDT )

Every last ounce of energy remaining is going into the show tonight

(10 April 2010 3:47 PM, PDT )

BIG FAT TOUR CLOSER IN CHICAGO, COMING IN HOT!!!! But first, packing up for 3 different trips at once… Forgot how hard this is.

(10 April 2010 3:33 PM, PDT )

RT @jordanrubin: Sometimes my inbox overwhelms me.

(9 April 2010 9:32 PM, PDT )

In case you were wondering, is still available for domain registration. You’re super welcome.

(9 April 2010 12:45 AM, PDT )

@samantharonson Yes, I promise. It’s just taking forever to render color for this « erotic nightmare flashback » sequence I’m editing.

(9 April 2010 12:33 AM, PDT )

I’m being schooled in video rendering right now. This is why Twitter can rock from time to time. Like a humid, throbbing Google.

(9 April 2010 12:23 AM, PDT )

@ataraxia_status yah, no, see, I don’t like that. Interesting info

(9 April 2010 12:22 AM, PDT )

the plugin could compare the current frame vs the last and then only re-render the pixels that had a different value than the last?

(9 April 2010 12:16 AM, PDT )

couldn’t someone write a Final Cut plugin that rendered only the changed pixels in each frame? Wouldn’t render times be faster?

(9 April 2010 12:16 AM, PDT ) absolutely positively the best fan video ever made. I’m blown away.

(8 April 2010 11:44 PM, PDT )

Just had a thorough cavity search at the US customs office. Turns out I have no cavities and they even gave me a new toothbrush!

(8 April 2010 12:12 AM, PDT )

Nothing would make him sicker than if you all went. RT @jordanrubin I’m performing at The Hollywood Improv [tonight] 10pm (Wed)

(7 April 2010 2:10 AM, PDT )

I’m such a bad DJ, my song transitions could be used as a weapon in war to disorient the enemy.

(6 April 2010 12:02 PM, PDT )

February & March was rough for me. #understatementoftheyear

(6 April 2010 1:33 AM, PDT )

‘s gettin heavy now. Bob Marley into Hall and Oates. Watch Meh!!!

(6 April 2010 12:06 AM, PDT )

I’ve been on glossy weeklies and I also know that a 12XY pre-amp tube in place of a 12AX7 will give you more headroom in an amp.

(5 April 2010 10:42 PM, PDT )

DJing the end-of-tour party with SMS help from @samantharonson. I love having specialists for friends. And an amazing tour family!

(5 April 2010 10:39 PM, PDT ) Phoenix – 1901 – A Takeaway Show.

(5 April 2010 4:32 PM, PDT ) The Roots Dilla Joints mix tape… Yes please thank you.

(4 April 2010 3:24 PM, PDT )

Currently in treatment for a validation dependency. It’s nice here.

(4 April 2010 12:51 AM, PDT )

Your reputation recedes you.

(3 April 2010 1:47 AM, PDT )

Cardiological Darwinism.

(3 April 2010 1:32 AM, PDT )

@tonyheld @jordanrubin this shit is banderas! B-A-N-D-E-R-A-S!

(2 April 2010 1:21 AM, PDT )

@jordanrubin @tonyheld this shit is bananas!!

(2 April 2010 12:08 AM, PDT )

@steelerjay you sound like a real riot to hang out with. BLOCKED.

(1 April 2010 11:59 PM, PDT )

Changes in life are like extra strength Gold Bond Medicated Powder. The burning means it’s working.

(1 April 2010 8:54 PM, PDT )

RT @tonyheld Interested in purchasing unfound treasure maps…please dm me or @johncmayer please be serious

(1 April 2010 1:35 AM, PDT )

Tony and I are starting a gold prospecting company and we’ve secured a website. Check us out at

(1 April 2010 1:33 AM, PDT )

Only @tonyheld and I can have such earnest and thoughtful conversation on our plans to search for sunken treasures.

(1 April 2010 1:27 AM, PDT )

I am my inner child’s sugar daddy.

(31 March 2010 4:01 PM, PDT )

I’m not interested in who you are as a person when you’re rockin’. I’m interested in who you are when you’re not.

(30 March 2010 12:50 AM, PDT )

Beautiful advice. We should all take it. RT @JalopyMusic never short yourself

(29 March 2010 5:34 PM, PDT )

Reading Twitter replies is like day-trading in a 24 hour ego stock exchange. JHNMYR 547.98 (funny joke, + .45)

(29 March 2010 5:29 PM, PDT )

Way proud, Carrot. RIP Carrot RT @carrot this fire is out of control. Not gonna make it. Take care of my iguanas. Ur proud rite

(29 March 2010 2:16 AM, PDT )

No joke, cops saw the tweet and they’re headed over. My boy Carrot is gonna set a garbage fire as a diversion. Let’s boogie.

(29 March 2010 2:08 AM, PDT )

Do NOT tell me that went out to everyone! You’re getting this as a DM, right? RT @CycleGirlPdC is this another DM??

(29 March 2010 2:03 AM, PDT )

Hey boo, false alarm. Coast is clear. No cops. This girl’s been up in my dome crawling around in my thoughts and what not.

(29 March 2010 2:00 AM, PDT )

Sorry, that was supposed to be a DM.

(29 March 2010 1:51 AM, PDT )

Go big or go small, but don’t go home because my sister’s ex dropped a dime on your meth lab and the fuzz is all up in your business.

(29 March 2010 1:50 AM, PDT )

« I don’t know that to be true » is the new « you’re out of your fucking mind if you believe that. »

(28 March 2010 11:30 PM, PDT )

I want someone to record my voice and turn it into a font.

(28 March 2010 10:13 PM, PDT )

Good Lord, when is this massage going to END?

(28 March 2010 9:19 PM, PDT )

Chikka chikka… Doom bowmp bowmp. Chikka chickka

(28 March 2010 6:02 PM, PDT )

Day off in Vegas. Plum out of seratonin and dopamine. Can I get a transfusion?

(28 March 2010 2:29 PM, PDT )

I wonder if 20 years from now my brothers and I will be getting cosmetic surgery just as gags to make each other laugh.

(28 March 2010 11:58 AM, PDT )

RT @JamesSmithComic: What happens in Vegas… is about to happen.

(27 March 2010 3:57 PM, PDT )

It’s 2:25pm and I just overheard someone say « the night is young. » Vegas.

(27 March 2010 2:29 PM, PDT )

It’s 2:60. I really should go to bed. Maybe I’ll get 3 dours of decimal sleep. On stage tomorrow night at 8:75.

(27 March 2010 6:19 AM, PDT )

This is what time it is now in decimal time.

(26 March 2010 11:34 PM, PDT )

Trying to switch to decimal time. 10 dours, 100 dinutes, 100 deconds. Check out the DeciTime app.

(26 March 2010 7:37 PM, PDT )

Beware of dumb people who are just smart enough to cover up being dumb. They lurk

(26 March 2010 3:54 PM, PDT )

Any day you begin by singing out loud in bed while stretching shows big potential in being an awesome day.

(26 March 2010 1:17 PM, PDT )

RT @HeyNiceSweater: Say what you will about @johncmayer, but I bet HIS manager has never been arrested.

(26 March 2010 4:22 AM, PDT )

@RachelT1010 yup.

(26 March 2010 3:26 AM, PDT )

You have to deal with the idiot if you want the savant.

(26 March 2010 3:18 AM, PDT )

Turn these bus lights out. Pull the window shades up. Turn on Dylan. Look at the world go by. Now we’re on the road.

(26 March 2010 2:58 AM, PDT )

… And Chad Franscoviak, Steve Rinkoff, that Dave guy, that other Steve guy, Bill Chrystler, that guy Rusty, video dude, etc

(26 March 2010 1:42 AM, PDT )

… and Michael McDonald, Rene’ Martinez, George Bade, Mark Skaggs, Rit Venerus. Scott Clayton. And John Artes. And Mimi Sullivan.

(26 March 2010 1:40 AM, PDT )

And if you don’t think I’m unbeatable, you haven’t met Chris Adamson. And Ken Helie. And Chris Gott. And Missy Coggiola. And

(26 March 2010 1:36 AM, PDT )

I am unbeatable not because of who I am but because of my band, my crew, and my crowd. Thank you Los Angeles.

(26 March 2010 1:34 AM, PDT ) On Jim Marshall

(25 March 2010 3:47 PM, PDT )

RT @mickmgmt: A special surprise for fans in Fargo, who’ve done their best to get involved in relief efforts.

(25 March 2010 3:47 PM, PDT )

RIP Jim Marshall.

(24 March 2010 5:10 PM, PDT )

Landed in LA! Check out the cool ‘vintage camera’ app I got for iPhone.

(24 March 2010 12:42 PM, PDT )

Did you know there is a Las Vegas, NM? They have a slogan, too. « What happens in Las Vegas, NM – no seriously, what happens? »

(24 March 2010 7:57 AM, PDT ) On through the night

(24 March 2010 3:04 AM, PDT )

@heidkampw you know, I really don’t?

(24 March 2010 2:43 AM, PDT )

Alcohol was made for cowboys, sailors, soldiers and the stranded traveler.

(24 March 2010 1:44 AM, PDT )

Phone call! Roads open! Bus heading south, out of the storm… Destination: New Mexico.

(24 March 2010 1:22 AM, PDT )

Can a band and crew get to the Staples Center by showtime on Thursday?! We’ll find out! Stay tuned

(23 March 2010 10:30 PM, PDT )

Welcome to the strangest tour story ever. All the roads in Denver are CLOSED

(23 March 2010 10:29 PM, PDT ) Depends on Who You Ask.

(23 March 2010 4:13 PM, PDT )

RT @drakkardnoir: Life is like a confused teacher…first she gives the test and then teaches the lesson

(23 March 2010 3:27 PM, PDT )

@Juliamoon92 drive safely!!!

(23 March 2010 8:14 AM, PDT ) « NY-Z: An ABSOLUT Collaboration with Jay-Z, » by Danny Clinch.

(23 March 2010 7:13 AM, PDT )

CHRONOPOL estimates that in ’84, there was over US $10 BIL in POST ’84 money circulating. This is why Wall St. flourished.

(23 March 2010 1:45 AM, PDT )

To be clear: taking money into the future will weaken the dollar. Taking it into the past strengthens it.

(23 March 2010 1:41 AM, PDT )

@dannio73 it’s unlikely that fresher air would make us sick. It’s more likely we would become very sleepy and need to nap.

(23 March 2010 1:32 AM, PDT )

@peerbolte the dollar may rebound vs other world markets, but this pales in comparison to overall inflation over the *past* 100 years.

(23 March 2010 1:25 AM, PDT )

I believe the US mint has changed the look of currency to prevent time travelers from smuggling cash into the past.

(23 March 2010 1:19 AM, PDT )

Great point! RT @natethreepoint0 Yes. The [inverse] being, a trip to the past would bring a euphoric high.

(23 March 2010 1:17 AM, PDT )

Do you think if time travel was possible that we’d have to wear respirators because of the sudden decline in future air quality?

(23 March 2010 1:13 AM, PDT )

Guitar players of the world: thinking of giving lessons on Ustream every once in a while… Thoughts?

(22 March 2010 4:26 PM, PDT )

« Your son has quite an imagination! » I said to my mother while dressed as Ms Drexoll, my 3rd grade teacher.

(21 March 2010 8:17 PM, PDT )

Sunday night songwriting: « I Found Myself (When I Lost You) »

(21 March 2010 5:48 PM, PDT )

@joshgroban I know. What are you, eggplant? Trying to be a meat, or something? Just be you.

(20 March 2010 4:43 PM, PDT )

Internet is so slow today, I have to rotary dial my tweets.

(20 March 2010 4:42 PM, PDT )

I’ve since written exactly zero (0) rhymes and I now have type 2 diabetes. Thanks, THE CARTER documentary.

(20 March 2010 2:00 PM, PDT )

In an effort to be more like Lil’ Wayne, I started drinking syrup, but all I could find was Log Cabin Maple.

(20 March 2010 1:59 PM, PDT )

One word: « priors. » RT @ditearsyad why won’t you do a concert here in Jakarta? We love ur music

(20 March 2010 1:18 AM, PDT )

Bring Xanax. RT @lillygrub I would love to live inside your head. Well, just for a day maybe…….just sayin’

(20 March 2010 1:01 AM, PDT )

I’m doing my best! Jeez. RT @katiepotaty Shady guy singing Your Body is a Wonderland at a karaoke bar in Seattle as I write this.

(20 March 2010 12:57 AM, PDT )

Thank you Memphis! Drinking a mint julep in your honor. It’s the first mint julep I’ve made, so it’s not right yet. Any tips?

(19 March 2010 10:50 PM, PDT )

If I FedEx a package to myself at the FedEx forum today, how far would it travel to end up at the FedEx forum again?

(19 March 2010 2:08 PM, PDT ) Thinking of Willie Mitchell today. Father of the Memphis Sound and the magic on « I’m Gonna Find Another You. »

(19 March 2010 2:00 PM, PDT )

Memphis’ favorite sports drink since 1879.

(19 March 2010 1:48 PM, PDT )

Memphis- reading your mentions about being psyched for tonight’s show is like getting to party in the parking lot with you. Thanks.

(19 March 2010 11:13 AM, PDT )

And what is your homicidal maniac daughter’s name, or rather, how does she prefer to be addressed?

(18 March 2010 2:03 PM, PDT )

Woman: « my daughter will kill me if I don’t get an autograph. » Wait, you’re afraid your daughter is going to kill you?

(18 March 2010 1:44 PM, PDT )

Thank you ATL for an amazing night. I built my dreams here and you brought them to life all over again. See you in the Summer

(17 March 2010 9:06 PM, PDT )

It’s an odd thing, getting stuck in your own post-show traffic. It’s so « boo » yet so « yay. »

(17 March 2010 9:05 PM, PDT )

An idea: USDCO – Universal Standard of Digital Camera Operations. Own one, know how to use them all. No? Okay. Just checking.

(17 March 2010 5:35 PM, PDT ) @kellyoxford Kelly oxford.

(17 March 2010 4:12 PM, PDT )

@samantharonson to be fair, I’ve done some film work myself.

(16 March 2010 3:59 PM, PDT ) –

(16 March 2010 3:58 PM, PDT )

johncmayer I didn’t know @samantharonson was in « Better off Dead. »

(16 March 2010 3:42 PM, PDT )

You ever wonder what happened to Terence Trent D’Arby? Bieber ended him with one call. And it went to voicemail.

(16 March 2010 2:12 AM, PDT )

Okay Justin, see you in a few!! Hehe. Allrig– (His fanbase will END you if he gives the word. They’re just kids. Right?)

(16 March 2010 2:07 AM, PDT )

I think Justin Bieber is a dynamite young artist. (guys… I’m scared of him and his fan– here he comes! Look busy!) Hi Justin!

(16 March 2010 1:53 AM, PDT )

@pandadhpd actually, studies have proven that light to moderate consumption of alcohol significantly lowers cardiac mortality rates.

(16 March 2010 1:48 AM, PDT )

« Liquor will get you through times without money better than money will get you through times without liquor. » – unknown

(16 March 2010 1:04 AM, PDT )

HA!! RT @brandice79 just saw @johncmayer in Greensboro. Old Man Fred Gunderson, that was an amazing show!!

(15 March 2010 9:15 PM, PDT )

Whenever they say it can’t be done, remind them that they make a jellybean that tastes exactly like popcorn.

(14 March 2010 10:10 PM, PDT )

No lie, I did too…RT @trubluebaby when i first saw the term LOL i thought it meant lots of laughs. i like that better than laugh out loud.

(14 March 2010 10:07 PM, PDT )

If I wanted to make a big impression my first day in prison, I’d walk up and punch the smallest, oldest dude in the face.

(14 March 2010 8:38 PM, PDT )

@capricecrane And in extreme situations I used to use his full name, « Old Man Fred Gunderson! »

(14 March 2010 3:44 PM, PDT )

@capricecrane I used to say « Old Man Gunderson! » whenever I was in awe, but thankfully they shortened it to « OMG. »

(14 March 2010 3:43 PM, PDT )

@capricecrane LOL! (« Land O’ Lakes! »)

(14 March 2010 2:38 PM, PDT )

When I respond to a text or email with « HA! » I wasn’t laughing aloud. « HA » stands for « humor appreciated. »

(14 March 2010 2:05 PM, PDT )

Teaching a plebe to play Modern Warfare. Astounding how hard it is to instill left/right stick movement… This might be a while.

(14 March 2010 12:42 AM, PST ) BOOTSY!!!

(13 March 2010 10:01 PM, PST )

Tosh.0 is a FUNNY show. That’s all I want. A funny show. It’s funny cause Tosh is funny. He’s likable which means everything.

(13 March 2010 9:47 PM, PST )

Love the image. RT @hstewart67 « It’s been a long night in New York City. » Longer tonight as the rain fogs up the windows of the subway.

(13 March 2010 5:13 PM, PST )

By the way, only from showgoers please. Thanks.

(13 March 2010 4:45 PM, PST )

I will be reading 8 twitter-sent shout outs from the stage tonight. Send me what you would like me to shout about you

(13 March 2010 4:42 PM, PST )

A real Columbus Steamer tonight… One of the best crowds of the tour! You brought out the best in us. Big love from us all. Xoxoxox

(12 March 2010 9:07 PM, PST )

Have a great weekend, all… And Columbus, OH, can I see you in my office please?

(12 March 2010 5:30 PM, PST )

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. F9.

(12 March 2010 2:25 AM, PST )

I’m reading the entire Bible on chatroulette tonight. Starting in 2 minutes.

(12 March 2010 2:21 AM, PST )

psychophysicotherapeutics seems to be the hardest word.

(12 March 2010 1:44 AM, PST )

LOL STILL GOT IT! RT @johncmayer I hope this doesnt come off as stuck up but Iv been refrring to myself a lot in the 4th person lately.

(11 March 2010 11:32 PM, PST )

RT @koreantomcruise: If this club was a japanese sneaker collab it would be called deafxseizure

(11 March 2010 10:31 PM, PST )

I hope this doesn’t come off as stuck up, but I’ve been referring to myself a lot in the fourth person lately.

(11 March 2010 6:59 PM, PST )

Had a good day: played a big show in New Orleans, used a metaphor nobody on Twitter understood… Good, good times.

(10 March 2010 10:00 PM, PST )

Painful as it may be sometimes, I recommend going through life without the epidural.

(10 March 2010 12:52 PM, PST )

@GinaRClark love this tweet. XO

(9 March 2010 11:15 PM, PST )

@Klassp yes you can! Remember: endurance begins when the fight becomes unreasonable. You can doo eeet!!!!!

(9 March 2010 11:11 PM, PST )

Thank you Dallas!!! And thanks Mavs organization. Look for the Kidd jersey I wore tonight in tomorrow’s game. Too cool.

(9 March 2010 11:08 PM, PST )

« You’re going to enjoy the sonic quality of PURE DIGITAL SOUND. 44.1k, 16 bit. That is the HIGHEST QUALITY AVAILABLE on CD. »

(9 March 2010 3:59 PM, PST )

« You have a favorite song, and you just don’t know that one line, those LYRIC PAGES are going to TELL you EXACTLY what I’m singing. »

(9 March 2010 3:56 PM, PST )

« you get the 18 PAGE FULL…COLOR…BOOKLET. WITH LY-RICS! How many times are you listening to a song and don’t know the words? »

(9 March 2010 3:56 PM, PST )

I would like to sell my CD on QVC but rather than just play songs live, I want to SELL IT!

(9 March 2010 3:55 PM, PST )

My stuff from QVC arrived today. Spraying Nick Chavez hair products on the unsuspecting and then showing them rare silver coins.

(9 March 2010 3:45 PM, PST )

Awesome afternoon in Dallas. Shootaround with Mavs coaches and sushi at Kenichi. I recommend it as a pregame spot tonight.

(9 March 2010 3:11 PM, PST )

@jasonjunker Happy Birthday!!!

(8 March 2010 9:46 PM, PST )

RT @ksulycos: HOLY CRAP! Guy just proposed to his girl one row in front of me @johncmayer ‘s concert! She said yes, all is right in the

(8 March 2010 8:32 PM, PST )

@stylesformiles I’ve had it in mind for years now to make a JDxJM album using his beats to write/record new songs to.

(8 March 2010 5:20 PM, PST )

Interesting: we comprehend an hour only during duress. The rest of the time we don’t consider it, ie « I get to party for 3 hours. »

(6 March 2010 6:31 PM, PST )

Aha! The true definition of an hour. RT @louisduda not until they have a shtty job.

(6 March 2010 6:28 PM, PST )

Still thinking about our discussion this morning: tell me – at what age can a child comprehend how long an hour is?

(6 March 2010 6:25 PM, PST )

Enjoying a meal rich in Omega-3 fatty acids and flavanoids. Tonight’s show requires it.

(6 March 2010 5:42 PM, PST )

How about « live today like it’s not coming around for another week »? Yah, I like that. Have a great one

(6 March 2010 10:47 AM, PST )

No, the other way around. RT @densc why? would you accidently kill the first row while trying to set your strat on fire???

(6 March 2010 10:36 AM, PST )

BINGO. Love this!! Desire vs time. RT @Ilacoin What you’re actually doing is teaching them about time and desire.

(6 March 2010 10:32 AM, PST )

It’s like « play each show like your last. » No way, pal! My last show would get me arrested. I’d be like « f this. It’s my last show! »

(6 March 2010 10:29 AM, PST )

I dont know where you get your data but im inclined to believe it. RT @andrewsgotaface you start dying at age 22

(6 March 2010 10:19 AM, PST )

How young is too young an age to teach your kids to live like they’re dying?

(6 March 2010 10:09 AM, PST )

@julianamsully (((((((HUG)))))) hang in there.

(5 March 2010 11:01 PM, PST )

So wrong, and yet so much more wrong. RT @kamitownsend my ex was at tonight’s show. I hope he was sitting way too close to a speaker

(5 March 2010 10:55 PM, PST )

Laughing at the requests: « Raining Blood » by Slayer, « That’s How I Beat Shaq » By Aaron Carter, Jaws and « Arthur’s Theme. » Done.

(5 March 2010 7:25 PM, PST )

I’m on it! RT @PhilBunyi growing pains theme song

(5 March 2010 7:18 PM, PST )

Warming up now… what do you want to hear in the solo acoustic spot?

(5 March 2010 7:14 PM, PST )

Tonight’s show will be created using a technique known as « Built-in Scrumtrulescence. »

(5 March 2010 6:11 PM, PST )

I just realized the arena is a treasure trove of drum and percussion samples. Going to run around with my stereo mic and hit stuff.

(5 March 2010 1:19 PM, PST )

RT @discobisc I’m thinking of recording ‘Catch a Falling Star’. No Como.

(5 March 2010 3:50 AM, PST )

RT @TheFunnyJosh I’m thinking of starting a low-cost, well-managed chain of hotels nationwide. No hojo.

(5 March 2010 3:44 AM, PST )

I’m thinking of becoming a transient and jumping trains, picking up work where I can find it. No hobo.

(5 March 2010 3:20 AM, PST )

Now playing Jay Dilla aka Jay Dee aka Dilla Dawg aka Pay Jay. Miss this dude’s touch on modern music since he passed

(5 March 2010 1:41 AM, PST )

Buy « A Walk Across The Rooftops » and listen to it on the way to work tomorrow. See how it changes your day.

(5 March 2010 1:34 AM, PST )

Anybody here a Blue Nile fan? « A Walk Across the Rooftops » might be the record you’ve been waiting for…that came out 25 yrs ago.

(5 March 2010 1:31 AM, PST )

Laying in bed, lights out, windows open, watching the road go by. Soundtrack courtesy of Bob Dylan.

(4 March 2010 10:41 PM, PST )

A discerning ear would have picked up the opening lines of Skid Row’s 1991 classic « Monkey Business » before Vultures this evening.

(4 March 2010 9:39 PM, PST )

Let me just say out loud what everyone is thinking: was that really Nikki Sixx on the 1986 Theatre of Pain tour or an imposter?

(3 March 2010 1:47 PM, PST )

You say « give room service a call to have your tray picked up » and I hear « go ahead and let that fester in there for days. »

(3 March 2010 1:35 PM, PST ) Found Item – « Inner City Blues » cover.

(2 March 2010 4:31 PM, PST )

Just bought the Nick Chavez Body Builder Spray And 3-piece Ego Boost set. I will be handing these out in the front row soon.

(2 March 2010 12:05 AM, PST )

Nick Chavez is roughing these women UP in the name of great hair. He just maced the host with Body Building Spray.

(1 March 2010 11:47 PM, PST )

Nick Chaves is showing his haircare products. Item A-201383. RT @9Toni83 lol you should shop QVC much better 🙂

(1 March 2010 11:37 PM, PST )

I used FlexPay™. 2 payments. RT @marshallea 4 easy payments of 29.99?

(1 March 2010 11:30 PM, PST )

Bored on the bus: just bought a set of 3 Satin Silver Eagle Dollar Coins on HSN. Item number 281-568. Michelle was very helpful.

(1 March 2010 11:27 PM, PST )

Warming up for showtime. Tonight’s one of those nights I would have wanted to play whether I had a show or not. T minus 11

(1 March 2010 7:19 PM, PST )

I got a Sunday night heart.

(28 February 2010 9:37 PM, PST )

Grand Rapids, MI and Throbbing Springs, PA are the two cities in the US that sound the most like water parks.

(28 February 2010 2:05 PM, PST )

Two Krispy Kreme doughnuts, good. Three Krispy Kreme doughnuts, bad.

(28 February 2010 1:54 PM, PST )

If you want to look real smart on a plane, take out the day’s crossword puzzle and fill it in as fast as you can with gibberish

(28 February 2010 1:27 PM, PST )

How can you watch Jersey Shore for 9 hours and then act like you only listen to Beethoven’s fifth? Okay. Point made. Night.

(27 February 2010 9:52 PM, PST )

Stop telling your friends you detest the ke$ha song and then dancing to it at home. How about some accountability, people?

(27 February 2010 8:56 PM, PST )

Though I must add I tried brushing with a bottle of Jack and I chipped a tooth on the glass. Where might I remit an invoice?

(27 February 2010 8:48 PM, PST )

Dear Ke$ha, you have won me over with your tricks and charms and I must tell you I really like your song.

(27 February 2010 8:46 PM, PST )

If I don’t walk right and the sound sucks at MSG tomorrow it’s because I got in a grappling wedgie war with Chad the sound engineer.

(26 February 2010 1:23 AM, PST )

MSG crowd, will you tweet me when you get home safe? It’s bad out. Oh, and HOLY SHNIKES. You were unreal tonight.

(25 February 2010 9:16 PM, PST )

MSG people! Drive safe tonight. We’ll play the set in reverse order to make sure everyone catches the beginning.

(25 February 2010 12:21 PM, PST )

Thanks BOS! Ready NYC? RT @tarakrzyzewski [JM] shows are better for the heart than Lipitor. 20k people fell in love at the Garden tonight.

(24 February 2010 9:59 PM, PST ) Sign of The Times

(24 February 2010 12:17 PM, PST )

Boston… Beautiful in any weather. Can’t wait to play for/to you tonight.

(24 February 2010 11:16 AM, PST )

8 out of 8 band members agree, Philly is always an awesome show. XO J

(21 February 2010 11:01 PM, PST )

Goodnight Tenori-on.

(16 February 2010 4:07 AM, PST )

Thank You Toronto. Here is my friend Isaac I was telling you about. He made me the valentine card tonight.

(14 February 2010 8:59 PM, PST )

I just wanted to play the guitar for people. Everything else just sort of popped up and I improvised, and kept doubling down on it

(10 February 2010 2:30 PM, PST )

@adilla They don’t make rehab centers for being an a-hole.

(10 February 2010 2:26 PM, PST )

@CRHines17 True. But some mistakes are hard to pinpoint because they happen slowly and over long periods of time

(10 February 2010 2:24 PM, PST )

Again, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m equivocating: I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.

(10 February 2010 2:17 PM, PST )

I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don’t have the stomach for it.

(10 February 2010 2:14 PM, PST )

It started as an attempt to not let the waves of criticism get to me, but it’s gotten out of hand and I’ve created somewhat of a monster.

(10 February 2010 2:13 PM, PST )

And while I’m using today for looking at myself under harsh light, I think it’s time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews

(10 February 2010 2:12 PM, PST )

because I realize that there’s no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.

(10 February 2010 1:46 PM, PST )

to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it,

(10 February 2010 1:45 PM, PST )

Re: using the ‘N word’ in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it’s such a shame that I did because the point I was trying

(10 February 2010 1:44 PM, PST )

Even if I knew where to buy Odin’s Fury – and I don’t – but even if I did, I’m just saying my guy Corey is away in Nashua, NH.

(9 February 2010 3:56 AM, PST )

@mertmij Odin’s Fury is not for those with a sensitivity to leather or mallets. Increased risk of lightning attack may occur.

(9 February 2010 3:50 AM, PST )

@frankiemuniz Ask your doctor about cheeseburgers.

(9 February 2010 3:49 AM, PST )

@soPhistoCrat lol

(9 February 2010 3:37 AM, PST )

I need to stop taking pills with names that are palindromes: Xanax, H-Coninoch, Lipilipil, Seresiseres XR, Odin’s Fury

(9 February 2010 3:36 AM, PST )

What’s that song that goes « It’s a quarter after one, I just huffed a can of ceiling paint and I need you now? » I like that one.

(9 February 2010 3:13 AM, PST )

@pmeze you’re welcome. Sweet dreams.

(9 February 2010 1:36 AM, PST )

Charleston should teach awesome crowd lessons. Unreal tonight! RT @drh3 Charleston BROUGHT IT

(8 February 2010 9:16 PM, PST )

And that’s what adulthood is: you wake from the nightmare and realize there’s no bigger bed to climb into.

(8 February 2010 2:22 AM, PST )

@SHERRYCALLOWAY that’s why I’m here. Have a great week.

(8 February 2010 12:52 AM, PST )

Remote control on the floor means « please wash. » Remote on the night stand means « I’ll use again. »

(8 February 2010 12:12 AM, PST )

I like to dry off after a shower with the comforter. My room, my rules.

(8 February 2010 12:08 AM, PST )

I’m the hotel guest your local news investigator warned you about.

(7 February 2010 11:57 PM, PST )

But now I’m too excited for this new crying style to be sad. And that makes me mad as hell. RT @derekmcooper Invent a new way of crying

(7 February 2010 10:54 PM, PST )

Special brand of Sunday night, that one on tour with the night off… I’m either going to cry like a baby or invent something.

(7 February 2010 10:49 PM, PST )

Just opened a new mental account for LP5… I love it when that little birdie flies in and says « there’s more to write. »

(7 February 2010 8:59 PM, PST )

@cwm76 @ben_mayer I can think of at least six ways to make « Turn The Tub Around » into something lewd but I won’t. But call me.

(7 February 2010 1:45 PM, PST )

Someone in J-ville take this beauty out! RT @claireparrishh {JM} and his guitar is the only thing able to soothe my loneliness tonight..

(6 February 2010 8:48 PM, PST )

@CertainlySher I’m too jaded to be cocky.

(6 February 2010 8:45 PM, PST )

I took the CEO out for Skee-Ball and Go-Karts and never called again. RT @Dogging_UK Why is E! always dogging @johncmayer ?

(6 February 2010 8:44 PM, PST )

Best review ever!!! Thank you. RT @masontwain Loved that you don’t put on a show, you are the show.

(6 February 2010 8:42 PM, PST )

@cdanigirl see you in a few hours!

(6 February 2010 4:58 PM, PST )

I don’t know why some iPhone apps have the word « Pro » in them. How am I supposed to make a living using an alarm clock?

(6 February 2010 4:36 PM, PST )

@mephjeff I’m not aware of any Pay-Per-View event. I apologize for the inconvenience. Ballads have no place in full-contact sport.

(6 February 2010 4:13 PM, PST )

@CauseILoveHer Nostalja-vu

(6 February 2010 3:04 PM, PST )

It feels like a Saturday. I know today is Saturday but it feels more like a Saturday from three weeks ago.

(6 February 2010 3:02 PM, PST )

@mephjeff hi there. What’s up?

(6 February 2010 2:59 PM, PST )

@Lovely_meRita Actually your dad and I have sort of hit it off. He’s a cool guy. Loves you a lot. Tell him I want my 5 iron back!!

(6 February 2010 2:57 PM, PST )

Feels good to make music again. I don’t really do anything else all that well, so it’s nice to be back.

(5 February 2010 9:16 PM, PST )

RT @kellyoxford: Anonymous rude comments are the coolest way to anonymously tell the world you don’t think you are very important.

(5 February 2010 6:15 PM, PST )

@13thwitness I have known this for some time. Welcome to the road, sir!

(5 February 2010 6:13 PM, PST )

@Horimitsu gambatte!!

(5 February 2010 4:27 PM, PST )

Hey, Tampa – what song would you like to hear in the encore with just an acoustic guitar tonight?

(5 February 2010 4:03 PM, PST )

I’d be one big ramp for that show to jump the shark with. No thanks. RT @LMG_325 U should make a guest appearance on that show

(5 February 2010 2:29 PM, PST )

Heard I was mentioned on 30 Rock last night. Don’t know if it was a dig or not, but either way I’m psyched. Love that show.

(5 February 2010 2:25 PM, PST )

Since all words starting with a lower case « i » have already been TMed, let’s begin anew with a lower case « u » and an animal name.

(5 February 2010 11:46 AM, PST )

Home sweet home away from home…

(4 February 2010 2:38 PM, PST ) – I love this sentiment. (Via Norse Projects.)

(4 February 2010 11:23 AM, PST )

Just saw the new John Mayer promo pics. I’m really happy for you, @markhoppus. Have a great tour!

(4 February 2010 9:05 AM, PST )

@bobblablaw Nice tryM14EBRThermal but that’s not going to get a replyDesertEagle. Maybe next time. Estate.

(3 February 2010 11:36 PM, PST )

My life on the road is a lot like ’70s Fleetwood Mac, except instead of cocaine it’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

(3 February 2010 11:24 PM, PST )

3.65930571 I won the Field’s medal in mathematics. That’s Ms. Field’s. RT @iamsandruhhh do you know the cube root of 49?

(3 February 2010 11:21 PM, PST )

« I’m forever yours/which you know/but right now I’m about to beat special ops with Doug on hard so call you in a few/FAITHFULLY »

(3 February 2010 11:06 PM, PST )

Journey obviously wrote « Faithfully » before they started building road cases for pretty much anything.

(3 February 2010 11:03 PM, PST )

On the bus to Florida. Here we go again!!! I always think about that line from The Abyss: « your body will remembah! »

(3 February 2010 5:18 PM, PST )

@markhoppus Things to know: bus code is 1912, no scotch til 7 and when in doubt talk about your genitals. Oh, and Have fun! xoFOB

(3 February 2010 12:32 PM, PST )

We now call it « Get To Sleep Marty And Dream Your Funky Ass A Nightmare. » RT @borgcustom Queensryche?! Silent Lucidity, right?

(3 February 2010 12:23 PM, PST )

As defacto leader and bass player of Fall Out Boy, I am thrilled to announce Queensryche’s Geoff Tate is our new singer.

(3 February 2010 12:18 PM, PST )

I am replacing Mark Hoppus in Fall Out Boy. RT @markhoppus For the record: as of right now, I am also quitting Fall Out Boy.

(3 February 2010 12:16 PM, PST )


(3 February 2010 8:37 AM, PST )

@OsoFabolous23 Um… psssst… that’s the best tweet I’ve ever read.

(2 February 2010 3:32 PM, PST )

*USC = University of South Carolina.

(2 February 2010 2:49 PM, PST )

USC students: come watch us run the show tonight. Free.Tickets are at Russel House info desk. Show ID, get a tic. Tix 6pm, Doors 7.

(2 February 2010 2:45 PM, PST )

@Kath203 I usually put a tilde on the « n ».

(2 February 2010 2:29 PM, PST )

You haven’t lived until you’ve been shot out of your mother’s vagina.

(2 February 2010 2:20 PM, PST )

We’re close to learning how use the groundhogs’ weapons, and when we do we will destroy them, bringing winter to a quick end.

(2 February 2010 8:24 AM, PST )

Thanks! I’m off to watch some curtsey porn. RT @huboboo strangest tweet ever. Hats off to you sir. Well played. Well played.

(2 February 2010 8:21 AM, PST )

Great story in today’s Wall Street Dream Journal about Ben Bernanke’s reoccurring « Asian Phil Collins/Bernanke’s dad » switcheroo.

(2 February 2010 8:12 AM, PST )

I just ate two giant pieces of cake. Hey, it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.

(1 February 2010 3:49 PM, PST )

My mouth is so cut up by Cap’n Crunch that the only way I can get a fix is to chew it straight into my eyes.

(1 February 2010 10:54 AM, PST )

Back in the office. Wheeling [plugging in, starting up] and dealing!

(1 February 2010 10:41 AM, PST )

Huffington Post: America’s trusted source for political news and side boob. The Costco of editorial tone.

(1 February 2010 8:30 AM, PST )

« Do you want Firefox to remember this password? » No. In fact, I don’t want it remembering anything I make it do.

(31 January 2010 11:23 PM, PST )

No. Battle Studies tour made possible by viewers like you. RT @Samtliu Is GE sponsoring your tour?

(31 January 2010 11:20 PM, PST )

I know it sounds pluggy, but this tour is going to be insane. Also, GE. Ideas for life.

(31 January 2010 11:06 PM, PST )

Hey, does anybody know why Toyotathon is cancelled this year? WTF? 😦

(30 January 2010 8:53 PM, PST )

Any idea universally agreed upon is not a good idea.

(30 January 2010 8:19 PM, PST )

Always nice when the toddlers are fans.RT @sarahmewer Yay! My mommy and I are going to see [JM] in Jax in ONE week. LOVE my Mommy!

(30 January 2010 7:31 PM, PST )

Just saw an expose’ on the shady doings of dairy companies. Seems most half-n-half is actually over 70% half. Shameful.

(30 January 2010 7:22 PM, PST )

And YES. All the Battle Studies songs coming out to play.

(29 January 2010 3:04 PM, PST )

Last Friday night of my own before becoming the Friday nights for everyone coming to the shows. Can’t wait.

(29 January 2010 3:01 PM, PST )

RT @azizansari: Video: What Paul said. Amen. paulscheer:

(29 January 2010 10:59 AM, PST )

Benicio Del Toro is the Wolfman. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t he already play this role in Big Top Pee-Wee?

(29 January 2010 12:30 AM, PST )


(28 January 2010 3:02 PM, PST )

Every band with a single this year has a mission: beat « Break Even » by The Script. Oh, yah… good luck.

(28 January 2010 1:13 AM, PST )

More people would watch the State of the Union Address if President Obama introduced a new gadget at the end. Just saying.

(27 January 2010 6:34 PM, PST )

Watching the State of the Union Address. Wishing so very badly that Biden had a ponytail.

(27 January 2010 6:23 PM, PST )

I’m so hot for an iPad that I’m pretending I already have one by holding my iPhone really close to my face.

(27 January 2010 12:00 PM, PST )

Another fit of graditude for my life as a musician, thanks to my fans and an incredible night with @keithurban. THAT guy

(27 January 2010 12:02 AM, PST )

@CaitlinSmith19 it’s a gift.

(26 January 2010 11:19 PM, PST )

« It Might Get Lewd » #possibleautobiographytitles

(25 January 2010 9:56 PM, PST )

Amazing rehearsal. That guy is top notch!! RT @jennjjones Hoping to hear reports from [JM] re: Crossroads w @KeithUrban !

(25 January 2010 9:44 PM, PST )

Proud to live in a country where even in one of the worst economic times, we pool together millions of dollars to help others.

(24 January 2010 4:34 PM, PST )

Coming to after a 16 hour sleep… Looking back on the EU shows, need to say THANK YOU UK/NL for an amazing run! See you soon.

(24 January 2010 1:47 PM, PST )

Youtube: « This video is no longer available due to your high level of personal interest in wanting to see it. »

(24 January 2010 10:54 AM, PST )

@diablocody The most esoteric, region-specific observation ever made on Twitter. And true.

(24 January 2010 10:24 AM, PST )

@MaggieUh9N0y6 I think that’s a fantastic idea.

(23 January 2010 2:54 PM, PST )

@WoodyJo precisely.

(22 January 2010 11:01 PM, PST )

Don’t judge the artists who played tonight with your American Idol brain. They all gave their talent and time.

(22 January 2010 7:08 PM, PST )

Of course. Donations in any way…RT @chemekimmi or text 50555. I did!

(22 January 2010 6:42 PM, PST )

#idonated to @johncmayer. I’ll DM you in the next 30 minutes if you win!! Keep donating!

(22 January 2010 6:38 PM, PST )

Giving away 6 pairs of tickets to shows on the upcoming tour RIGHT NOW. Donate at or call 877-99-HAITI and then tweet

(22 January 2010 6:37 PM, PST )

Justin Timberlake. Renewing his vows with superstardom. donate at or call 877-99-HAITI

(22 January 2010 6:33 PM, PST )

@ldnbornnylover And the smokin’ Mark Whitfield, aka Quick Pick

(22 January 2010 6:04 PM, PST )

Holy MARY J. BLIGE! You are through to Hollywood. And Mars. And Venus. And Pluto. Which you have now made a planet again. 1-877-99-HAITI

(22 January 2010 5:40 PM, PST )

Sometimes you have to throw in the towel and call that « re-occurring flaw » a character trait. Someone will love it.

(22 January 2010 3:19 PM, PST )

@cwm76 yes. Hey, What do you think it would take to get all print media to refer to computers as « ‘pooters? »

(22 January 2010 2:48 AM, PST )

Planning so many cool things for this upcoming tour. A production a year in the making. Getting exciting… JM v4.0.1

(21 January 2010 9:03 PM, PST )

Super talented 13th Witness on tour!!! RT @13thwitness John Mayer 2010. Stay Tuned Folks!! —>

(21 January 2010 5:54 PM, PST )

If I were on 24, I’d make sure to be in the bathroom during the last 5 minutes of every hour. Good things do NOT happen then.

(21 January 2010 4:57 PM, PST )

Turn up the TV and sit on it. RT stephjwebb only 2 batteries left and both my vibrator and my tv’s remote r dead. what would [JM] do?

(20 January 2010 8:11 PM, PST )

I’m a douchebag, if you could empty one and fill it with Jack Daniels, Smarties and daydreams.

(20 January 2010 8:01 PM, PST )

@ashtormie more a blood pack, Gene Simmons style. A squib has an explosive charge that simulates gunfire, not self-mutilation.

(20 January 2010 8:00 PM, PST )

You are all Harry Potter nerds. SQUIBS are blood packs that fire off under someone’s clothes. RIP that joke, gone AND forgotten.

(20 January 2010 7:54 PM, PST )

I can safely say the US run of the Battle Studies tour is going to be INSANE. Why? One word. Squibs.

(20 January 2010 7:51 PM, PST )

@samantharonson there you go. Road compassion!!! Try it. Of course throw in an underhanded dig.

(20 January 2010 6:28 PM, PST )

@samantharonson an extra 5 inches is everything to a man like that.

(20 January 2010 4:57 PM, PST )

The following tweet takes place between 6:58 AM and 6:58 AM.

(19 January 2010 10:59 PM, PST )

@genenewschick We’re disappointed to see you leave! Would you please be so kind as to fill out a 23 page exit survey?

(19 January 2010 7:01 PM, PST )

After 30 minutes of twirling my hair into a knot, I say « fuck it. » You can’t go wrong if you tell the truth.

(19 January 2010 6:48 PM, PST )

Just read my Rolling Stone cover article. I’m still not sure if I would want to hang out with me.

(19 January 2010 6:31 PM, PST )

Thank you UK for a magnificent run of shows. See you again soon… Love, this tired little monkey.

(19 January 2010 2:56 PM, PST )

I’m not saying I don’t like watching Idol auditions, I just have to watch 30 minutes of Marvin Gaye live videos directly after.

(18 January 2010 11:52 AM, PST )

Just recorded my song for CNN’s « Haiti: How You Can Help » special, tonight at 8pm EST. Made with lots of love and hope.

(18 January 2010 7:17 AM, PST )

Falling asleep with everything I could possibly need laying next to me. I love you iPhone, laptop, hard drive, water, meal bar. XO

(17 January 2010 5:09 PM, PST )

@CHRIS_Daughtry Sweet, sweet London. Home away from home away from home.

(17 January 2010 5:07 PM, PST )

Tune in to CNN tomorrow at 8pm EST for Larry King Live: Haiti: How You Can Help. I’ll be contributing a tune from London.

(17 January 2010 4:47 PM, PST )

RT @carolinegladden@johncmayer My avatar would probably drum on every available surface.

(16 January 2010 10:13 PM, PST )

My Avatar would answer the phone « yello? » That is the only difference. 55 billion dollar project. Yah, heh. I know. I, uh, I know.

(16 January 2010 9:54 PM, PST )

RT @anniewonderful@johncmayer my avatar would probably cough a lot during movies.

(16 January 2010 9:48 PM, PST )

My Avatar would do nothing productive. It would just roam around kicking an empty can and bugging people at outdoor cafés.

(16 January 2010 8:39 PM, PST )

This bunk is so shallow I wonder if when I sleep there’s a 4 foot tall Avatar of me running around.

(16 January 2010 8:37 PM, PST )

Sleepless. In a bunk. On a bus. In the Middle of Nowhereshire, UK. Everyone has parts of the job they don’t love. This is one.

(16 January 2010 8:32 PM, PST )

@aliciakeys Alicia Keys wa totemo kawai desu ne!!!! Genki desu!!!

(15 January 2010 3:57 PM, PST )

@jordanrubin « you see this car battery? It’s capable of sending 120,000 volts through my nuts. Bad news. Now. What is Treadstone? »

(15 January 2010 3:44 PM, PST )

@jordanrubin « Listen up, because I’m only going to ask myself this once. Who sent me? »

(15 January 2010 12:45 PM, PST )

@jordanrubin I don’t know why Jason Bourne never thought to torture himself into telling himself everything.

(15 January 2010 12:39 PM, PST )

Excited to go to Scotland tonight. Usually I travel there via my 750ml glass rocket ship. This time, a bus.

(15 January 2010 12:30 PM, PST )

I like this description. RT @Mitchell_Mike Battle Studies is so up and down. Feels like drowning and being saved over and over again.

(15 January 2010 12:09 PM, PST )

It seems that I have a massive following in Manchester UK of middle aged burly men who carry stacks of my photos with them. Luv u guyz! xo

(15 January 2010 12:00 PM, PST )

2 out of 3 ain’t bad, Debbie Downer. RT@rachryann milk is full of blood/poop and hormones.

(15 January 2010 7:23 AM, PST )

Ever since watching « Inglourious Basterds » I have a renewed passion for drinking milk.

(15 January 2010 7:19 AM, PST )

Lady Hurt Locker

(14 January 2010 2:39 PM, PST )

@cwm76 yes please. Coca Cola from Degobah is better than on Kashyyyk. They use real cane sugar instead of high fructose syrup.

(14 January 2010 10:11 AM, PST )

Downtown Hoth has really changed since they filmed « Star Wars » here. Totally commercialized now. Did they really need a Forever 21?

(14 January 2010 10:05 AM, PST )

Not in case you haven’t seen it but in case you haven’t done it: text « HAITI » to 90999 to donate $10 to @RedCross relief efforts in Haiti.

(14 January 2010 10:03 AM, PST )

The cleanse was amazing. I’m back but I want to keep some of what I’ve gained. Fewer tweets, more links… longer phrases.

(12 January 2010 3:24 AM, PST )

You really get to know your pants when you travel.

(12 January 2010 2:21 AM, PST ) we have a winner(s)

(12 January 2010 1:54 AM, PST )

My last tweet before the cleanse. Happy New Year. May 2010 bring you all your heart desires. Let’s be better together. XO J

(1 January 2010 4:05 AM, PST )

By not micro-trading in my emotional stock value every second of the day, I may just end up seeing the bigger, beautiful picture.

(31 December 2009 4:05 PM, PST )

I will not use texting as a form of reaching out for superficial attention/affection at all hours of the night.

(31 December 2009 4:01 PM, PST )

I will read books. I will listen to music. I will better track the words of others as they’re spoken to me.

(31 December 2009 4:00 PM, PST )

Begins upon wake up tomorrow. AND YES! RT @mariannexjonas #digitalcleanse in 5 hours! you ready??

(31 December 2009 3:52 PM, PST )

4pm in Vegas, Dec 31: a lot like the first bars of a Jay-Z track… « UH, UH-HUH-UH-HUH »… you know it’s about to go BIG

(31 December 2009 3:50 PM, PST )

Lots of languages spoken in ‘Inglourious Basterds’: « May I switch to French? » « Only if I may switch to Italian. » « Begin. »

(31 December 2009 7:20 AM, PST )

Inglourious Estefauns

(31 December 2009 7:15 AM, PST )

If you call a girl 62 times and she’s sleeping, does it read in the morning as one missed call or 62? Asking for a friend.

(31 December 2009 3:54 AM, PST )

Lost some money at the tables so I’m making up for it via new merch. Look for the « Blackjack Wizard » bomber jacket tonight, $800.

(31 December 2009 3:52 AM, PST )

Christmas on December 25 is merely a suggestion. It can come anytime between the 25 and 31. And it’s happening now.

(30 December 2009 10:09 PM, PST )

@RAWRimCAITLIN love it!!!

(30 December 2009 7:25 PM, PST )

@TeamKatz you can dooo eeeeet!!!

(30 December 2009 7:22 PM, PST )

@koreantomcruise true. XBOX live chats are still on.

(30 December 2009 7:21 PM, PST )

johncmayer Some points just make themselves. : ) RT @martyboyer what is it? I’m too lazy to click on it.

(30 December 2009 5:32 PM, PST ) Take the digital cleanse with me. #digitalcleanse

(30 December 2009 5:29 PM, PST )

Waitresses of Vegas, be advised: I have no wife, children or endorsements. In other words, I have nothing to offer you.

(30 December 2009 1:34 PM, PST )

Cake making people, ease up on the 9mb pictures! You needn’t shoot a gingerbread house in RAW.

(30 December 2009 1:20 PM, PST )

Point taken… and incinerated. 🙂 RT @nwijnberg if phish can put shows up an hour later on mp3 you should be able to also!

(30 December 2009 12:10 AM, PST )

Thanks to the OIF/OEF vets who came out to the show. It’s official: they love « Modern Warfare 2 » as well! Play on without guilt!!

(30 December 2009 12:09 AM, PST )

TY/S: thanks for the best show the Trio’s played. And sorry I can’t stay and sign… Travel constraints. You were unreal tonight!!!

(29 December 2009 10:33 PM, PST )

7 minutes to showtime. You take everything learned and convert it into something innate. The best part of the journey.

(29 December 2009 8:40 PM, PST )

Hello sir!! Get ready…RT @joe_fa_sho Standing in the lobby of copley symphony hall waiting on the doors to open for @johncmayer :)))

(29 December 2009 7:10 PM, PST )

Hopping on the tour bus to San Diego. It’s like a Greyhound except you’re not allowed to poop in your seat.

(29 December 2009 12:26 PM, PST )

Note to self: a VHS dub of the 1988 Playboy Playmate Video Calendar is not an actual working calendar. But April looks open.

(27 December 2009 11:33 PM, PST )

Sure, it’s called « My Entire Catalog. » RT @brokentoo Could you write a song about how much it hurts to live at times?

(27 December 2009 11:32 PM, PST )

I need to get back into the gym. I’m all for having boobs against my chest but not when they’re mine.

(27 December 2009 8:54 PM, PST )

Did you see Strabbock’s pass to Yerkin? No frigging way that cleared the alligator pit. #IWantToTweetAboutSportsToo

(27 December 2009 5:23 PM, PST )

No matter how many times I try to get it right, I still mess it up. It’s MICKEY Rooney that was in The Wrestler. Got it.

(27 December 2009 1:31 AM, PST )

I’m doing my best, asshole. RT @koreantomcruise Why does every irish pub have an acoustic guitar playing hack on saturday nights?

(26 December 2009 9:42 PM, PST )

These are people who were hanging out in AMSTERDAM and said « you know what? It’s time I get myself to DETROIT. »

(26 December 2009 6:26 PM, PST )

Why would you want to target a plane going from Amsterdam to Detroit? You know there’s cool-ass people on that plane.

(26 December 2009 6:25 PM, PST ) In defense of James Cameron.

(26 December 2009 4:40 PM, PST )

RT @cwm76 Hey, does a gallon jug of Wet Platinum that has less than three ounces left pass muster with the TSA for carry-on?

(26 December 2009 10:43 AM, PST )

RT @TeamKatz I’ve finally made peace with 2009. Let go of the distractions & given myself the gift of closure…bring it, 2010!

(26 December 2009 10:22 AM, PST )

Holiday typo: « give my beast to your lovely wife! »

(25 December 2009 4:55 PM, PST ) Cakes on Christmas.

(25 December 2009 3:17 PM, PST )

Today is the day that Peter Billingsley isn’t a super successful Hollywood producer, but Ralphie. I wonder how he feels about that.

(25 December 2009 2:11 PM, PST )

I love mass texts: Dear person of unspecified meaning, Merry Christmas! Looking forward to seeing you at a later date!

(25 December 2009 2:02 PM, PST )

Cousin Eddie Griswold!! RT @cnnbrk Passenger sets off firecrackers on a Northwest flight as it lands in Detroit.

(25 December 2009 1:58 PM, PST )

Look, when I’m playing charades and the hint is ‘movie,’ ‘4 words,’ I know it’s going to Glen Gary Glen Ross. Don’t act surprised.

(25 December 2009 5:22 AM, PST )

I wish I could take all you lonely hearts to a movie tonight. Maybe some Chinese food. Nothing crazy.

(24 December 2009 6:50 PM, PST )

Sending a heartfelt Merry Christmas to those who feel loneliness this time of year. You’re not alone. Hang in there.

(24 December 2009 6:31 PM, PST ) – Well, this is RANDOM

(24 December 2009 4:54 PM, PST )

Doing some last minute Christmas shoplifting.

(24 December 2009 3:10 PM, PST )

@samantharonson oh, you did. And it was glorious.

(24 December 2009 2:57 PM, PST )

Ouch. Hahahah. Ooh, hurts to laugh, hurts to laugh. Ouch.

(24 December 2009 2:48 PM, PST )

Guys, if you’re gonna drink tonight, get a driver. It’s really fun to swing around over your head when trying to make a point.

(23 December 2009 6:58 PM, PST )

@samantharonson Still working on it

(23 December 2009 5:27 PM, PST )

Consider trying it with me. January 1-8. Let’s get our minds out of the Matrix and see what it’s like. Stay tuned

(23 December 2009 4:15 PM, PST )

For one week, no texting, no Twitter, email only from computer and cell phone for calls ONLY. Could you do it?

(23 December 2009 4:09 PM, PST ) Sweater cakes.

(23 December 2009 3:32 PM, PST )

@joannabhappy my autobiography.

(23 December 2009 3:29 PM, PST )

@lindsaymeganm a day-maker! Thank you.

(23 December 2009 2:33 PM, PST )

Life ain’t a fairy tale, it’s a documentary.

(23 December 2009 4:04 AM, PST )

This isn’t a gas tank for a sex machine, it’s a beer gut.

(22 December 2009 4:07 PM, PST )

The iGeneration. That’s what they’ll call us.

(22 December 2009 2:56 PM, PST ) Hey, New Year’s Eve Trio show goers… Spread the word.

(22 December 2009 12:44 PM, PST )

My mouth is the Don King of my penis.

(22 December 2009 5:27 AM, PST )

Why should I be excited about falling asleep when I know it’s just 7 more hours of unpredictable bullshit? I might as well stay up.

(22 December 2009 5:24 AM, PST )

It’s never the part of the karaoke where you’re singing. It’s the long instrumentals/solos that make you feel like a jack’s ass.

(22 December 2009 2:52 AM, PST )

@justinsiegel do one in mono! My next record comes in both versions.

(21 December 2009 10:45 PM, PST )

Breaking: staff worker at Hollywood Records fired for misplacing « the stiletto memo » meant for Miley Cyrus.

(21 December 2009 10:33 PM, PST )

@justinsiegel stack em and pan em. Pan em hard.

(21 December 2009 10:29 PM, PST )

Practicing for Trio shows. It’s like training for a prize fight. Left forearm shuts down mid-tune if I don’t keep conditioned.


(21 December 2009 2:51 PM, PST )

Wow…RT @thecomicscomic Watch and listen: Tim Minchin’s new Christmas song, « White Wine in the Sun »

(21 December 2009 9:26 AM, PST )

@samantharonson don’t I know it!!

(21 December 2009 3:00 AM, PST )

I don’t care what anyone says, holiday music was made to be played on the saxophone and that’s that!!!

(21 December 2009 2:58 AM, PST )

@samantharonson don’t give in! If it’s what you meant to say, stand your ground. Go down with the ship!

(21 December 2009 1:03 AM, PST )

2010s: being safe and happy, learning, showing grace to others while tending to our own betterment, and enjoying life. FIN. XO.

(20 December 2009 3:54 PM, PST )

RT @jpaddison another: « Don’t judge, » used to detach oneself from an embarrassing action by accusing others of judgmental behavior.

(20 December 2009 3:43 PM, PST )

Dumb: « I’ll give you that, » used to reluctantly agree with someone by making it sound as if it’s at the user’s great expense.

(20 December 2009 3:40 PM, PST )

« Hot mess, » « train wreck, » cutesy combined celebrity couple names, « TMI, » Feigned shock, Sentences that begin with « bitch. »

(20 December 2009 3:35 PM, PST )

Dumb: « Just Saying. » A phrase meant to divorce one’s self from responsibility for having a cheap laugh at someone’s expense.

(20 December 2009 3:30 PM, PST )

I’ll buy that for a dollar! RT @shyunatown agrrreed ; 2000’s was an era where people didn’t know what do with themselves

(20 December 2009 3:26 PM, PST )

Dumb: « Epic fail, » a phrase used to make fun of someone’s failed attempts, written by people living in their parents’ basements.

(20 December 2009 3:22 PM, PST )

Dumb: « It’s like a car crash, you can’t look away, » a crude attempt at justifying having terrible tastes in entertainment.

(20 December 2009 3:20 PM, PST )

You may not appreciate it now, but in the next 2-4 years the true dumbness of the decade will age like a fine, insipid wine.

(20 December 2009 3:15 PM, PST )

Let me be the first to say it: the 2000s was the dumbest decade in recorded history.

(20 December 2009 3:14 PM, PST )

What 1 area of your body gets touched the least? I’m going to guess sub-scrotal flange, but it could also be knee cleavage.

(19 December 2009 11:18 PM, PST )

Breaking a dog’s neck in Modern Warfare is never not creepy. Can’t I throw him a Greenie or something?

(19 December 2009 10:35 PM, PST )

And to my NE snowpeople, enjoy God’s way of making your silly ass stay in for once on a Saturday night.

(19 December 2009 9:43 PM, PST )

Be safe tonight! This is a batty night for drunk drivers. Sleep over where you’re at or be very careful on the way home.

(19 December 2009 9:42 PM, PST ) – Kimbo Slice. #tinypicturesofbigthings

(19 December 2009 5:44 PM, PST ) – Notre Dame Stadium. #tinypicturesofbigthings

(19 December 2009 5:42 PM, PST ) – Mt. Everest. #tinypicturesofbigthings

(19 December 2009 5:40 PM, PST )

Guitar Geeks: The Way Huge Aqua-Puss pedal is back! One of my tone secrets.

(19 December 2009 5:09 PM, PST )

I will take a crack at Avatar again, this time with good old fashioned peyote.

(19 December 2009 4:40 PM, PST )

What I meant to say about Avatar is don’t go see it if you’re buzzed on margaritas the size of a goldfish bowl.

(19 December 2009 4:40 PM, PST )

You heard it here, folks: it’s possible to be both an intelligent, culturally literate member of society AND walk out on Avatar.

(19 December 2009 2:47 AM, PST )

Most compelling part of Avatar? The man next to me at the urinal who pulled his pants and boxers down to his knees. Alien indeed.

(19 December 2009 2:45 AM, PST )

My friend just insisted I listen to « 83 » from Room For Squares. Kind of breaks my heart. I remember that dude.

(18 December 2009 9:47 PM, PST )

I see a few girls tonight who could use a little son. #ItsFunnierNow

(18 December 2009 9:21 PM, PST )

Obviouso, upon his deathbed, wrote a message to his loyal: « When I die I will no longer be alive, and that kills me. »

(18 December 2009 4:45 PM, PST )

Ricardo Obviouso, captain of a batallion fighting in the Thirty Years’ War would go on to become known as « Captain Obvious. »

(18 December 2009 4:43 PM, PST )

I would rather receive the pleasure of a bountiful meal than a hammer to the face. – Ricardo Obviouso, 1688

(18 December 2009 4:36 PM, PST )

love is better than hate. – Ricardo Obviouso, 1682

(18 December 2009 4:35 PM, PST )

I want to be the name on a reality show love competition just so I can say « I feel like I’m getting to know the real Syphillis. »

(18 December 2009 3:58 PM, PST )

Can’t wait to see Kirk Cameron’s Avatar tonight.

(18 December 2009 1:11 PM, PST ) win the Christmas sweater I wore on @theellenshow!

(18 December 2009 12:17 PM, PST ) new cakes posted. Holiday cheer levels surge.

(18 December 2009 12:15 PM, PST )

RT @mickmgmt Get ‘Battle Studies’ for $3.99 today at Amazon!

(18 December 2009 11:04 AM, PST )

@k9leavings Pumpernickleback #celebreadties

(17 December 2009 7:10 AM, PST )

I’d better go check on that noise I heard coming from inside my neighbor’s house.

(17 December 2009 4:56 AM, PST )

Where’s that holiday commercial where the guy breaks into a house and burns it down while sipping Folgers?I miss that one.

(17 December 2009 2:20 AM, PST )

@13thwitness ‘making tinkles and pellets’ makes me laugh. I will share this with my children. ‘Ricky, do you need to make pellets?’

(17 December 2009 2:03 AM, PST )

@puttingoffstars thanks for one of the best replies I’ve ever read!

(17 December 2009 1:58 AM, PST )

Should I spend my week off in an exotic locale or playing XBOX 360 on my couch, only getting up to tinkle and make pellets?

(17 December 2009 1:55 AM, PST )

Babies plural? You mean twins, or can you really rack the chamber that fast? RT @kiyannashanay can I have your babies in 2010?

(16 December 2009 7:13 PM, PST )

Mood change! Alicia Keys x Steven Colbert… Great sports on both their parts

(16 December 2009 7:08 PM, PST )

too many replies from peeps thinking I’m talking about Kim… I’m actually talking about the Sirius/XM publicist. Yah. I know.

(16 December 2009 7:05 PM, PST )

@cookskorner LOL. Yup. Get it out of your system, I say. I need to relax with some Russian whores. BRB. 2.75 minutes.

(16 December 2009 6:27 PM, PST )

Sorry everyone. I’m just getting ready for 2010 when I stop letting these human barnacles take advantage of me.

(16 December 2009 6:16 PM, PST )

I see @kimkardashian at Sirius/XM and say hello like a gentleman and you want to spin a gossip story at my expense? Fuck you.

(16 December 2009 6:14 PM, PST )

Attention performers who are a guest in the Sirius/XM building: their publicist will sell out your every move to the NY Post. Thanks!

(16 December 2009 5:48 PM, PST )

Permission to eat muffins and danishes: self-granted.

(16 December 2009 3:28 PM, PST )

It appears the review for Avatar has already leaked online. Though I have a link I will NOT be posting it.

(16 December 2009 2:12 PM, PST )

Fans are already lining up to read the review some are calling « stunning, » « groundbreaking. »

(16 December 2009 2:10 PM, PST )

After 10 years of waiting, Roger Ebert’s Avatar review is finally released – and if early reports are true, it’s unbelievable.

(16 December 2009 2:04 PM, PST )

First post of baking submissions… Amazing!

(16 December 2009 1:56 AM, PST )

@joshgroban no joke, I JUST finished the game and went into Special Ops… DM me your gamer tag.

(15 December 2009 11:58 PM, PST )

@SmeltzieLA because your body likes to violently reject and evacuate foods it’s most familiar with.

(15 December 2009 10:02 PM, PST )

Ken aka @kenthebutler on the new Lil’ Wayne/Eminem track: « Well it wasn’t recorded when the sun was out! »

(15 December 2009 7:53 PM, PST )

@markhoppus that is one smart re-design!!! Kudos.

(15 December 2009 5:35 PM, PST )

Great job!!!

(15 December 2009 3:58 PM, PST )

This made me laugh. Blocked!! RT @tanyaaustralis2 JOHN MAYER BLOCK ME!!!!

(15 December 2009 3:48 PM, PST )

@butrfly1023 thank you! Can’t take it ALL too seriously

(15 December 2009 12:33 PM, PST )

JCMbrk: First round of Interfaith Holiday Baking Competition submissions to be featured on blog tonight, sources inside me say.

(15 December 2009 12:23 PM, PST )

I thought I had to fart but it turned out it was just a poop. False alarm. #IWarnedYouEllen

(15 December 2009 11:03 AM, PST )

I’ve met a lot of celebrities in my day, but when I ran into @azizansari tonight I turned into a giant turd. One of my favorite comics.

(15 December 2009 12:49 AM, PST )

@mindykaling it’s not a sell out if the temp commercial they email you makes you cry.

(14 December 2009 9:53 PM, PST )

Fact: if the Peanuts were actual people they’d probably all be dead by now. Seasons Greetings!!!!

(14 December 2009 9:52 PM, PST )

From my Zagat rating: friends say this « creative » and « engaging » man is « good to his friends » if not « slightly self-centered. »

(14 December 2009 7:36 PM, PST )

Sade to release new album in 2010, sending shares of KY warming lube skyrocketing.

(14 December 2009 7:20 PM, PST )

Thanks @TheEllenShow. I just saw this seeing as I now follow you. Tune in, America, and see how I dress myself for the holidays!

(14 December 2009 5:01 PM, PST )

Those needs never surface until they explode in a seemingly out of nowhere outburst of selfishness.

(14 December 2009 11:12 AM, PST )

Mean-well men are in the business of making others happy before their own needs.

(14 December 2009 11:11 AM, PST )

Now, men who mean well are the most infuriating. Assholes are easy. Mean-well-men are the most destructive types.

(14 December 2009 11:08 AM, PST )

Why men are confusing: first order of business, separate the men who mean well from men who don’t think about meaning well.

(14 December 2009 11:06 AM, PST )

Taping @theellenshow today. I don’t think there’s a show I look more forward to being on. She’s got the best vibe going.

(14 December 2009 11:02 AM, PST )

Because we want what you’re not to be more like you want us to try to not not be. RT @triciaUD09 why are guys so damn confusing??

(14 December 2009 10:53 AM, PST )

You really have to give Carrot Top props for his comedy.

(14 December 2009 8:49 AM, PST )

I lost me to math.

(13 December 2009 4:41 PM, PST )

A gun that shoots whips? Panther saddles?

(13 December 2009 4:00 PM, PST )

Do they make assgaskets? Motorized fake beard racks? Big pants for little people? Do they make dollhouse panic rooms?

(13 December 2009 3:57 PM, PST )

Dear Accenture, I would love to endorse your space shuttle parts. Or is it your sentient war machines? Tic Tac Toe scoreboards?

(13 December 2009 3:32 PM, PST )

Accenture just dropped Tiger. Apparently he was no longer a good fit with that company that nobody knows what the hell they do.

(13 December 2009 3:28 PM, PST )


(13 December 2009 7:32 AM, PST )

Waking up with « Empire State Of Mind » in your head means a good time was had by at least one last night.

(13 December 2009 7:30 AM, PST )

Yes, I will play « Edge of desire » and « Assassin » on tour. Get ready… (the next album is closer than you think…)

(13 December 2009 12:47 AM, PST )

Hey, sorry I didn’t put any gratuitous guitar soloing on Battle Studies. I’ll get you next time, I promise. All part of my plan.

(13 December 2009 12:23 AM, PST )

@heysammiii on a carousel accessible only by token.

(12 December 2009 7:56 PM, PST )

I don’t want to be an attention hog, but please bear with me and Tiger during this very difficult time.

(12 December 2009 7:51 PM, PST )

When someone tells me a story about their past, I like to imagine them reenacting it with a bad wig and period correct clothes.

(12 December 2009 6:16 PM, PST )

There’s nothing like that depressing feeling of having to turn the lights on after only 3 hours of being awake.

(12 December 2009 1:57 PM, PST )

I think I could use a good self-hazing. RT @tashsparkles Who are ya gonna haze now?

(12 December 2009 1:36 PM, PST )

and as much fun as I have with @justinbieber, the hazing is over. That’s a talented dude right there.

(12 December 2009 1:31 PM, PST )

Still can’t stop thinking about how great Jingle Ball was. The community of artists right now is really great. Everyone’s kind.

(12 December 2009 1:29 PM, PST )

The excitement is so thick here at Jingle Ball, you could cut it with @justinbieber‘s buoy knife.

(11 December 2009 6:14 PM, PST )

Due to a double booking of both Jingle Ball and the UFC, get ready for a special performance by Boys Like Girls feat. Kimbo Slice.

(11 December 2009 8:03 AM, PST )

If I have one gripe with the running order for tonight’s Jingle Ball it’s that there’s not nearly enough Al B. Sure.

(11 December 2009 7:56 AM, PST )

You have spoken out in great numbers and the dinosaur you most want to eat is Brontosaurus ribs. Thanks for playing.

(10 December 2009 4:49 PM, PST )

@wenyeelo pterodactyl seems like there wouldn’t be much meat but what you got would be delicious and expensive.

(10 December 2009 1:12 PM, PST )

@Hazelbird nicely done!!

(10 December 2009 11:22 AM, PST )

@JimiJames4321 F# minor, D9.

(10 December 2009 11:19 AM, PST )

What do you think the sweetest dinosaur meat would have been if you could have grilled it? I say pterodactyl, medium rare.

(10 December 2009 11:17 AM, PST )

That kid is a bad influence on me.

(10 December 2009 10:02 AM, PST )

Last night @justinbieber and I stole an Acura Integra in the Bronx and bailed out of it in Flushing, Queens. Good times!!

(10 December 2009 10:02 AM, PST )

Bedtime for Johnzo. Old reference. Nevermind.

(10 December 2009 1:22 AM, PST )

« what does it feel like to have the same overall proportions and features of a man who has had such a meteoric rise to success? »

(10 December 2009 1:16 AM, PST )

I would love to watch her interview Robert Pattinson’s stand-in.

(10 December 2009 1:15 AM, PST )

I wish Barbara Walters would do a « 10 Least Intruiguing People » special.

(10 December 2009 1:14 AM, PST )

Im stressing over Storytellers tomorrow. RT @Dev09 while I’m stressing over’re up at 3 a.m playing Modern Warfare 2

(10 December 2009 12:43 AM, PST )

I die so much in Modern Warfare 2 you’d think I was doing a stand-up set.

(10 December 2009 12:15 AM, PST )

Did I need the period calendar? No. No I did not.

(9 December 2009 7:17 PM, PST )

I need a pressure sensitive toilet seat that shuts off my wi-fi so I stop buying so many apps on the can. This is getting pricey.

(9 December 2009 7:16 PM, PST )

Pulling out the oldies for tomorrow’s Storytellers performance. I have to learn my own songs!

(9 December 2009 4:55 PM, PST )

@dnize007 and hyperbole comes with dignified elegance and the eschewing of emotional histrionics

(9 December 2009 4:47 PM, PST )

You know what, that joke didn’t really work. I’m going to just stick to eating at Honkey Cracker Barrel.

(9 December 2009 2:31 PM, PST )

Thank you!! RT @BrownSugaBee I luv lmao at « Reparation Hardware »…the world needs 2 lighten up sometimes!

(9 December 2009 1:53 PM, PST )

Taking a black friend to do some shopping at Reparation Hardware.

(9 December 2009 1:22 PM, PST )

I don’t know who he had to talk to in advance, but @justinbieber walked the entire party with a baby white tiger.

(9 December 2009 11:36 AM, PST )

Great meeting @justinbieber last night. That kid is an animal! He slapped 50 Cent in the face with his glove for interrupting him.

(9 December 2009 11:36 AM, PST )

VEVO is coming.

(8 December 2009 12:34 AM, PST )

@CHRIS_Daughtry thanks man! The older I get, the more I need the love!!

(7 December 2009 2:49 PM, PST )

until the moment your girlfriend walks in with your phone and asks who Low Battery is and why they want you inside them again.

(6 December 2009 11:34 PM, PST )

If a man really wanted to get away with cheating on his woman, he’d store his other girls’ name in his phone as « low battery. »

(6 December 2009 11:27 PM, PST )

I think the coolest thing about Optimus Prime was that he always walked around with a semi. #80sKidsWillGetIt

(6 December 2009 8:25 PM, PST )

The brilliant @cwm76 aka « Ace of Cakes » makes a snowman: white cake/buttercream frosting.

(6 December 2009 3:59 PM, PST )

« Cry For Help, » John Mayer, 2009. Medium: sugar cookie, upside down snowman mold.

(6 December 2009 3:46 PM, PST )

This cake is gonna get baked right in the face.

(6 December 2009 11:23 AM, PST )

We live in a culture that prohibits individuality, and for that we have become not our parents, but our parents’ parents.

(6 December 2009 2:28 AM, PST )

After watching his videos and interviews on YouTube with friends, I just have to say: God bless you, George Harrison.

(6 December 2009 2:26 AM, PST )

looking at some early cake submissions… you have raised the bar from last year!!

(5 December 2009 9:10 PM, PST )

The mark of the bear!!!

(5 December 2009 8:52 PM, PST )

Wow. I’m huge in Amsterdam, which is weird, because usually when I’m there I feel exxxxtrrrrreeeemelllly tiny.

(5 December 2009 2:08 AM, PST )

Holy shit! Yes! Put down the fridge, Canseco. Well, half Jewish. I keep the pool at 90. RT @andywarhola YOU’RE JEWISH???

(5 December 2009 2:06 AM, PST )

The Amsterdam show sold out in 5 minutes! The Jewish half of me says it must not be that big of a venue. (I can’t have anything nice.)

(5 December 2009 1:57 AM, PST )

It must be noted that @taylorswift13 is ineligible for winning this competition but is encouraged to submit a cake.

(4 December 2009 10:55 PM, PST ) The Interfaith Holiday Baking Competition is officially ON!!

(4 December 2009 10:54 PM, PST )

Go easy on you. When things go wrong, remind yourself it’s your first time through this life. Now go have a great weekend ya goof.

(4 December 2009 1:36 PM, PST )

« The (insert noun) of it all » #LeaveItInThe00s

(4 December 2009 10:44 AM, PST )

That’s right ladies and gents. I’m like Michael Jordan. I’m also like Einstein with a concussion.

(4 December 2009 9:40 AM, PST )

I feel lousy today but I’m acing these meetings. I’m like Jordan with the flu banging out 3 pointers.

(4 December 2009 9:38 AM, PST )

@petewentz I know. Like when I used to sleep under laundry baskets.

(4 December 2009 7:43 AM, PST )


(3 December 2009 9:48 PM, PST )

I like shirts with hoods on them because I like the option of looking like a jackass.

(3 December 2009 9:42 PM, PST )

And how is Zicam any different than snot again?

(3 December 2009 9:41 PM, PST )

I need to learn how to start saying no. Like when someone says « please stop choking me. »

(3 December 2009 5:05 PM, PST )

Zagat is like the L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon (28) (25) (26) ($127) of restaurant survey guides.

(3 December 2009 1:52 PM, PST )

The acronym for Seasonal Affective Disorder is « SAD. » It’s so cutesy it makes me want to punch out my LED light panels.

(3 December 2009 1:29 PM, PST )

To all you filmmakers who want to shoot a scene where someone gets murdered and dumped in a river, it’s the golden hour!

(3 December 2009 12:54 PM, PST )

3:53pm in New York City, and so begins the next 90 minutes of the most depressing lighting ever.

(3 December 2009 12:54 PM, PST ) home recording of « Edge of Desire » as a way to say thank you to everyone for making Battle Studies a success.

(3 December 2009 1:19 AM, PST ) Orianthi – According To You. This is how you write a song that connects with people and makes them RELATE.

(2 December 2009 10:51 PM, PST )

@meeshell78 let me think about it.

(2 December 2009 10:38 PM, PST )

@emilyryanmusic thank you!! It’s a chart-topper/future sleeper.

(2 December 2009 10:38 PM, PST )

@mynameisjune all we ever do is sa-ay goodbyyyyyye

(2 December 2009 10:36 PM, PST )

RT @petewentz I can deal with one trick ponies if its a damn good trick.

(2 December 2009 10:11 PM, PST )

@Shelly_Chandler ooh, Crawfish!!!!

(2 December 2009 3:43 PM, PST )

I don’t like this savory smell of cooking wafting from the apartment next door. It’s cocky. « Look at me, I buy groceries and have a family. »

(2 December 2009 3:38 PM, PST )

@Kelsie_love best tweet ever.

(2 December 2009 3:34 PM, PST )

@wenyeelo and what’s more, for a limited time only you get a self-warming gift satchel, free with purchase.

(2 December 2009 3:32 PM, PST )

Getting my telekinesis back up to snuff. I swear, you stop for 900 years and it’s like you were never a Pagan warlord.

(2 December 2009 3:18 PM, PST )

@TeamKatz because your body instinctively wants to keep fat for the cold months.

(2 December 2009 1:27 PM, PST )

I just farted, sources close to me can confirm.

(2 December 2009 1:09 PM, PST )

I’ve got to finish boning my mistress early so that I can go home and explain to my kid that he’s lost a role model. What a shame.

(2 December 2009 12:02 PM, PST )

Just once, I’d like to eat the right amount of tuna fish.

(2 December 2009 11:43 AM, PST )

For all the times we punish ourselves, very few times have we actually done something wrong.

(2 December 2009 11:42 AM, PST )

RT @ben_mayer Face moisturizer can prove to be quite beneficial when actually applied to the face.

(2 December 2009 11:29 AM, PST )

RT @13thwitness To a certain extent, we all have access to the same tools. But it’s what you do with them that seperates you from the rest.

(2 December 2009 9:37 AM, PST )

I may not win that « Didn’t Give A Fuck » award, but dagnabbit, I’m going to win that « Acted Like He Didn’t Give A Fuck » award.

(1 December 2009 11:53 PM, PST )

I’ve got two women texting me they want to come over. What’s that, Modern Warfare 2? You understand me? Done. Night, ladies!!!

(1 December 2009 11:44 PM, PST )

I just found some unseen footage of Marilyn Monroe. Handed it over to CNN. They’ll take it from here.

(1 December 2009 6:49 PM, PST )

Fact: 88 percent of all fake blood contains traces of real urine.

(1 December 2009 2:08 PM, PST )

Fact: 54 percent of all requests for Diet Cokes at restaurants go unheeded.

(1 December 2009 1:53 PM, PST )

Bill spent the brunt of his life ridiculed by his older brother for what was called « single frame p***y s**t with virtually no bats. »

(1 December 2009 1:46 PM, PST )

Fact: Bob Keane created Batman. Bill Keane, his younger brother, created Family Circus.

(1 December 2009 1:44 PM, PST )

Life is about making running changes. You can’t stop to fix things. You have to mend the sail while you’re still at sea.

(1 December 2009 12:28 PM, PST )

For a hearty laugh, google the words « why won’t » and see what the top results are.

(1 December 2009 10:41 AM, PST )

Hello, HEAVEN.

(1 December 2009 2:00 AM, PST )

@ThisIsRobThomas don’t puss out! You’re a rock star. Be one! Tell the truth. 🙂

(30 November 2009 7:13 PM, PST )

Power to the Poople!! RT @cwm76 Some say a poop’s life begins at eating. Others contend it’s not a poop until it breaches the anus.

(30 November 2009 6:28 PM, PST )

Can you get a sonogram for an unborn poop?

(30 November 2009 5:27 PM, PST )

@TeamKatz now you know how I feel. Just tweet a poop joke here and there, just to remind people who’s boss.

(30 November 2009 5:24 PM, PST )

@13thwitness « Felonious Monk. » I call the name first!

(30 November 2009 4:44 PM, PST )

@13thwitness my first reaction is « please believe it » but I haven’t seen the dude’s rap sheet. Could be creepy.

(30 November 2009 4:21 PM, PST )

Ha!!! RT @angelinas427 – @johncmayer is wanted by the FBI. being a ladies man is a dangerous thing.

(30 November 2009 4:01 PM, PST )

@NatalieCinman best crudely devised double entendre ever! XO

(30 November 2009 4:00 PM, PST )

@alyssacawley that wasn’t a dream. That was a flashforward. I had the same one! You’re an incredible lover on April 29 2010.

(30 November 2009 4:00 PM, PST )

@kingsthings how can you have the latest on something that’s already happened?

(30 November 2009 3:57 PM, PST )

Love it!! Great sense of humor. RT @TeamKatz @johncmayer You can drive my wheelchair!

(30 November 2009 12:43 PM, PST )

Of course I remember the Brady Bill, oversensitive reply guy. It was the law passed after Beau Bridges was shot and paralyzed.

(30 November 2009 12:33 PM, PST )

@BryanSimon by driving him under a bridge, taking him out of the trunk, saying « this is from Mr.Mayer » and then educating him.

(30 November 2009 12:27 PM, PST )

« Mr. Mayer is interested in test driving your wheelchair – it amuses him. »

(30 November 2009 12:22 PM, PST )

I wish the mob were still around. « Mr.Mayer would prefer you not photograph him today, » or « Mr.Mayer has taken a shining to your wife. »

(30 November 2009 12:16 PM, PST )

Come on, while it’s late at night and we have a chance!!! #TheMillionDollarManTedDibiase

(29 November 2009 11:39 PM, PST )

In its stead I will build a « Million Dollar Man » Ted DiBiase’s theme restaurant, replete with « Virgil’s Vegetarian Enclave. »

(29 November 2009 11:36 PM, PST )

Nevermind, yous guys. I just bought out a mom-and-pop video store. That always makes me feel better.

(29 November 2009 11:34 PM, PST )

I’m fine. Really. It’s no big deal. I’m gonna go lift some weights in the garage. With the car running. You know, for the tunes.

(29 November 2009 11:28 PM, PST )

No joke. Hadn’t logged in since I first took the test. I’ve been getting turned down for the last 6 months without knowing it.

(29 November 2009 11:24 PM, PST )

I took the eHarmony test and it turns out my personality has thin lips and lots of teeth.

(29 November 2009 11:15 PM, PST )

@cwm76 Ouch. How about that grammatical no-no? « Having thought about it. »

(29 November 2009 5:51 PM, PST )

@cwm76 I just got this now. After having thinking about it at length (and asking my « bathtub friends. ») I can imagine the confusion.

(29 November 2009 5:45 PM, PST )

@justinsiegel It doesn’t. But that’s the fun, I think.

(29 November 2009 4:01 PM, PST )

Is there anything better than having a day off and spending it installing software? MEN??

(29 November 2009 3:16 PM, PST )

@SmeltzieLA I know. But the story was the only one to give the sense of who I actually am. (not the gay douchebag one.)

(28 November 2009 11:06 PM, PST )

@CassidyRyann goodnight.

(28 November 2009 10:12 PM, PST )

@Kaipehl good point. I shall love you next.

(28 November 2009 8:20 PM, PST )

True, but it’s not like they called me « Mr Wrong » or somethOH, THIS IS NOT GOOD. RT @Going421A you’re also on US Weekly…sadly.

(28 November 2009 8:17 PM, PST )

I’m on the cover of Details this month. I’d like to do some gay print media, but that’s up to the beards at Maxim.

(28 November 2009 8:06 PM, PST )

That’s why I always make sure to have a chunk of flesh missing at all times – so the herovores (he’-ro-vores) won’t want to eat me.

(28 November 2009 6:01 PM, PST )

American media, the giant clown’s mouth that’s about to swallow Tiger Woods’ 18th hole shot on the mini-golf course of fame.

(28 November 2009 5:45 PM, PST )

@mgundred no, that’s not it.

(28 November 2009 11:58 AM, PST )

@RosalynnNieves no, that’s not it.

(28 November 2009 11:57 AM, PST )

@Fashiondiedrip no, that’s not it.

(28 November 2009 11:57 AM, PST )

What are these feelings I’m feeling?

(28 November 2009 11:45 AM, PST )

« Foodie. » Really, so if I don’t want to consider myself one, then I’ll eat anything? You gonna finish that bag of glass? #LeaveItInThe00s.

(27 November 2009 8:04 PM, PST )

Let’s hope!! RT @_chenault_ « I threw up in my mouth » « … made me throw up a little » or any of the variation. So overused. #LeaveItInThe00s

(27 November 2009 8:02 PM, PST )

@mandispandis agr33d!!

(27 November 2009 7:55 PM, PST )

True. Adding « pseudo, » « quasi, » and « -esque. » RT @OneBailey The English use of the word UBER: Uber irritating!

(27 November 2009 7:46 PM, PST )

Agreed. The height of smug. Said about people who try by people who don’t. RT @whiskeytits « fail » #LeaveItInThe00s

(27 November 2009 7:44 PM, PST )

Anything described as being « like watching a car crash. You can’t look away. » Yuck. #LeaveItInThe00s

(27 November 2009 7:42 PM, PST )

What a terrible way to defend having shifty taste. And guess what? I don’t stare at car crashes. Call me crazy. Or dignified. Whatevs.

(27 November 2009 7:41 PM, PST )

#LeaveItInThe00s – what word, phrase, trend, social custom etc. do you hope dies out in the turn of the decade?

(27 November 2009 7:35 PM, PST )

3:41am and I still can’t stop eating. I think there might be poop in my corn tomorrow.

(27 November 2009 12:42 AM, PST )

@Annie_Devine you get in you get done and then you get goh-haw-haw-n

(26 November 2009 7:15 PM, PST )

@RachW77 me too!!!

(26 November 2009 7:14 PM, PST )

The 2nd Annual Interfaith Baking Contest is soon to return!! Preheat your ovens!

(26 November 2009 6:51 PM, PST )

@Dianne_Can all of them!

(26 November 2009 2:29 PM, PST )

Listening to Christmas songs while hung over makes me feel like I’m in Die Hard.

(26 November 2009 10:48 AM, PST )

Happy Thanksgiving all. Special tip of the hat to our troops who can’t be home this year… we’re all thinking of you today!

(26 November 2009 9:16 AM, PST )

#imthankfulfor a life with more question marks than periods. You too? CHEERS!!

(26 November 2009 12:19 AM, PST )

@joshgroban SHHHHHH. It’s called a Lumbar Bag, and if you keep using the F word I’ll never be able to reintroduce it into society.

(25 November 2009 1:06 PM, PST )

Remember, there’s nothing the heart feels that can’t be expressed with some elbow macaroni and a little time.

(25 November 2009 12:56 PM, PST )

@SkyMall I gave my lawyer the painting of the wolves with inspiring mantra on Leadership. Framed. Cause I’m fancy.

(25 November 2009 11:14 AM, PST )

@SkyMall last year my friends had SkyMall secret Santa. I got a wonderful steak brander and a shirt that lights up with sound. Go USA!

(25 November 2009 11:12 AM, PST )

Nobody seems to think a gift certificate for catalogs is strange? You might as well say « Im sure that I know nothing about you. »

(25 November 2009 11:05 AM, PST )

Holiday shopping tip: what to buy the man who has everything this season? A gift card to

(25 November 2009 10:48 AM, PST )

@conspirito I always call it « sick fun. » Edge of Desire is about inviting pain for the excitement of it. Ain’t that life.

(24 November 2009 11:49 PM, PST )

#ImThankfulFor friends and family who see me as a straight line in a world of squiggles and not the other way around.

(24 November 2009 9:58 PM, PST )

Let’s do this! #imthankfulfor fans who know that music is what matters.

(24 November 2009 8:22 PM, PST )

Holiday break begins….. NOW! Thanks Toronto for a great night. Pulling out of you now. See you soon.

(24 November 2009 8:13 PM, PST )

@TheRealJordin thanks sweet girl.

(24 November 2009 5:36 PM, PST )

@DelaniJay too sweet. Thank you.

(24 November 2009 5:25 PM, PST )

Battle Studies is officially the number 1 album in the US! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! What a way to spend Thanksgiving.

(24 November 2009 4:54 PM, PST )

@juschaks Maybe I’ll do that, too. Just once around. Maybe my own music can remind me of a great memory on Thanksgiving.

(24 November 2009 10:57 AM, PST )

Even more exciting than Thanksgiving? The day before. Childhood memories of half days at school… Can’t wait for tomorrow.

(24 November 2009 10:47 AM, PST )

Any tweet that takes more than 90 seconds to write is not a tweet worth sending.

(24 November 2009 10:42 AM, PST )

@JM_Luna Do you have a head shot?

(23 November 2009 3:03 PM, PST )

O’DOYLE RULES!!! RT @KeganSummers My family likes to make fun of you, because you suck at just about everything you do.

(23 November 2009 2:53 PM, PST )

@ColeDTomlin Just got MAYERED. Don’t ever wash your computer.

(23 November 2009 2:47 PM, PST )

@StefanieDimonda Hi there. Hope your day gets better!

(23 November 2009 2:44 PM, PST )

I thought Lady Gaga’s flames were a little pitchy last night.

(23 November 2009 2:41 PM, PST )

Extremely funny!! RT @Jolomoco – WOW! Taylor Swift’s really progressing as a performer, and FAST!

(23 November 2009 2:37 PM, PST )

I really like Lady Gaga. Just having fun. Watch, here’s her new record. See?

(23 November 2009 2:36 PM, PST )

There’s early footage of GaGa playing NY clubs on a only a keyboard, but to be fair, it was rigged to squirt animal feces. (Faulty lever.)

(23 November 2009 2:32 PM, PST ) – Look at how good she sounded!

(23 November 2009 2:26 PM, PST )

@CarolAnnLeRoy You are correct! It was the Grammys. -50 magic points for me.

(23 November 2009 12:06 PM, PST )

I’ll write you a pass. RT @palegreenstar Trying to pay attention in class. But all I want to do is go home & listen to battle studies

(23 November 2009 10:51 AM, PST )

Taylor: Controversy: Kanye at VMAs. Gaffe: pending, though TMZ is foaming at the mouth. Triumph: 2009.

(23 November 2009 10:09 AM, PST )

Lambert: Controversy: man-kiss. Gaffe: pending. Triumph: American Idol Superstar.

(23 November 2009 10:07 AM, PST )

For the uninitiated: j-lo: controversy: green dress at oscars. gaffe: slipping during dance last night. Triumph: movie/music hit streak.

(23 November 2009 10:06 AM, PST )

@PerezHilton I hope not as well. That’s why I’m going to make sure Taylor always has a fresh battery in her mic and sensible shoes.

(23 November 2009 10:03 AM, PST )

@PerezHilton you know, when the same people who put her on the pedestal decide it’s time to watch her trip off the top of it.

(23 November 2009 10:00 AM, PST )

@PerezHilton Taylor’s besting of MJ and her multi-awards. We need to be ready to protect our girl from the « backlash »

(23 November 2009 9:58 AM, PST )

…which leaves the triumph, Taylor Swift, who was already in a staged controversy (Kanye) unnervingly gaffe-free.

(23 November 2009 9:52 AM, PST )

Interesting: last night’s gaffe-maker? Once a staged controversy (green dress) Controversy maker? was once a triumph (Idol…)

(23 November 2009 9:49 AM, PST )

Last nights AMAs seems to have met all 3 award show requirements: a staged controversy, a gaffe and a triumph.

(23 November 2009 9:45 AM, PST )

Toronto, I am inside you!!!

(22 November 2009 4:22 PM, PST )

RT @cwm76: I want to see the cast of Cirque de Soleil flee a burning building. Such panic. Such grace!

(22 November 2009 7:31 AM, PST )

I’m the George W. Bush of love: I may not have anything to show for myself now, but history will prove me a hero.

(22 November 2009 1:48 AM, PST )

I’m currently on drink 5. You know, that drink that takes you from « cunning ladykiller » to « your funny friend. »

(21 November 2009 10:36 PM, PST )

@JordanRaggio technically I think it’s spelled « shoddy. » I know this because I made the same mistake emailing a hooker once. Don’t ask.

(21 November 2009 10:27 PM, PST )

The joke I failed to buff out here is that nobody’s texting me. Because I’m a creep. HahahahahahhahahahahahahahaaCRY. Pen song. Smiiiile.

(21 November 2009 10:25 PM, PST )

@cwm76 it’s all based on POV. The cat has to be closer to the lens than the human. Oh, wait, are you talking slings and turbines?

(21 November 2009 10:23 PM, PST )

I ended up fucking the AT&T representative. But still… no texts?

(21 November 2009 10:17 PM, PST )

« Have you seen your track record? » the representative asked.

(21 November 2009 10:15 PM, PST )

Called AT&T customer service. Told the representative I’m not getting my texts. « Have you seen your service? » I asked.

(21 November 2009 10:14 PM, PST )

This AT&T service sucks. I’m not getting my texts. Let me walk outside. (Walks outside.) Oh. I…. See. Okay! I can deal.

(21 November 2009 10:10 PM, PST )

Billy Mays’ « Jupiter Jack » makes driving while talking on a cell phone safer. Filming a commercial while driving? You’re on your own.

(21 November 2009 4:34 PM, PST )

I love how close the ? and ! keys are on an iPhone. « John, I have big news! Tracy’s pregnant! » « Oh my God, I’m so excited for you? »

(21 November 2009 4:27 PM, PST )

I’ve never met one problem I couldn’t overcome with two or more of the lessons I’ve already learned.

(21 November 2009 2:45 PM, PST )

@sarahdulat I saw a SIGN, Phyllis!!!

(21 November 2009 11:23 AM, PST )

XO RT @bmd just picked up Battle Studies. 9 yrs later ur still singing right 2 me. I feel like we’ve traveled down a long road together

(21 November 2009 11:23 AM, PST )

It’s ‘Quick Change’ Night (again). Amazing scene…

(20 November 2009 11:50 PM, PST )

…you have to be like « wait until you hear this fucking plan. »

(20 November 2009 1:28 AM, PST )

The problem is you have to store a super big vacuum box in your living room for a month. Then when people ask you what gives with the box

(20 November 2009 1:27 AM, PST )

Hey everyone! Oreck is offering a 30-day trial, and they’ll even pay return shipping! That’s like renting a vacuum free for 30 days!

(20 November 2009 1:22 AM, PST )

David Abbot claims he cheated because Shannon put everyone else first. Don’t be a David Abbot.

(20 November 2009 1:09 AM, PST )

Try the Cricut Expression in your home for only $33. Find out more at or by calling 1-800-324-1117!

(20 November 2009 1:02 AM, PST )

Persuant to new FTC regulations, I am required by law to disclose that I am endorsed by, makers of Cricut Expression.

(20 November 2009 1:00 AM, PST )

Thanks, but I just gave up. Attempting legendary status tomorrow. RT @AAgalsoff congrats on a stellar release. Party your face off.

(19 November 2009 11:00 PM, PST )

I’m entering the 24 hour-awake mark, but I’m partying my face off. Because if not on release week, then when?

(19 November 2009 10:21 PM, PST )

Theory: these promotional schedules are left over from a bygone era when everyone in music was coked out of their minds.

(19 November 2009 2:10 PM, PST )

LOL!!! 😛 RT @cnnbrk Belgian prime minister named first « president of Europe,” UK prime minister says.

(19 November 2009 2:04 PM, PST )

@koreantomcruise known for his dominance in the Twitter game, @koreantomcruise drops a new limited edition tweet to JM. More after the jump.

(19 November 2009 10:26 AM, PST )

Just met Robert Pattinson, his wife Cheryl and two children Emily and Jason. They live in Taos, NM. Sweet little family.

(19 November 2009 6:19 AM, PST )

@taylorswift13 let’s bedazzle something!

(18 November 2009 6:04 PM, PST )

LOL RT @cnnbrk Sources: CBO estimates Senate health bill would cost $849 billion over 10 years.

(18 November 2009 3:16 PM, PST )

CNN Headline News tweets should call themselves what they really are – Comedy Buzzkill. Try putting an ‘LOL RT » before them. See?

(18 November 2009 1:31 PM, PST )

Welcome to One Forty Plus. And Welcome to « Teh Battle Study. »

(18 November 2009 1:21 AM, PST )

@WhitneyCummings tears make the saddest lube.

(18 November 2009 12:19 AM, PST )

@helloimnathan best reply of the day. Just want to provide access into the process.

(18 November 2009 12:18 AM, PST )

I don’t own any material good or an opportunity in life that wasn’t given to me by my fans. Touching my stuff like I was high on E.

(17 November 2009 11:46 PM, PST )

@torihatesyou we’ll break it out on the real-deal tour.

(17 November 2009 11:09 PM, PST )

I was recently asked if I wanted to have a Behind The Music. What’s the angle? « Then, in 2006, Mayer got a coital headache. » (No.)

(17 November 2009 11:06 PM, PST )

Thanks NY for the great show. Thank you fans for the opportunity to shine. May you all feel like I did tonight.

(17 November 2009 11:04 PM, PST )

I love this! RT @jordyenglish [JM] says « heart » 44 times and « love » 37 times in Battle Studies. I wonder what kind of theme he’s going for.

(17 November 2009 10:58 PM, PST )

@chuckazooloo whoa! Thank you. Still practicing. Fingers getting calloused up again.

(17 November 2009 8:23 PM, PST )

We have a winner of the two tickets. Lest anybody ask some other man in an ascot for a smoke.

(17 November 2009 4:58 PM, PST )

Ask the man in the ascot if he has a smoke.

(17 November 2009 4:15 PM, PST )

Anybody outside the Beacon looking for tickets?

(17 November 2009 4:11 PM, PST )

@sailseattle thank you! And Happy Birthday.

(17 November 2009 4:02 PM, PST )

@Kaimana1985 believe me, I’m being tempered! Hot, hardcore tempering.

(17 November 2009 12:54 PM, PST )

@TJGoff I was just asking that. I think downside/upshot is the pairing.

(17 November 2009 12:53 PM, PST )

The downside of no longer having youthful arrogance: you can’t dope yourself up with pride. The upshot: others finally can.

(17 November 2009 12:49 PM, PST )

Way to mess that one up, me.

(17 November 2009 12:48 PM, PST )

@izabelll #thanks!

(17 November 2009 12:19 PM, PST )

@kenz214 cause I don’t belong to anyone, and nobody belongs to me!!!!!!!

(17 November 2009 12:18 PM, PST )

@cm14389 thank you!!

(17 November 2009 12:17 PM, PST ) link to the $10.99 version. In fairness

(17 November 2009 10:44 AM, PST )

…and for accepting me. My favorite replies are the ones that say I made you smile at work. You make me smile at work, too.

(17 November 2009 10:33 AM, PST )

…for inspiring me to keep going by way of your excitement… for taking my mind off of things when I couldn’t sleep

(17 November 2009 10:31 AM, PST )

It’s here… – Battle Studies. Having a quiet afternoon filled with gratitude. Thanks everyone for following along

(17 November 2009 10:28 AM, PST )

Ya know, both the bear and cat could be dead from carbon monoxide poisoning. It’s a silent killer. But I doubt it. Goodnight angels!

(16 November 2009 12:57 AM, PST )

I can’t stop thinking about the bear. Why can’t I be this happy? The essentials for happiness are around us at all times.

(16 November 2009 12:44 AM, PST )

Is there anything cuter than a bear falling asleep with a cat in his lap? Makes you forget bears eat cats.

(16 November 2009 12:32 AM, PST )

Attention « New Moon » fans – buy Battle Studies and get a special code to enter into to get free tic- ah, forget it.

(14 November 2009 6:32 PM, PST )

Busted out a cover of Poker Face as a blues shuffle today. I won’t perform it, pursuant to the « Played-Out Kitsch » Provision.

(14 November 2009 5:11 PM, PST ) – Can someone please explain this to me?!?!

(14 November 2009 1:53 AM, PST )

If you ever see me out and about and I’m punching myself in the pants, leave me be. Personal lessons are being taught/learned.

(14 November 2009 1:08 AM, PST )

What should I do about having all these new song ideas? Hotel room album? Or do I just punch myself in the pants and make it stop?

(14 November 2009 12:53 AM, PST )

Travel tip: when involved in a major flight delay, lower your expectations to those of a lizard, or a box of yo-yos.

(13 November 2009 7:43 PM, PST )

Wherever you go, there you have to wait.

(13 November 2009 6:53 PM, PST )

Excited to get to NYC and switch into full « Battle Studies » mode… Can’t wait until Tuesday

(13 November 2009 12:54 PM, PST )

Wait a minute, you can? Well I’ll drink a bottle of water to tha- wait, I can’t?

(13 November 2009 12:14 PM, PST )

If I wanted to learn how to exploit the weaknesses of TSA security, I’d pose as paparazzi and photograph the security line all day.

(13 November 2009 12:12 PM, PST )

(Raises hand) « Tears. » RT @Oleifr Dogs responding to their owner coming home from deployment:

(11 November 2009 4:07 PM, PST )

RT @ellenhouli So we should just hang around in Times Square and make out with them as they get here on more of a case-by-case basis?

(11 November 2009 3:53 PM, PST )

@RhapsodyCoach Not true. The provisions are in place. The focus now has to be on returning vets seeking out VA services.

(11 November 2009 3:42 PM, PST )

..but with employment. And acceptance. And we should never speak to them about politics. « Thank you for your service » is all it takes.

(11 November 2009 3:39 PM, PST )

It’s going to be essential in the coming months that we embrace our returning vets not only through posters and handshakes

(11 November 2009 3:37 PM, PST )

Many of these men and women are looking for employment, and some of them are injured. Some of them have tattoos honoring the fallen

(11 November 2009 3:36 PM, PST )

The fact is that thousands of troops have already returned. There will be no one defining day when the ships sail into port

(11 November 2009 3:35 PM, PST )

Important to remember: the entirety of our troops aren’t either « over there » or « home. »

(11 November 2009 3:34 PM, PST )

3 organizations working tirelessly to address needs of returning combat vets: http://www.ncire.org

(11 November 2009 3:06 PM, PST )

@koreantomcruise I wouldn’t use Dasani water to wash a dog’s dick. #EasyOnTheLanguage #WhyAreYouWashingADogsDick

(11 November 2009 1:46 AM, PST )

@koreantomcruise News Release: Dasani brand water eyes potability by 2012.

(11 November 2009 1:43 AM, PST )

Stay hurtable. Stay human. Stay open. It’s always worth it.

(10 November 2009 4:23 PM, PST )

It’s been extremely uncomfortable at times to stay open and honest, but I feel like Battle Studies may be proof it was worth it.

(10 November 2009 4:22 PM, PST )

My heart is full after reading your responses to the record. I’m still « here, » you know? Never left. Never will.

(10 November 2009 4:21 PM, PST )

T H A N S !!! RT mateolewis @johncmayer ‘s Battle Studies: I N C R E I B L E

(9 November 2009 6:17 PM, PST )

Quasi-RT @radiosophie Battle Studies WORLD PREMIERE at 6PST – listen at

(9 November 2009 5:55 PM, PST )

@koreantomcruise yes. Your purchase helps fund future versions and upgrades. Also you are entitled to our 24hr help line.

(9 November 2009 5:14 PM, PST )

Re: the « leak » of Battle Studies – have at it. But if you like it, please « register » your copy by purchasing it.

(9 November 2009 3:28 PM, PST )

RT @cwm76 I hope that Steven Tyler and Joe Perry at least keep making those « Madea » movies.

(9 November 2009 3:13 PM, PST )

I’m gonna forage for food and listen to some Phil Hendrie podcasts. If you’re not down with Hendrie you are missing out!

(9 November 2009 3:39 AM, PST )

Anybody in the LA area who may have returned from a trip to Australia want to play some racquetball or rent a movie?

(9 November 2009 2:51 AM, PST )

« There’s no discounting for bad taste. » – Me, just now.

(7 November 2009 10:43 AM, PST )

If you’re shocked that Britney was lip-syncing at her concert and want your money back, life may continue to be hard for you.

(7 November 2009 10:42 AM, PST )

Full circle… The finished product atop the console that recorded it.

(7 November 2009 9:04 AM, PST )

If your iPhone ring is « marimba, » you might be in a romantic comedy.

(6 November 2009 3:36 PM, PST )

No more complaining… I remember how to do this. Guerrilla tour mode ENGAGE.

(6 November 2009 5:04 AM, PST )

This hotel smells like the carbon paper in a coroner’s report. (I’m tired, go with it.)

(6 November 2009 4:48 AM, PST )

Booked the 930am flight home.

(6 November 2009 4:39 AM, PST )

Sydney to Los Angeles. I mean, turn around, back to Sydney. I mean, over to Melbourne… Thanks Airbus A380!!

(6 November 2009 3:48 AM, PST )

There’s a difference between something good and something enjoyable.

(5 November 2009 7:01 PM, PST )

I’m starting to lose faith in the freshness ratings on Either that or I really enjoy crap movies.

(5 November 2009 6:55 PM, PST )

The standoff continues. We’re both trembling. I believe there will be some sort of an accord drawn up soon.

(5 November 2009 1:58 PM, PST )

Sitting in a restroom stall. There is a man in the stall beside me. We’re both waiting for the other to leave. Entering minute 12.

(5 November 2009 1:30 PM, PST )

SteveJordan/SeanHurley/DavidRyanHarris/RobbieMcIntosh/CharlieWilson/MelanieTaylor/JulieDelgado…What a BAND

(5 November 2009 4:28 AM, PST )

That familiar ringing in my ears in silence… Thank you Sydney for one of the most fun nights of music I’ve ever experienced.

(5 November 2009 4:23 AM, PST )

Pregnant and incontinent! RT @katierynne I swear to god I’m f@#$ing pregnant, THAT’S how good @johncmayer‘s show was… Poo in pants.

(5 November 2009 4:21 AM, PST )

This is the part in a line of interviews where I want to start making answers up. So if you read that I breed alpacas, go with it.

(4 November 2009 8:38 PM, PST )

Sweatpants, bed, laptop, movies, sleep, heat, water, time, quiet. 12 hours before reset. Loving every second.

(4 November 2009 5:46 AM, PST )

First time on stage, full band, new songs. Re-learning the feeling. Can’t wait to do this again as a reflex. Love this group!

(4 November 2009 2:31 AM, PST )

When I’m having tepid, emotionally distant straight sex, I like to wear my Wicked Good Slip-ons.

(3 November 2009 4:42 PM, PST )

the Pima Turtleneck Feels silky soft and wears remarkably well for both lesbians and c**k fiends alike.

(3 November 2009 4:32 PM, PST )

Straight or gay, the Wildcat boot provides coverage in deep snow and is suited to extreme winter conditions.

(3 November 2009 4:29 PM, PST )

No on 1? Yes on 1? Let’s rejoice in something we can all band together to thank Maine for.

(3 November 2009 4:24 PM, PST )

Is this: a sign on recognizing when someone is having a stroke OR on recognizing when I’m playing a solo?

(2 November 2009 5:49 PM, PST )

Thanks Larry, I’m on it!! RT @kingsthings Mariah Carey is on Wednesday — there’s still time to send me some questions for her

(2 November 2009 3:01 PM, PST )

Placed my room service order, was asked « will that be for two? » Uh, yyyyyyessss? How could one man ea-he-heat ah-all tha-ha-hat??

(2 November 2009 2:49 PM, PST )

Please bring your Halloween candy to @rove1974 at ABC studios, Gordon St, Elsternwick,VIC.

(1 November 2009 2:54 AM, PST )

To the « one piece of candy a day » people who still have Halloween treats on Thanksgiving, I just don’t understand your kind.

(31 October 2009 9:59 PM, PDT )

Rehearsal for Rove. I was going to bring my giant light-up sign, glad I didn’t.

(31 October 2009 9:55 PM, PDT )

Here it is! Haloween Candy Exchange. REESCP +.21, ALMJY -.07 TOOTSRL +.45, SNCKR +.87, SMRTS -.65, Nickels remain worthless.

(31 October 2009 9:53 PM, PDT )

I’m in Australia on Halloween. It’s like turning out your porch light times a billion.

(31 October 2009 6:43 PM, PDT )

Love you too, dad. RT @capdoll love you John, but I would rather listen 2 Miley than u vomit out a stop this train soundalike w/ weak lyrics

(30 October 2009 9:02 PM, PDT )

Heard « Who Says » on XM 20on20 right before « Party in the USA. » I’m grateful to still be in the big league before the knees go

(30 October 2009 7:47 PM, PDT )

Just caught myself saying a name into the voice dial on my cellphone the (wrong) way it pronounces it.

(30 October 2009 6:08 PM, PDT )

Tons of responses claiming my hip pouch is a fanny pack. They’re like night and gay.

(29 October 2009 11:00 PM, PDT )

I keep my Tic-Tacs in an Altoid tin. RT @SueCForrest throw your altoid box in there too

(29 October 2009 10:51 PM, PDT )

« The journey is always shortest at both ends. » #SoundsLikeAFamousQuoteButMakesNoSense

(29 October 2009 10:48 PM, PDT )

Full disclosure, I’m wearing a hip pack. Needed a place to keep my magic tricks, my gum, my flashlight and my pen and paper.

(29 October 2009 10:43 PM, PDT )

Hey, you want to come to Australia with me through the magic of Twitter? Well come on then, you silly goose!!

(29 October 2009 9:19 PM, PDT )

RT @cwm76 Perfect Thursday night: Relaxing with a tall glass of warm buttermilk and listening to 45’s of children breathing.

(29 October 2009 8:47 PM, PDT )

Success as a musician never brought me anything better than I already had by being a musician in the first place. By the by.

(28 October 2009 12:25 PM, PDT )

I’m ready to make these songs my home. And the band my family

(28 October 2009 12:23 PM, PDT )

I may look like I’m in LA, but my heart is in the airport lounge, serving myself cookies with tongs.

(28 October 2009 12:21 PM, PDT )

Yes!! Hi. RT @carecrowley over two million followers…(sigh) i am just a lost tear in the it possible to be found?

(27 October 2009 12:06 PM, PDT )

These two performed impromptu the other night as well. Unfortunately they weren’t mentioned – and should be!!!

(27 October 2009 11:47 AM, PDT )

You know what? At first I wasn’t feeling it but I gotta say, you actually have an adorable baby.

(26 October 2009 4:40 PM, PDT )

I gotta say, I actually think you look nice today.

(26 October 2009 4:38 PM, PDT )

If you thought it was going to be shite, why would you have watched/listened to/read it in the first place?

(26 October 2009 4:35 PM, PDT )

I don’t get when people say « it was ACTUALLY good! »… « I GOTTA say, it was ACTUALLY really good! » Blech.

(26 October 2009 4:34 PM, PDT )

If you have to constantly revise your initial reaction to something, shouldn’t you start rethinking your initial reactions?

(26 October 2009 4:11 PM, PDT )

If you put me into a lead box and sailed me around the globe for 2 years, I’d still be able to tell you it was a Sunday night.

(26 October 2009 1:03 AM, PDT )

Taking the night to create the « Hard Drive of Happiness, » 500 gigs of entertainment for the lonesome traveler.

(25 October 2009 9:38 PM, PDT )

@mikieginokc Does there exist a non-evasive urinal catheter that would allow for a contiguous night of sleep?

(25 October 2009 5:19 AM, PDT )

@cwm76 I understand. Gabriel, he, is, pre-COCIOUS.

(25 October 2009 5:16 AM, PDT )

for my hog. RT @waukisha for your cat?

(25 October 2009 5:04 AM, PDT )

By the way, can anybody point me in the direction of a good resource on do-it-yourself home catheterization?

(25 October 2009 4:59 AM, PDT )

I want to produce a remix of Beyonce’s « Sweet Dreams » with my dad singing « turn the lights OFF! »

(25 October 2009 4:54 AM, PDT )

Out: « that’s what she said. » In: « sounds like my ex-wife! »

(25 October 2009 1:29 AM, PDT )

I won’t be happy unless I rewrite this: Northwest Airlines is the Southwest Airlines of the north. So much funnier that way.

(23 October 2009 1:18 AM, PDT )

Southwest Airlines is the Northwest Airlines of the south.

(23 October 2009 12:38 AM, PDT )

@CiamlisteningOZ The answer: you may not have the tools for the whole job right now, but you can get them. Promise you that.

(22 October 2009 12:13 PM, PDT )

Yah, but what about two years everywhere else? RT @yamagrin you serious? i could use two years anywhere else

(22 October 2009 12:11 PM, PDT )

Getting my head ready for not being home for two years. Like a travel-sized, airline approved bottle of Buddhism.

(22 October 2009 12:09 PM, PDT )

(Pounds fists) HANCOCK!!! RT @sarita114 Just discovered Herbie hancock. Sorry [JM] but he’s blowing up my ipod tonight. Not you.

(22 October 2009 12:09 AM, PDT )

New Instant Message custom: Want to give the conversation a break? type in « II », and pause it. It’s like a ‘brb’ but longer.

(22 October 2009 12:07 AM, PDT )

RT @RevRunWisdom Happiness DOES NOT mean everythings perfect, it just means uve decided to look past the imperfections.. 🙂

(21 October 2009 2:20 PM, PDT )

I have a twitch in my eye, or as I like to think of it: PERIODIC OPTO-MUSCULAR ELECTRIC SYSTEMS DIAGNOSTIC CHECK: PASSED

(21 October 2009 12:43 PM, PDT )

Maybe you should ask this guy for advice. RT@kingsthings Also tonight – George Lopez! What should I ask him?

(20 October 2009 11:26 AM, PDT )

@elvisduran cobbling.

(20 October 2009 4:44 AM, PDT )

I can choose to indulge in my frustrations or I can choose to create a habit of happiness. It’s not easy but it’s worth the fight.

(20 October 2009 1:35 AM, PDT )

I’m back!!! I’m back in the saddle again!!!

(19 October 2009 6:16 PM, PDT )

Heading into rehearsals for Battle Studies world tour… I’ll send some pics along.

(19 October 2009 3:15 PM, PDT )

Why are we calling him Balloon Boy if he wasn’t in the balloon at all? Isn’t he just Attic Boy?

(19 October 2009 2:55 PM, PDT )

Found a new spot in NY. It looks like a pizza place, but when you walk down the stairs in back it leads to an amazing bathroom.

(19 October 2009 8:50 AM, PDT ) check out « Heartbreak Warfare » in Augmented Reality. Exclamation point.

(19 October 2009 7:52 AM, PDT )

@mattmangano @smeltziela Hash, pound, numberl, tic-tac-toe board, cartoon contusion, small section of a waffle, Bristle Block. #######

(19 October 2009 5:37 AM, PDT )

Hashmark, pound, number symbol, tic-tac-toe board. ####

(18 October 2009 11:39 PM, PDT )

Hashmark, pound, number symbol. ###

(18 October 2009 11:39 PM, PDT )

Hashmark pound. ##.

(18 October 2009 11:38 PM, PDT )

Drinking always makes my teeth feel soft. Do I like my teeth feeling soft? Results inconclusive: requires further study.

(18 October 2009 11:15 PM, PDT )

RT @petewentz Who drinks coffee before they fly? That’s like washing your hands before you go to the bathroom.

(18 October 2009 11:13 PM, PDT )

If you want to go out and buy an entire case of AA batteries, I say more power to you.

(18 October 2009 3:30 PM, PDT )

Being given a bottle of alcohol as a gift is a friend’s way of saying « I don’t think you have a drinking problem yet. »

(17 October 2009 2:16 PM, PDT )

Or a big balloon ass. Either one works. RT @firemacjimmy I will be a celeb as soon as I aquire a big ass balloon.

(17 October 2009 12:59 PM, PDT )

Yes. And now that I’ve replied, you have to become a celeb. RT @Brandoncronin Do you gotta be celebrity to get a reply from you?

(17 October 2009 12:56 PM, PDT )

@tyrabanks Thanks! – JoJo PS – I’m now following you. Can I expect to become fiercer?

(17 October 2009 12:38 PM, PDT )

My friends took me out and got me completely 32 last night.

(17 October 2009 12:20 PM, PDT )

I didn’t fail at making an omelet. I succeeded at making a scramble.

(17 October 2009 12:17 PM, PDT )

If you think « Party in the USA » is ironically awesome, go home. If you think it’s authentically awesome, let’s dance.

(16 October 2009 11:06 PM, PDT )

I don’t think there’s anything as easy and as thrilling as performing with @aliciakeys. Her grasp of music is supreme.

(16 October 2009 10:27 PM, PDT )

Robbie says this is my birthday card. I love this so much.

(16 October 2009 8:13 PM, PDT )

@ddlovato thanks miss L.

(16 October 2009 3:35 PM, PDT )

@justinsiegel hence showering your #spearfishing coach in pastrami.

(16 October 2009 1:52 PM, PDT )

@justinsiegel thank you. I’m #spearfishing at Katz’ Deli right now. Drinking celery soda for nutrients.

(16 October 2009 1:00 PM, PDT )

Thanks for the birthday wishes (especially you, Brazil!) 32 years old and not a wrinkle. Whack don’t crack!

(16 October 2009 12:52 PM, PDT )

@PerezHilton thank you. That’s very kind. I like our Twitter version of The Itchy and Scratchy Show.

(16 October 2009 12:47 PM, PDT ) debut of the « Battle Studies » album cover

(16 October 2009 9:07 AM, PDT )

That cat from the « hang in there » poster just died. Makes a man just wanna give up.

(15 October 2009 10:33 PM, PDT )

Tonight, Imaginationland is short one small boy.

(15 October 2009 7:20 PM, PDT )

This unfortunate media display involving balloon boy undermines the hundreds of boys and girls actually lost to balloon flight every year.

(15 October 2009 7:12 PM, PDT )

You know who the most flamboyant crowd is? Straight, drunk girls. They’re like a bunch of little Charles Nelson Reillys.

(15 October 2009 3:48 PM, PDT )

I dont like the story painting gays as unable to control themselves. Found the crowd even more respectful than in a straight club.

(15 October 2009 3:41 PM, PDT )

Rumor check: went to gay bar in Palm Springs, yes. Had a blast. Danced my face off. Someone there planted a kiss on me? No.

(15 October 2009 3:39 PM, PDT )

Sending love to my fans. It’s always implied but it should be said that I wouldn’t be here without you. So yah. Thank you.

(15 October 2009 11:47 AM, PDT )

Passed this on the street today. If you’re the dude this was written for, you’ve got a keeper.

(15 October 2009 7:54 AM, PDT )

Actually, if you mix the subject matter of the two songs together, you have a pretty fun camping trip!

(14 October 2009 10:02 PM, PDT )

Thanks for supporting « Who Says » and making it number 2 behind the number 1 song, « 3. »

(14 October 2009 10:02 PM, PDT )

Factazoid: 67 percent of all XBOX controllers are splattered with candle wax.

(14 October 2009 2:11 PM, PDT )

Just upgraded my Mac to OS 10.7, aka Def Leopard. Now there’s sugar all over my keyboard.

(14 October 2009 10:40 AM, PDT ) the video for « Who Says. » Come spend a night out with my friends and I for three minutes.

(14 October 2009 1:12 AM, PDT )

@PerezHilton you only like music that sounds like bleach smells.

(13 October 2009 11:41 PM, PDT )

It’s a guaranteed winner then!! RT @PerezHilton @JohncMayer Hmmm, I’m not really feeling it!

(13 October 2009 11:38 PM, PDT )

Just got a new place in LA. On Kirstey Alley, between Beverly and D’Angelo.

(13 October 2009 11:19 PM, PDT )

Sorry I’m out of it, VH1, MTV and iTunes interviewers. I was up with little DeShawn all night.

(13 October 2009 2:25 AM, PDT )

Perfect LA bedtime! Except I’m in New York. Whatever. You know how I get away with it? Complain about my newborn. People understand.

(13 October 2009 2:21 AM, PDT )

« Who Says » is available on iTunes…

(12 October 2009 9:47 PM, PDT )

@JeremyB87 Nope. Hordes.

(12 October 2009 7:27 PM, PDT )

Huffington Post is the white MediaTakeOut. (okay. I’m done.)

(12 October 2009 7:26 PM, PDT )

True hate’s not really happening… I promise you. Consider it « The Hate-rix. »

(12 October 2009 7:24 PM, PDT )

This would be just fine if it weren’t for the hordes of people who don’t get the fact that it’s all dollar-generated.

(12 October 2009 7:11 PM, PDT )

Hopefully, you’re fighting, clicking, refreshing, gasping, clicking, hating, fighting, clicking… and they’re taking home the ad money.

(12 October 2009 7:09 PM, PDT )

Also, ask them their opinion and let them « vote. » That always works. Why? Click on a poll, get transported to another page. Another click!

(12 October 2009 7:07 PM, PDT )

then, keep them coming back by way of letting them comment. Someone who posts will check the site for replies: more clicks, more money.

(12 October 2009 7:06 PM, PDT )

…how do you get as many clicks as possible? Shock them into clicking. Caps, exclamation points, anything hyper-sensitive.

(12 October 2009 7:05 PM, PDT )

Quick dissertation on the anatomy of « hate » in our decade: web sites get paid by advertisers based on how many site visits they get

(12 October 2009 7:04 PM, PDT )

Yah, salad, sure. What do you say we do away with the niceties and you wheel in that cart with the astronaut ice cream?

(12 October 2009 4:22 PM, PDT )

All cookies are sugar cookies.

(12 October 2009 4:20 PM, PDT )

Playing a rousing game of « spot the Air Marshal » on my flight. I believe it to be the nine year old boy making faces at me.

(12 October 2009 3:34 PM, PDT )

@justinsiegel I bet it sounds great in a Jetta.

(12 October 2009 12:25 PM, PDT )

@justinsiegel re: Owl City/PS, I agree. I dig OC. It’s sort of fascinating: Hardly ever do you get a derivative as good as the original.

(12 October 2009 10:49 AM, PDT )

You know, parents may ask you « please stay and fix the printer and the cable box, » but what they really mean to ask is « please stay. »

(11 October 2009 10:05 PM, PDT )

@PerezHilton let’s role play. I’ll play a lost hiker in the woods and you play a guy who can read.

(10 October 2009 5:08 PM, PDT )

@PerezHilton I’m giving up. This isn’t even fun. It’s like having Ted Williams as a dancing partner.

(10 October 2009 5:01 PM, PDT )

@perezhilton After a lot of mumbling and kicking an acorn through some mulch I return. « Okay, » I say. « Sex it is! » He arrests me every time.

(10 October 2009 4:40 PM, PDT )

@perezhilton Then I usually talk out my options for about 25 minutes while the officer waits.

(10 October 2009 4:37 PM, PDT )

@PerezHilton and then I say. « Hmmm. Yes. Yes, I do. So If you and I start having sex you’re going to arrest me? » And he says « Yes I will. »

(10 October 2009 4:34 PM, PDT )

@perezhilton trouble is, I have a thing for cops. I always ask, « you a cop? » and they say « Yes. Can’t you see from the uniform and badge? »

(10 October 2009 4:33 PM, PDT )

@PerezHilton yes.

(10 October 2009 4:25 PM, PDT )

Perez Hilton loses 2000 contacts in his Sidekick. 2000 people to meet in Griffith Park for biggest group hug ever.

(10 October 2009 3:46 PM, PDT )

Filofax offers users personal data protection –

(10 October 2009 3:39 PM, PDT )

Attn T-Mobile Sidekick users: Just discovered this new device… they guarantee no downtime or loss of data.

(10 October 2009 3:33 PM, PDT )

« Okay. Okay. Bye, baby. » (Hang up) Please don’t notice, please don’t notice, please don’-RRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG

(10 October 2009 12:38 PM, PDT )

Men, Is there anything more embarrassing than accidentally calling one of your guy friends « baby? »

(10 October 2009 12:36 PM, PDT )

Here it is! The final master. Gonna pop it in and jump in the pool. Where the water will mask my tears.

(9 October 2009 11:13 PM, PDT )

A Bi-plane crashing into a silo. A man cutting his hand while slicing a bagel. An Asian man buying flowers. Gonna be a great clip.

(9 October 2009 10:58 PM, PDT )

Just finished shooting the karaoke video for « Who Says. » Final shot was me, longingly smoking a cigarette and watching a tugboat.

(9 October 2009 10:56 PM, PDT )

I’m thinking of changing my Twitter password from « mayermayer » to something less self-absorbed sounding. Thoughts?

(9 October 2009 10:38 PM, PDT )

YOU’RE WELCOME TONY HELD, OH MY GOD THE BRAINFREEZE. RT @tonyheld Thank you @johncmayer fantastic!

(9 October 2009 10:31 PM, PDT )

Having a dog at the park? Chick magnet. A baby? Ditto. Teaching your toddler to ride your dog? Kah-ching.

(9 October 2009 6:16 PM, PDT )

« they will hate you for what you can do with a baton. »RT@tattoosrawesome It was about someones crush.What was the first one you ever heard?

(9 October 2009 5:54 PM, PDT )

What was the first secret you ever heard?

(9 October 2009 5:52 PM, PDT )

You motor through that last verse of « Take on Me » and you will be rewarded. Respected. Revered. Reviled.

(9 October 2009 5:51 PM, PDT )

Crazy dances to songs always begin fun, but once you hit the bridge, all you want to do is stop: but you can’t. You mustn’t.

(9 October 2009 5:50 PM, PDT )

Correction, now weighing 182 pounds, 4 ounces.

(9 October 2009 11:22 AM, PDT )

Announcing the awakening of John Clayton Mayer, brought into consciousness at 10:48am, weighing 183 pounds, 12 ounces.

(9 October 2009 11:20 AM, PDT )

I can’t help but find myself asking the question « What would Miley have tweeted about this? »

(8 October 2009 9:56 PM, PDT )

Can’t stop pacing. Not pregnant anymore. Weird. RT @BobMaron it’s official…. it’s on..!!!

(8 October 2009 9:34 PM, PDT )

Finished the album art, signed off on the mixes, packed a bag and fled. This weekend is MINE.

(8 October 2009 9:30 PM, PDT )

It’s glandular. Remember when NYC smelled like maple syrup and nobody knew why? Uh huh. RT @bethany78 sausagey?????

(8 October 2009 3:39 PM, PDT )

intense,brooding, a little sausagey. RT @aliciakeys Someone asked me a great question, « describe your presence » How would you?;-)

(8 October 2009 3:37 PM, PDT )

« …the DJ’s playin’ my favorite song, and a Trans-Siberian Orchestra song is on/and a Trans-Siberian Orchestra song is on… »

(8 October 2009 11:17 AM, PDT )

Welcome displaced refugees from Miley’s Twitter account! I know you’re very scared right now. I made you some pie? Yes. Good. Eat.

(8 October 2009 11:10 AM, PDT )

Headline Translated: « Thing you’ve never heard of, as of yet not controversial, at center of controversy » –

(8 October 2009 5:27 AM, PDT )

You wouldn’t understand. RT @EleniT2 You keeps sending tweets THREE times! Why?

(7 October 2009 5:25 AM, PDT )

Dove bar soap is 1/4 moisturizer. That’s why Dove bar soap is allowed to make moisturizer jokes and you’re not.

(7 October 2009 5:18 AM, PDT )

@justinsiegel we play the music from famous games but stop in the middle and hold the last chord out.

(7 October 2009 12:01 AM, PDT )

RT @ben_mayer No. Just set that down there. #ThingsAnInteriorDecoratorMightMumbleInHerSleep

(6 October 2009 11:15 PM, PDT )

I wish « Quequezozoboque » was a word because then I would rule at Scrabble.

(6 October 2009 11:14 PM, PDT )

@justinsiegel I’ve always called it « Nintendo Blow Method. » Also a great band name.

(6 October 2009 9:44 PM, PDT )

@niclake13 You have no idea. Making music can sometimes be the opposite of playing it.

(6 October 2009 9:34 PM, PDT )

OS 7.5. Hyperstack. RT @CAllen626 Now is your brain running snow leopard or leopard?

(6 October 2009 9:28 PM, PDT )

Done mixing the album tomorrow. Going to drag « brain » into the trash. I will regain 12982731 TB of HD space.

(6 October 2009 9:04 PM, PDT )

johncmayer mixing via Nicecast stream… cross country record making.

(6 October 2009 8:55 PM, PDT )

Pardon the pants tweet.

(6 October 2009 2:38 PM, PDT )

Utihrtfy@stpgus sqqqqqqqfxxxxqqqqqqxqqzc rdwwbxwvfcfxwcw bcwccedwBi

(6 October 2009 12:46 PM, PDT )

For anyone interested, there is a Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood Watch meeting this evening at 7pm.

(6 October 2009 12:45 PM, PDT )

My level of multitasking is at an … hold on… hello? Gotta call you back. Yah. No. Yah. Bring it by. Okay. … all time high.

(5 October 2009 2:47 PM, PDT )

Were you climbing off a bunk bed? RT ben_mayer GOOD GOD!! That was rather unpleasant. #iJustSatOnMyBalls(again)

(5 October 2009 2:07 PM, PDT )

The « Words With Friends » app is the new Twitter.

(5 October 2009 12:06 AM, PDT )

What a Sunday. I’ve just been a dopey kid in sweatpants all day. Tomorrow I return to adult mode. Tonight? Animation domination.

(4 October 2009 9:30 PM, PDT )

Recording complete.

(3 October 2009 10:49 PM, PDT )

Why is it that whenever I fart outside, the wind suddenly stops blowing? #alienatingbuttrue

(3 October 2009 5:04 PM, PDT )

« We will saunter north! » – Col. Karl Bnutt, 1867

(3 October 2009 1:44 PM, PDT )

« Don’t ask, don’t tell, but don’t leave a question in their minds. » – Col. Karl Bnutt, 1866

(3 October 2009 1:41 PM, PDT )

« We will meet the enemy where they lay, and we will lay beside them. » – Col. Karl Bnutt, 1867

(3 October 2009 1:38 PM, PDT )

@bobmaron – Yummerz indeed! That looks so tasteee!!! Save some for me, okay! 🙂 LOL XO

(3 October 2009 1:33 PM, PDT )

If you’re a designer, the myPANTONE app for iPhone is ridiculous.

(1 October 2009 9:49 PM, PDT )

Track listing on Battle Studies is complete! Very interesting order… 11 songs. 45 minutes. Hit ’em hard and get out.

(1 October 2009 6:07 PM, PDT )

Ah, Marisa, 4/22/05. Yes, she checks out. I have her necklace. RT @rachelchaiet 7GVY9W413Q

(1 October 2009 3:07 PM, PDT )

Ask for the confirmation no. given at time of sex. RT @rachelchaiet my friend insists she hooked up with you and guess what? I BELIEVE HER

(1 October 2009 3:04 PM, PDT )

Prepare Triscuits with a small slice of cheese and some garnish. #BucketListLite

(1 October 2009 2:54 PM, PDT )

Y’ever pull onto the highway, and then make a big fuss about moving over a lane only to find the two merge? Makes a fool out of ya.

(1 October 2009 2:50 PM, PDT )

This is the cutest tweet ever. Hi. RT @Kruleheart Eatin lunch by myself, but listening to @johncmayer, so i dont feel alone.

(1 October 2009 1:47 PM, PDT )

What a day. Finalizing track list, album artwork, final video edit being printed… Calgon, take me away!!!

(1 October 2009 1:46 PM, PDT )

I’m bringing the whole Verizon network to that play. RT @famemensmag Dont take a cell phone to that play!!!! Im dying to see it

(30 September 2009 11:23 PM, PDT )

I’ll tell that to Nas at our lacrosse game tomorrow.RT @flashydanerdboy is the only white guy that has black people trying to act white

(30 September 2009 11:17 PM, PDT )

I was thinking about H.Jackman and D.Craig. RT @andrewjamestx what broadway play did you just leave that was worthy of this thought?

(30 September 2009 11:14 PM, PDT )

I think all Broadway plays should score their curtain calls with the last chorus of « Like a Prayer ».

(30 September 2009 11:10 PM, PDT )

LOL. I get your sarcastic tone. RT @johncmayer really shit

(30 September 2009 11:06 PM, PDT )

I’m at that point where I think to myself, either this album is really great or really shit. Either way I’ll be too busy to know it.

(30 September 2009 11:01 PM, PDT )

I just took a « Did I Just Meet Jodeci? » quiz on Dr. Oz’s website. I scored a 53 percent possibility. I am not sated.

(30 September 2009 2:05 PM, PDT )

Yes, but by that measure I must always be meeting Jodeci. RT @nannypanny are you starting to feel all tingly inside?

(30 September 2009 1:55 PM, PDT )

What are some tell-tale signs that one might be meeting Jodeci?

(30 September 2009 1:50 PM, PDT )

I met a singing group in the kitchen at the studio. I think it may have been Jodeci but I can’t be sure.

(30 September 2009 1:49 PM, PDT )

I’m with brown rice and chicken now. Not as hot, but it was there for me. And it wants me. And that means something right now.

(29 September 2009 11:54 PM, PDT )

In with brown rice and chicken now. Not as hot, but it was there for me. And it wants me. And that means something right now.

(29 September 2009 11:53 PM, PDT )

Dear Carl’s Jr, I told myself that if I saw you on my drive I would do you. I would do you hard. But you didn’t show.

(29 September 2009 11:49 PM, PDT )

@aplusk thank you. I think it’s going to trend soon.

(29 September 2009 11:45 PM, PDT )

@mindykaling you’d be surprised. Turning me down is the new sleeping with me.

(29 September 2009 1:31 PM, PDT )

@mindykaling I love it. A mass 2am « you up? »

(29 September 2009 1:24 PM, PDT )

@peeweeherman ha! A mere tip of the hat.

(29 September 2009 1:23 PM, PDT )

True endurance doesn’t begin until the moment you find carrying on to be completly unfathomable.

(29 September 2009 1:20 PM, PDT )

@peeweeherman I don’t have to try it, Pee Wee…. I lived it.

(29 September 2009 12:27 PM, PDT )

It’s only after I have a bit to drink that I want to turn all the lights off in my house and do room clearing drills.

(29 September 2009 2:52 AM, PDT )

Pulling an all-nighter finishing album art. Every deadline is hitting at the same time. This is what you get when you take it all on.

(29 September 2009 2:36 AM, PDT )

Ha. Totally. #ThingsYouSayOnAFirstDateWhenYouHaveToTakeANervousCrapButNeedToFinishTheConversationOut

(29 September 2009 12:48 AM, PDT )

Glad « Hov » is such a cool name. I don’t think « Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is CHARLES! » would work as well.

(29 September 2009 12:13 AM, PDT )

« True Love Shines Through The Frowns of the Hopeless. » #SoundsLikeAFamousQuoteButMakesNoSense

(28 September 2009 8:26 PM, PDT )

« *please* stay slightly offputting!! » RT @maxsmama77 and every fan hopes this doesn’t happen to their favorite underground artist 🙂

(28 September 2009 11:02 AM, PDT )

Otherwise you’d be able to shake your favorite artist’s hand and say « hey, thanks for never making something everyone liked! »

(28 September 2009 10:57 AM, PDT )

Every artist in the world secretly wishes their songs would get played too much.

(28 September 2009 10:56 AM, PDT )

« Use Somebody » by Kings of Leon is played on the radio entirely too much. From someone who’s been there, CONGRATULATIONS KINGS OF LEON!

(28 September 2009 10:51 AM, PDT )

Posing strong with four of San Fran’s finest.

(26 September 2009 5:20 PM, PDT )

@DavidRicottone I believe it was Leon Redbone.

(26 September 2009 4:42 PM, PDT )

Challenge Coin! Yes. I’m sorry. Bad me. Challenge Coin. RT @jcieczka its caled a challenge coin

(25 September 2009 11:09 PM, PDT ) check out the amazing work done by the Veterans Health Research Institute

(25 September 2009 11:04 PM, PDT )

…if you’re a returning veteran, come by and say hello. I’ll trade you a guitar pick for a competition coin.

(25 September 2009 11:03 PM, PDT )

I’ll be at the Presidio in San Francisco tomorrow to visit with returning combat veterans of Operations Iraqi/Enduring Freedom

(25 September 2009 11:02 PM, PDT )

User Note: « Who Says » sounds best between the hours of 8pm-3am on Friday and Saturday nights.

(25 September 2009 8:15 PM, PDT ) Here it is! « Who Says, » the first single from Battle Studies. From my heart to yours.

(24 September 2009 11:51 PM, PDT ) Here it is! « Who Says, » the first single from Battle Studies. From my heart to yours.

(24 September 2009 11:48 PM, PDT )

It takes so long to say goodbye to everyone at a party, I start my farewells the moment I walk in.

(24 September 2009 9:53 PM, PDT )

My manager looks like the Marlboro Man if the Marlboro Man had a library card.

(24 September 2009 4:57 PM, PDT )

What’s the secret to my success? Get yourself a gorgeous manager. The label will be too busy swooning to say no to anything.

(24 September 2009 4:56 PM, PDT )

Happy 40th Birthday to my manager Michael. Where would I be without you? Oh, that’s right, 20 percent richer. My bad. 🙂 XO

(24 September 2009 4:47 PM, PDT )

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon just called. Ph levels in the Nile are dangerously high. I’m getting on a plane to fix this.

(24 September 2009 1:06 PM, PDT )

Is it strange that I have Danny Elfman’s score to « Pee Wee’s Big Adventure » stuck in my head?

(24 September 2009 10:58 AM, PDT )

To anyone out there who’s completely stressed out and running on fumes, hang in there!!! I’m feeling it with you.

(23 September 2009 3:06 PM, PDT )

Mackenzie Phillips?! I thought you said Spuds Mackenzie! Phew.

(23 September 2009 1:20 PM, PDT )

Meeting with NASA today 2 share my thoughts on how 2 reduce re-entry heat conduction by at least 12 degrees. What are u up 2 today?

(22 September 2009 1:41 PM, PDT )

Meeting with NASA today to share my thoughts on how to reduce re-entry heat conduction by at least 12 degrees. What are u up to today?

(22 September 2009 1:39 PM, PDT )

@elvisduran loving you guys too. You’ve got a hint of d-baggery but you’re fun!

(22 September 2009 5:58 AM, PDT )

@elvisduran Elvis, we’re laying in the same bed. Stop being cute.

(22 September 2009 1:20 AM, PDT )

@BoBushnell great fake!

(22 September 2009 1:06 AM, PDT )

This is interesting! RT @noliebro If Obama walks out next speech with so much as a Swatch on, I wont pay my taxes, its that serious.

(22 September 2009 12:51 AM, PDT )

@DinaHary Yes. I was almost going to tweet that… But I think it has to do with more than the watch.

(22 September 2009 12:47 AM, PDT )

@spencejo I know he would, I just don’t understand why. I mean, I do, but I don’t agree. Verdict: He’s smart not to wear one.

(22 September 2009 12:46 AM, PDT )

@saudiqueenbee Yes! leave an extra link in for that sexy « off the wrist » look.

(22 September 2009 12:43 AM, PDT )

@cchasebh Rolex 6263 black dial is the single best vintage sports timepiece ever.

(22 September 2009 12:42 AM, PDT )

@conormichael You’ll want to go for something at least 40mm and above. IWC and Panerai both offer watches well into the 40mm range.

(22 September 2009 12:39 AM, PDT )

@BoBushnell LOL. Let’s not get crazy here. But what series? 1-4?

(22 September 2009 12:37 AM, PDT )

@DamianAlex the luxury watch has come to be known as a sign of ostentation. Luxury suits, however, seem to be glanced over.

(22 September 2009 12:32 AM, PDT )

@rob_bebop that reference number does not exist, sir. 116528?

(22 September 2009 12:30 AM, PDT )

I know it’s meant to help connect with the people, but the president should be able to wear a nice watch. He seems like a Rolex 116520 man.

(22 September 2009 12:23 AM, PDT )

@rebeccarose2004 ha!

(22 September 2009 12:19 AM, PDT )

@jennywitham So funny… I made this reference about 2 days ago in regards to something else.

(22 September 2009 12:16 AM, PDT )

My publicist has already sent a list of prohibited topics: matrix mechanics, the 1892 NL pennant race, and the ending to Iron Eagle.

(22 September 2009 12:08 AM, PDT )

I have a radio interview at 8:30am. I think I’m going to wake up at 7 so I can practice not swearing for 90 minutes.

(22 September 2009 12:01 AM, PDT )

Obama’s on Letterman. This man is so presidential I feel underdressed for watching TV.

(21 September 2009 9:19 PM, PDT )

Finished lyrics to « Assassin » today. Only took 2 years.

(21 September 2009 6:18 PM, PDT )

Headline misread: « Studio Chairman Dick Cook Out At Disney »

(20 September 2009 2:32 PM, PDT )

« Sprocket is showing signs of adult-onset hip dysplasia. It’s common in us Goldens. I smell chicken. Do you have any chicken? »

(19 September 2009 6:15 PM, PDT )

A cat taking another cat’s blood pressure.

(19 September 2009 6:09 PM, PDT )

What if when you took an animal to the vet, the vet was the same species as the animal you were taking?

(19 September 2009 6:09 PM, PDT )

Looking back on it now, « Electric Youth » is pretty badass album title.

(19 September 2009 3:27 PM, PDT )

Like. RT @novelized 26 down is « insipid. »

(19 September 2009 1:11 AM, PDT )

What do I do at 4am on a Friday Night in NYC? New York Times crossword puzzle face-offs with @bobmaron. 100 bucks on this one.

(19 September 2009 1:09 AM, PDT )

When we get back to my apt, we don’t put on CDs or satellite… We put on the Jay-Z 9/11 show. Best music you’ll ever get for free.

(18 September 2009 11:12 PM, PDT )

I would never tweet about something in hopes of getting it for free, but I really love the Toto Washlet. The TOTO WASHLET. By TOTO.

(18 September 2009 8:31 PM, PDT ) I want so bad to play the single for you but I still have to wait. So here’s the single art in good faith

(18 September 2009 6:22 PM, PDT )

RT @ben_mayer So then I’m assuming you’re not going Solo? **rimshot** I thankya.

(18 September 2009 10:45 AM, PDT )

Going to a party tonight for Vanity Fair. (Not the magazine, the napkins.)

(18 September 2009 10:26 AM, PDT )

I get what you’re trying to prove, online checkout, but putting « USA » all the way at the end of the list of countries achieves nothing.

(18 September 2009 3:07 AM, PDT )

I’ll drop 10k every once in a while on ridiculous shit to play with. But you know what? It ain’t drugs. The end.

(17 September 2009 4:01 PM, PDT )

Messing with the new Canon 5D mk II. It’s making me happy and helping me find inner peace. A bargain at any price.

(17 September 2009 3:52 PM, PDT )

Even though you can multiply a song or album or photograph by the power of a million, you cannot multiply your humanity by even 1.00002.

(17 September 2009 3:49 PM, PDT )

Watch me destroy @robdyrdek‘s otherwise spotless reputation, on Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory, tonight on MTV.

(17 September 2009 12:16 PM, PDT )

Before Xanax, before Ambien, there was Cap’n Crunch. Over the counter. Safe. Non-habit forming. Scratchy.

(17 September 2009 3:09 AM, PDT )

Thanks! I’ll let black America know. RT @AlonzoJewels do that sh*t my n***a ur an honorary n***a because u help me get sex in g*rls v*****s

(17 September 2009 2:40 AM, PDT )

I’m going to start a site for Foodies called

(17 September 2009 2:34 AM, PDT )

I believe it starred Leonard DiPraccio.

(17 September 2009 2:33 AM, PDT )

Was there already an « Oregon Trail » movie or did I dream it?

(17 September 2009 2:30 AM, PDT )

I’m so tired I think I get The Doors.

(16 September 2009 11:09 PM, PDT )

I love downtown NYC. All these young people being themselves in exactly the same way.

(16 September 2009 8:23 PM, PDT )

I’m so tired I swear I just saw a unicorn stitching up its own head wound.

(16 September 2009 8:10 PM, PDT )

Some toilets you flush and the water level comes up like « ohp, Gonna overflow! » and then down like « Nah, I’m just messing with you. Flush. »

(16 September 2009 6:46 PM, PDT )

Crappy pop music sounds better in New York City.

(16 September 2009 2:38 PM, PDT )

Just woke up from a dream with a new song melody in my head. It sounds like a classic McCartney/CareBear composition.

(16 September 2009 12:37 PM, PDT )

If you happen to be hanging out on top of the Brooklyn Bridge right now, by all means, please come and give a hellozie dozie!!

(16 September 2009 2:43 AM, PDT )

Factazoid: over 65 percent of all pancakes are mistakenly referenced as flapjacks.

(16 September 2009 1:42 AM, PDT )

Still rocking it. Filming in a cab. The shots are staged but the stench is oh so real.

(16 September 2009 12:42 AM, PDT )

I knew you would come to my aid!! I am but a vessel for your essence!! RT@greateaglespirit « I have heard your call, my son. Endure.

(15 September 2009 11:19 PM, PDT )

I’m so spent that even doing nothing seems like it would be a chore right now. On fumes. I call upon the eagle spirit!!!

(15 September 2009 11:14 PM, PDT )

Hey, @petewentz when you begin a tweet with a name it goes only to them and those who follow. Please tell everyone how rad I am.

(15 September 2009 8:22 PM, PDT )

Can I just tell you how beyond tired I am? No? Shut my mouth, Mr. Perfect Life? You got it. Sorry about that. Back to work then!!

(15 September 2009 8:20 PM, PDT )

I’m twittering in my video right now. When you see me, this is what I was writing.

(15 September 2009 5:59 PM, PDT )

Taylor Swift is a self-proclaimed genius visionary that has changed the face of hip hop forever.

(14 September 2009 9:44 PM, PDT )

Just did a full 45 minutes at Comedy Cellar with help from @jamessmithcomic. Who says I can’t? Let’s keep raging.

(14 September 2009 9:42 PM, PDT )

Shooting a video for one song and checking mixes of another during breaks. Perhaps @iamdiddy can offer some words of motivation.

(14 September 2009 7:35 PM, PDT )

Shooting the video for « Who Says »… It’s going to get crazy on purpose.

(14 September 2009 2:18 PM, PDT )

Big love to my girl @taylorswift13. A class act.

(13 September 2009 8:03 PM, PDT )

Im so geographically confused, I asked @iamdiddy backstage at the garden how long he was in LA for.

(11 September 2009 9:39 PM, PDT )

Jay-Z is better at soundcheck than most artists are during their show.

(11 September 2009 7:50 PM, PDT )

Tonight was insane. Playing at MSG with HOV. All that crazy press should have killed me twice over, but I’ve got this guitar, see?

(11 September 2009 7:47 PM, PDT )

Shakira’s new song has got me. I’m in. I feel as if I’m being seduced by a robot with the newly aquired ability to feel emotions.

(11 September 2009 3:58 PM, PDT )


(11 September 2009 3:38 PM, PDT )

« She wears short skirts, I hear voices/she’s team captain and I make necklaces out of animal teeth »

(11 September 2009 1:43 AM, PDT )

I think it would be funny if « You Belong With Me » wasn’t a triumphant tale and the girl singing was actually a total freak.

(11 September 2009 1:39 AM, PDT )

Mayor Wilson knows the meaning of hard work. He began as a janitor in a soda shoppe and ascended to high office in Hill Valley.

(11 September 2009 1:21 AM, PDT )

I believe Joe Wilson’s seat would have been better filled by Mayor Goldie Wilson. I know he would have respected the office.

(11 September 2009 1:16 AM, PDT )

Joe Wilson’s face looks like he’s hanging upside down, yet he stands right-side up. I don’t understand this.

(11 September 2009 1:13 AM, PDT )

Can everyone in the greater Manhattan area please get off their AT&T iPhones, please? I need to make a call. Thanks.

(10 September 2009 2:45 PM, PDT )

@koreantomcruise in-flight #spearfishing is one of life’s simple pleasures.

(9 September 2009 9:02 PM, PDT )

I have never Bensoned her Hedges, nor have I attempted to Bartle her James.

(9 September 2009 6:21 PM, PDT )

My Milli has never slam danced with her Vanilli.

(9 September 2009 6:19 PM, PDT )

I’m sure she’s a wonderful gal but we have never tasted the Skittles Rainbow together.

(9 September 2009 6:18 PM, PDT )

Rumor control: How do I put this like a gentleman…I have never high fived Kristin Cavalari with my penis.

(9 September 2009 6:17 PM, PDT )

I just passed Katy Kurrenk outside the CBS building. She was rifling through the trash for her retainer.

(9 September 2009 6:12 PM, PDT )

Like a beautiful Kenyan man breaking the ribbon.

(9 September 2009 5:16 PM, PDT )

Gratitude attack!!! Listening to the mastered single, the first to pass the finish line. No chafed nips.

(9 September 2009 5:15 PM, PDT )

I don’t care what you say, if they have sparklers in this « lounge » you took me to, we’re in a club.

(8 September 2009 10:28 PM, PDT )

« one thing about me, I’m really all about my family. » Really? Because I like to choke everyone out at Thanksgiving. You. Are. A. Gem.

(8 September 2009 9:53 PM, PDT )

Rule of law: if you tell me within two minutes of meeting me that you are « real, » you are in fact not. But neat dress.

(8 September 2009 9:49 PM, PDT )

I landed in New York on the week it most resembles LA. Grrrrrreat.

(8 September 2009 9:37 PM, PDT )

It’s Fashion Week in NYC. Where are all the Talbot’s models hanging out?

(8 September 2009 9:15 PM, PDT )

Everything in neverending moderation.

(8 September 2009 8:36 PM, PDT )

And skits. Lots and lots of skits.

(8 September 2009 5:17 PM, PDT )

Half the songs are out of tune and there is faint yet audible sobbing on some of the tracks.

(8 September 2009 5:14 PM, PDT )

I’m going to buck the trend of artists’ pumping up hype for their album and say that Battle Studies is a diary of a lost, washed up man.

(8 September 2009 5:10 PM, PDT )

He wrote « Nobody cares, I took down a heroin processing plant 2 days ago, nothing! I hear more about you on the news » – now you know.

(8 September 2009 4:34 PM, PDT )

Just want to remind you the war is still happening. That is all.

(8 September 2009 4:30 PM, PDT )

A friend of mine who is a Marine captain texted me last night after an IED went off at his base. Marines were killed

(8 September 2009 4:30 PM, PDT )

Do I keep strange hours?, no. I wouldn’t say that. I’m just keeping my body clock prepared for that trip to Reykjavik.

(8 September 2009 11:13 AM, PDT )

So true yet so pointless. Hmm. (leans, farts, continues with pie) RT @Kimbana bad dreams are better than waking up and not been able to move

(8 September 2009 3:23 AM, PDT )

And you know the bad ones come with their own protection program. Explain it to others and you’ll sound like a simp.

(8 September 2009 3:17 AM, PDT )

Waiting for the bad dream fog to lift so I can get back to sleep without another seemingly endless array of terrible things.

(8 September 2009 3:16 AM, PDT )

Follow one of the greatest artists around, and an all-around awesome gal @tylershmidt13.

(7 September 2009 10:32 PM, PDT )

The unfunniest Terry I’ve ever written: New York, the greatest city in the world.

(7 September 2009 9:18 PM, PDT )

@aliciakeys I have to check it out. I have come into sone oddball gear as well lately. (n/K.)

(7 September 2009 7:50 PM, PDT )

@aliciakeys I’ll include a « j/k » for you. 🙂 #JK,AK

(7 September 2009 7:14 PM, PDT )

These two really ignite the screen. I’ve seen the dailies, and for a home siding salesman and a rabbi, the acting is pretty good.

(7 September 2009 7:09 PM, PDT )

I’m producing a movie starring Paul Noonam and Jacques Nichelstein. I’m very excited about it.

(7 September 2009 7:03 PM, PDT )

@EL1332 sound thinking. Yes!

(7 September 2009 2:16 PM, PDT )

Love this! Ha. The Bourne To-Do RT @vaguelymegan @johncmayer Oh, I love him! Wasn’t he in The Bourne Compromise?

(7 September 2009 2:10 PM, PDT )

I think the more someone resembles a celeb the closer the name. A man who looks only a little like George Clooney = Greg Claxton.

(7 September 2009 2:08 PM, PDT )

Max Damon is sitting in the booth across from me at IHOP.

(7 September 2009 2:05 PM, PDT )

Analogy: 1. A thing that is comparable to something else in significant respects. 2. The study of the butt’s hole and neighboring muscles.

(7 September 2009 1:56 PM, PDT )

Labor Day is fine, but it’s Parts Day they screw you on.

(7 September 2009 1:55 PM, PDT )

Labor Day is fine, buy it’s Parts Day they screw you on.

(7 September 2009 1:06 PM, PDT )

Wish I could tweet more location-specific stuff, but oh well. Now that I’m done, thanks Capitol Studios!

(7 September 2009 11:31 AM, PDT )

Is 36 tracks of guitar on one song too many? Yes? Well then let’s keep stacking!!

(7 September 2009 2:45 AM, PDT )

I just ran into Thom Henks. Really sweet guy. Visiting from Toronto.

(6 September 2009 6:18 PM, PDT )

Robert Donner, Sr.

(6 September 2009 2:10 PM, PDT )

You know what I mean? The dude who knows he looks close enough to fool people for a second? Orlando Froome, for instance.

(6 September 2009 1:59 PM, PDT )

My favorite thing about LA is the almost-celebrities. I think I just saw Brad Pratt.

(6 September 2009 1:58 PM, PDT )

On a scale of 1-6, with 5 being a 2, how confusing am I?

(6 September 2009 1:54 PM, PDT )

I’m a little hung over. Don’t get me wrong, I could still save Nakatomi Plaza if I had to.

(6 September 2009 12:44 PM, PDT )

I don’t mean to get all astronomical, but I think Mercury is in Gatorade. #stealingjordanrubinsjokes

(6 September 2009 12:26 PM, PDT )

@jordanrubin get out of my house.

(6 September 2009 6:17 AM, PDT )

Concurrently shooting both TV’s « Family Ties » as well as the hit film must not have been easy.

(5 September 2009 11:11 PM, PDT )

Whenever I get really tired, I look to the Herculean effort put forth by Michael J Fox in 1985 during filming of ‘Back to The Future.’

(5 September 2009 11:10 PM, PDT )

Bitterness only makes a bit out of ter and ness. RT @byanezc your jokesn tend to be witty but this one is a miss

(5 September 2009 7:39 PM, PDT )

Jealousy only makes a jea out of Lou and Sy.

(5 September 2009 7:36 PM, PDT )

Misunderstanding only makes a mis out of und and erstanding.

(5 September 2009 7:26 PM, PDT )

Putting three green check marks on the big board today… Knocking these songs off one by one. Bittersweet.

(4 September 2009 8:18 PM, PDT )

@BobMaron wish I could be there, but I’d be the nervous, unfun one. Have a margarita for me.

(4 September 2009 7:10 PM, PDT )

I wish I lived in an ’80s movie. Then I could talk about my love life while playing racquetball with a friend.

(4 September 2009 4:15 PM, PDT )

I a soon to introduce the « I Am John Mayer » app. It will feature a masturbation log and a random pretentious musing generator.

(4 September 2009 11:37 AM, PDT )

Whenever I get the password to my iPhone wrong more than twice in a row, I’m forced to ask the question: am I really me???

(4 September 2009 2:44 AM, PDT )

Re: time travel, the US government knows it exists. This is why they changed the way bills look, to render them worthless pre-’90s.

(4 September 2009 2:25 AM, PDT )

Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression? My unborn baby is stealing my seratonin.

(4 September 2009 2:18 AM, PDT )

This is always the hardest part of a record. Like doubling down on 11 against a dealer’s 20 and taking the card face down.

(4 September 2009 2:16 AM, PDT )

Big laugh. RT @peachcribber sometimes i dont understand your humor or your jokes but i laugh anyways in hopes to gain your approval

(3 September 2009 2:31 PM, PDT )

I wonder if The Beatles are pissed that their new albums have leaked. 40 years ago.

(3 September 2009 2:25 PM, PDT )

What do you know about this new band coming out called The Beatles? They seem to have a lot of label support.

(3 September 2009 2:25 PM, PDT )

I used to be the little engine that could. Now I’m the big engine that better. #adulthood

(3 September 2009 1:18 AM, PDT )

If you ever find yourself writing a song, don’t ever corner yourself into looking for a rhyme to « desire. » All the options are suck.

(2 September 2009 9:14 PM, PDT )

Vietnamese taint butter.

(2 September 2009 6:39 PM, PDT )

pants salt.

(2 September 2009 6:38 PM, PDT )

Horse sebum.

(2 September 2009 6:37 PM, PDT )

Fist sweat.

(2 September 2009 6:35 PM, PDT )

Everybody markets « essential oils. » What about non-essential oils? Oils you don’t really need. Like lampshade. Not necessary.

(2 September 2009 6:32 PM, PDT )

Creepy enough that @robdyrdek owns a RealDoll, but leaving it in the parking lot takes it to new heights.

(2 September 2009 4:06 PM, PDT )

Best record of the year goes to Mayer Hawthorne. (yes, I know.) New album on iTunes. To preview it is to buy it. Holy shnikes.

(1 September 2009 4:24 PM, PDT )

ROFLMAOSMOC RT @timmcglone If you are lucky, you can find a nice spot on the street to park your Cutlass Supreme.

(31 August 2009 5:47 PM, PDT )

I like to go to Wildwood NJ, get a nice piece of scrod, throw on a windbreaker and ride the tram car for a few hours.

(31 August 2009 5:40 PM, PDT )

Know what I really miss? Scrod. Now there was a fish.

(31 August 2009 5:34 PM, PDT )

All this new fancy seafood. Halibut. Talapia. What ever happened to a nice piece of cod?

(31 August 2009 5:24 PM, PDT )

The funny thing about breast implants is that everyone who’s ever gotten them had to say out loud « getting some fake boobs tomorrow. »

(31 August 2009 5:20 PM, PDT )

I try to get against fake boobs as much as possible. RT @Staceyposh Hi are you for or against fake boobs?

(31 August 2009 11:58 AM, PDT )

I read somewhere she was self conscious about her pancake breasts. Holllla!! RT @simpson_cm I believe the answer is aunt jemima

(31 August 2009 11:55 AM, PDT )

My salutations to her!! RT @mdesilver my grandmother

(31 August 2009 11:52 AM, PDT )

I’m sorry to be crass, but I have been wondering this for a week now: who has fake tits serial number A000001??

(31 August 2009 11:50 AM, PDT )

Been reading the message boards re: the new single. Dear skeptics – I feed off of your uneasiness. « Who Says » IS the first single.

(31 August 2009 12:52 AM, PDT )

Entering art design phase for the record. Maybe my favorite part. When I’m not recording I’m in full-on Adobe CS4 bliss.

(31 August 2009 12:50 AM, PDT ) HERE WE GO!!!

(30 August 2009 3:36 AM, PDT )

Does anybody wanna hear some late night radio?

(30 August 2009 3:29 AM, PDT )

What makes me a rockstar, you ask? I go out, tie a few on, and then return home to hit the NYT Sunday puzzle. Let’s DO THIS!!!!!

(30 August 2009 3:26 AM, PDT )

My tribute to AM? I’m going out tonight without a watch. He’d know how huge that was.

(29 August 2009 6:52 PM, PDT )

I want to give a TED speech on the pretentiousness of recommeding TED speeches to people.

(29 August 2009 4:24 PM, PDT )

« what is it that drives a higly motivated overacheiver to look at his own potential destruction as excitement and as a potential release? »

(29 August 2009 3:25 PM, PDT )

If you want to go insane for days on end, write a tune that has 3 lines missing. It’s a crossword puzzle with no answer in tomorrow’s paper.

(29 August 2009 3:07 PM, PDT )

A weekend of songwriting homework. Being a writer is one of the most masochistic endeavors. I love to hate it.

(29 August 2009 3:06 PM, PDT )

We’re supposed to lose our friends to time, at an age when we’re ready to agree to the terms of having lived a long life. Not now.

(28 August 2009 5:32 PM, PDT )

I really want to use words right now but I can’t get em. Fuck.

(28 August 2009 4:58 PM, PDT )

In complete shock.

(28 August 2009 4:41 PM, PDT )

Join me next week when I’ll be starting brush fires along the 101 to support my new program « Hats for the Hydrocephalic. »

(28 August 2009 11:43 AM, PDT )

All I needed to see was in TMZ’s initial post: « We’ve searched all over the place, and we can’t find squat. »

(28 August 2009 10:41 AM, PDT ) The proof.

(28 August 2009 10:38 AM, PDT )

That last tweet is protected from being obscene by the fact that it makes zero sense.

(28 August 2009 2:41 AM, PDT )

You were born on the day someone turned my butt into a lap! RT @erinyaeger you were arrested on my birthday!

(28 August 2009 2:41 AM, PDT )

I love this new voice command feature on the iPhone. Now all I have to do is say « call ‘My Buddy’ doll – treehouse. »

(28 August 2009 1:45 AM, PDT )

Challenge: I was married for 4 years to a member of the Moody Blues. Produce the certificate and I’ll buy you one chicken tender.

(28 August 2009 1:36 AM, PDT )

Adding songs to the « done pile » one after another. Bittersweet. The end of my experience is the beginning of yours.

(27 August 2009 10:43 PM, PDT )

per @harveylevintmz, 25k to be split between two charities: Pet Orphans ( and Ace of Hearts (

(27 August 2009 2:29 PM, PDT ) Well done, TMZ. But the real winners today are the puppies. Proof of payment on the way

(27 August 2009 2:10 PM, PDT )

@HarveyLevinTMZ Hint: in the first half of the naughts, in the home of the Brave.

(27 August 2009 11:30 AM, PDT )

I think the scanner is broken.

(27 August 2009 2:23 AM, PDT )

Who else is in? Harvey is Freedom of Information Act King. RT @jasonelia @johncmayer I’ll match 1% of your donation if he can.

(26 August 2009 11:25 PM, PDT )

Tremendous reply. RT @frenchs Wait, didn’t you get arrested for attempting to solicit a Canine police officer?

(26 August 2009 11:12 PM, PDT )

Challenge: if Harvey Levin at TMZ can produce my mugshot, I will donate 25k to the charity of his choice.

(26 August 2009 11:04 PM, PDT )

I was arrested for the same offense as Patrick Stump. (FTA). It’s the lamest answer to the question « why you in here? »

(26 August 2009 11:03 PM, PDT ) Look around you.

(26 August 2009 3:06 PM, PDT )

Winner. RT @bethlynharvey look around you… have you worked out what we are looking for?!

(26 August 2009 3:03 PM, PDT )

I just ate too much Garry Gum. Does anybody have any anti-Garry gum?

(26 August 2009 2:46 PM, PDT )

@harleypasternak back on now. Bacon cheddar scramble and a Fuze.

(25 August 2009 11:59 AM, PDT )

Dear Diary – Today I tied my penis in a knot on a dare. I think I like a boy. #fuckingwithmymanager

(25 August 2009 2:51 AM, PDT )

The back of the box would have you suggest you can’t microwave these little shits. But let me assure you, you can.

(25 August 2009 2:38 AM, PDT )

Smucker’s Uncrustables peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are to be thawed and not microwaved. But I’m high now!

(25 August 2009 2:35 AM, PDT )

Dear @johnmayersassistant please buy more White Castle microwavable burgers. Thank you.

(25 August 2009 2:25 AM, PDT )

Who says I can’t eat microwavable White Castle burgers?

(25 August 2009 2:19 AM, PDT )

Sometimes when I see an e-mail in the dead of night I think it’s her and she’s changed her mind. But it’s always my X-Box newsletter.

(25 August 2009 2:12 AM, PDT )

Bob says my life is like ‘Silver Spoons’. I told him not to criticize me during our indoor train ride.

(25 August 2009 2:09 AM, PDT )

@taylorswift13 and I’m sorry your career hasn’t panned out but please stop asking for loans. This next check is your last.

(24 August 2009 10:04 PM, PDT )

@taylorswift13 you too. Soon the world shall know of our musical intertwining.

(24 August 2009 10:03 PM, PDT )

@taylorswift13 don’t be so modest! I loved the song you wrote in three seconds called « You’re Amazi. » Beautiful stuff.

(24 August 2009 9:19 PM, PDT ) All you ever need to know in life, in 16 seconds.

(24 August 2009 12:32 PM, PDT )

‘Battle Studies’ will be released on November 17. Single « Who Says » is coming soon… I am going to make some coffee.

(24 August 2009 10:41 AM, PDT )

I’m standing in front of a wall calendar, rubbing the ‘Monday 24’ square with my middle finger in tight circles. That’s how into today I am.

(24 August 2009 10:25 AM, PDT )

Quentin Tarantino presents: Stahr Wours.

(24 August 2009 1:15 AM, PDT )

In my top 10 favorite tweets ever. RT @jordanrubin How come this country’s darkest hours always seem to happen during the day?

(23 August 2009 11:37 PM, PDT )

I was just thinking, it’s so great to be out of schooling. No more people bullying each other, bringing one another dow- oh, wait.

(23 August 2009 10:33 PM, PDT )

The blue Trapper Keeper folder is for history. Yellow will be for math. Red will be health, and green, science.

(23 August 2009 10:13 PM, PDT )

Mom says I can’t wear my new Air Jordans until the first day of school, but I’m walking around the house in them.

(23 August 2009 10:12 PM, PDT )

@koreantomcruise a gentleman shall always leave Las Vegas by sea plane.

(23 August 2009 8:15 PM, PDT )

@justinsiegel I don’t design clothes, I design dreams – Ralph Lauren

(22 August 2009 6:24 PM, PDT )

@taylorswift13 You’re in luck!

(22 August 2009 6:17 PM, PDT )

@justinsiegel My cat’s breath smells like catfood! – Ralph Wiggum

(22 August 2009 6:00 PM, PDT )

@DixieChairet 1. Stay in touch with the vibe of the people 2. Write for yourself 3. Hope for the best.

(22 August 2009 4:03 PM, PDT )

Finally met Slash. I had to keep reminding myself that I’m sort of cool too and that I shouldn’t feel like a gnat. Worked half the time.

(22 August 2009 4:00 PM, PDT )

Sometimes I hear myself say something and I feel like a liar even though it’s true. « Last night I jammed with ZZ Top and Slash. »

(22 August 2009 3:57 PM, PDT )

Listening to ’80s hits. The basslines in these tunes are spectacular. Eternal Flame! Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me is baaad too.

(22 August 2009 3:11 PM, PDT )

It’s not loneliness. It’s called « solitary refinement. » RT @PinkSphynx I don’t understand how someone as famous as you can be so lonely.

(22 August 2009 3:14 AM, PDT )

You can powder coat anything you want. You want a blue wrench? Done!! Green camera lens?! You got it!

(22 August 2009 3:07 AM, PDT )

Yes. I want a light purple input jack on my white strat. RT @lilbuddha04 as in powder coat metal?

(22 August 2009 3:05 AM, PDT )

I really want to learn how to powder coat. I don’t know why 2 million people need to know this.

(22 August 2009 3:02 AM, PDT )

@justinsiegel a gentleman shall only tweet in Gothic font past 1:30 am.

(22 August 2009 1:43 AM, PDT )

This was a blast. I’m a lucky dude. RT @BobMaron House of Blues..! ZZ TOP… JOHN MAYER…. and SLASH..!!! C’mon!!

(22 August 2009 1:41 AM, PDT ) Finishing touches on « Friends, Lovers or Nothing. »

(21 August 2009 5:37 PM, PDT )

RT @Efflandt @johncmayer « Hey carl, so nice to see you! »

(21 August 2009 2:57 PM, PDT )

@beautyonfire I’m going completely from memory. Hence the mistakes. Donkey Kong sucks. You suck!

(21 August 2009 2:56 PM, PDT )

Hey, kids, it’s me! I bet you thought that I was dead! But when I fell I only broke my neck and got a hemorrhage in my head!

(21 August 2009 2:47 PM, PDT )

I like overcast days in LA. Gives it some soul.

(21 August 2009 2:42 PM, PDT )

@ndn_chad call the fire department, this one’s out of control!

(21 August 2009 11:18 AM, PDT )

@ganeyfleming Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?

(21 August 2009 11:18 AM, PDT )

@kristen_taylor I can feel him kick! He’s gonna be a soccer player!

(21 August 2009 11:13 AM, PDT )

@mightybishop No you don’t.

(21 August 2009 11:12 AM, PDT )

Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

(21 August 2009 11:10 AM, PDT )

Mr. Madison – at no time during your rambling, incoherent response did you come close to what could be considered a rational thought.

(21 August 2009 11:09 AM, PDT )

How ’bout you, sideburns, you want some of this milk?

(21 August 2009 11:06 AM, PDT )

I thought I was your snack pack. Want me to take my shirt off for you?

(21 August 2009 11:04 AM, PDT )

Whoa, Miss Lippy – the part of the story I don’t understand is that the little boy gave up looking for the dog after an hour.

(21 August 2009 11:02 AM, PDT )

@AlexJArmstrong Bing!! Ah, the sun tries to hurt me but you won’t let it!!

(21 August 2009 11:01 AM, PDT )

Yes, yes I suppose it is. RT @Kaipehl billy elliott is classic

(21 August 2009 11:00 AM, PDT )

If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis!

(21 August 2009 10:58 AM, PDT )

@mikelharrison You have a great sound! You’ve got all the right stuff. I can hear you trying to advance the form a bit. Very cool!

(21 August 2009 10:56 AM, PDT )

What day is it? There was something I was supposed to do today. *gasp* it’s nudey magazine day! It’s nudey magazine day!

(21 August 2009 10:51 AM, PDT ) sweet dreams, all!!

(21 August 2009 3:44 AM, PDT )

Why are some bottled fruit drinks filled so high that they inevitably splash on you when you open them? I need an acceptable miniscus.

(21 August 2009 3:35 AM, PDT )

The hours in a day aren’t enough to contain the boundless wonder that is drinking. Once you get to 3 drinks it’s gotta be water.

(21 August 2009 2:33 AM, PDT )

Ahh, the iPhone: you can watch a YouTube video in the car, but you can’t write the friend who sent it to say thanks for the link. « lolz. »

(21 August 2009 1:52 AM, PDT )

Sorry I haven’t tweeted today. I got some bad news from my doctor: I have a deviated scrotum.

(20 August 2009 9:52 PM, PDT )

Today I brought my magnet collection to the studio to show off and ended up losing the entire record. Starting over tomorrow.

(20 August 2009 9:52 PM, PDT )

Comedy’s moved from making the audience say « that person has upended my understanding of an idea » to « that person mentioned a thing I know! »

(20 August 2009 1:23 AM, PDT )

Fact: 87 percent of all negative replies sent to me contain the misspelling of the word « you’re. »

(20 August 2009 12:46 AM, PDT )

David Letterman has parlayed his power in the media into something unheard of: the ability to maintain respect for people’s intelligence.

(20 August 2009 12:39 AM, PDT )

Look, I can’t imagine that @Andy__Rooney is a verified account, but I laugh so hard at it that I don’t even care. It’s all in the tone

(20 August 2009 12:04 AM, PDT )

@koreantomcruise this is going to be essential, I can tell. I need a « Silent Scope » game in there. And a Zoltan machine.

(19 August 2009 2:13 PM, PDT )

Geek room seems to be the healthy norm. About a dozen replies called this « The Man Cave. » Too funny.

(19 August 2009 2:02 PM, PDT )

LOL. RT @DoreenLynch ha ha…funny! my husband has his own special room that is known as the « spider hole »….everyones happy!!!

(19 August 2009 1:55 PM, PDT )

?: any married guys out there have their own room in the house that’s just for them to geek out in? Does it fly with the wife?

(19 August 2009 1:51 PM, PDT )

Me: « Well, I should probably get going. » Her: « John, you live here. »

(19 August 2009 1:39 PM, PDT )

I wonder if someday when I’m married I’ll have sex with my wife and then out of habit check to make sure she didn’t steal my watch.

(19 August 2009 1:36 PM, PDT )

Useful: « what could be better? » Useless: « what would have been better? »

(19 August 2009 11:41 AM, PDT )

A slippery slope, those ?s. Can’t wonder. RT @joshmontez do you ever wonder what you missed out on by not having a reg 9-5 job?

(19 August 2009 11:39 AM, PDT )

@lwollance someday my love. Someday the world will let us be.

(18 August 2009 10:16 PM, PDT )

Vintage Sloan Royal 600 valve. Custom gasket by Max Hudson at Preston Logistics.

(18 August 2009 7:38 PM, PDT )

Yes! RT@TROYRAYNOR Yeah, the Sloan 600 rocks! gives a real even tone throughout the flush with none of those fall off gurgles toward the end

(18 August 2009 6:30 PM, PDT )

I had my American Standard 1.6 GPF modified to an 9.4. It’s illegal in about a dozen states.

(18 August 2009 5:03 PM, PDT )

I like to use Kohler urinals. With a Sloan 600 series valve. In toilets I prefer an American Standard with a Bemis lid. But that’s just me.

(18 August 2009 4:43 PM, PDT )

Seems to be the female consensus… RT @belle1019 Can only handle 140 or less characters of info at a time. Definitely male.

(18 August 2009 10:26 AM, PDT )

Buh-zzing!! RT @mumdee because it doesn’t say « What are you wearing? »

(18 August 2009 10:20 AM, PDT )

Come on ladies, why is Twitter a guy? LOL RT @Googlechin Not forgetting that Twitter is always asking « What are you doing? ». Must be female.

(18 August 2009 10:14 AM, PDT )

Millions of « friends » and goes haywire about once a month? A She. RT @arakinskywalker need your thoughts: Is Twitter a he or a she?

(18 August 2009 9:47 AM, PDT )

Let’s prime our subconscious for dreaming, shall we?:

(18 August 2009 2:22 AM, PDT )

Brilliant! The story of my twenties. RT @SmellsLikeRasha i’d rather fall asleep than go to sleep

(18 August 2009 2:02 AM, PDT )

With as much as I dream, I don’t know why I even look forward to sleeping. It’s basically just more wacky shit for another 7 hours.

(18 August 2009 1:58 AM, PDT )

Like Judd Apatow, who I once saw taking hits off a can of air duster at a CAA party.

(18 August 2009 1:12 AM, PDT )

I like to check iTunes every week to see if I’m featured on a celebrity’s playlist. When I’m not, I spread vicious internet lies about them.

(18 August 2009 1:08 AM, PDT )

Deep in vocals for « War of My Life. » The secret weapon is Breathe Right strips!!

(17 August 2009 8:00 PM, PDT )

Does anybody know of a bar in LA that I could get my drink on and play some Tecmo Bowl? #TecmoBowl

(17 August 2009 3:58 PM, PDT )

#4 let’s go people!!!

(17 August 2009 3:51 PM, PDT )

I want to rally the Twitterverse and get the trending topics list to read « #1 » – « #10 » in numerical order. « More sevens!! Retweet!! »

(17 August 2009 11:37 AM, PDT )

Fill in the blanks: I _____ __: ___ « ___ ______ »( _____) ___ __ !!_____ – ____ – ____ ____. ___ a ___ !!!

(17 August 2009 3:38 AM, PDT ) my new discovery. You can’t Photoshop it, e-mail it, or cheat the lens. I want all my memories to look like this.

(17 August 2009 1:41 AM, PDT )

Whoops. RT @my_lilito I want to meet you. It’s my dream because you are so talented and amazing! I’m 15 and you are my platonic love.

(17 August 2009 12:58 AM, PDT )

Be with me. RT @my_lilito I love you! I know you are a womanizer but I don’t care coz your music is great and you are cute cute cute!!

(17 August 2009 12:57 AM, PDT )

We eventually parted. We kept such different hours, what with her job as an attorney and my painting portraits of people in their sleep.

(17 August 2009 12:44 AM, PDT )

I’m so full of myself, every time I read a book I blurt out « wait, can I just tell you my story? »

(17 August 2009 12:38 AM, PDT )

The Las Vegas head-home « I gotta stop doing this » factor: 3.2/10. Looking forward to a quiet evening at home with my Collies.

(16 August 2009 1:28 PM, PDT )

Are those words generated by a website upon registering for an account even real English? « Flibbins – Dointering »

(16 August 2009 9:46 AM, PDT )

Best part of Vegas? Finding a super rare Moon Bass. I’m gonna « sullapah duh bessuh man!!!! »

(16 August 2009 2:41 AM, PDT )

@MARYVMC because it’s an interesting medium. They’re just ideas. They won’t bite you. Well, a polar bear with a jet pack could bite you.

(16 August 2009 2:25 AM, PDT )

What’s the next record going to be like? Super melodic California rock v.2.009. I’ll always love blues but I wanted to up the pop game.

(16 August 2009 2:16 AM, PDT )

This is why I would keep a gun on me. And not just any gun: Springfield Armory’s XD-9 9mm. (ADVERTISEMENT)

(15 August 2009 12:47 PM, PDT )

It would be weird if after 2000 unpluggings, the motor to its arm stopped just before it wrapped that third length of cord around its claw.

(15 August 2009 12:45 PM, PDT )

Where can I see this « Urban America? » RT @MelechT There is a robot like that. It’s called Urban America.

(15 August 2009 12:42 PM, PDT )

I want to see someone program a robot to pull its own plug out of the wall and lose power. I think it would creep people out.

(15 August 2009 12:38 PM, PDT )

Worst idea for a room scent holding strong at ketchup.

(15 August 2009 12:11 PM, PDT )

When you double down on a 12, bust, and then climb over the blackjack table and smack the dealer in the neck, that is flunting. #flunting

(14 August 2009 9:18 PM, PDT )

@mwmurray now that’s flunting!

(14 August 2009 9:17 PM, PDT )

Adventures in misspellings. Im going to flunt it all over town. RT @carolinelogan if you got it flunt it

(14 August 2009 8:46 PM, PDT )

No. But I am sleeping with your wife. RT @don_carlo_4 Are u and Jessica still together my wife wants to know

(14 August 2009 8:45 PM, PDT )

Sometimes the friends, the music, the lighting and the moment all go together and you say to yourself « when we’re 80, this is who we were. »

(14 August 2009 8:25 PM, PDT )

As the sun gets further away, Vegas pulls closer. Have a great weekend.

(14 August 2009 5:38 PM, PDT )

@aplusk Interesting. Sort of inducing ur own viewpoint. Cramming for opinions. Id just sit there and keep saying « you’ve convinced me! »

(14 August 2009 5:20 PM, PDT )

I slept with every woman in the masthead. RT @Kaylinnm « Mayer the player? » ha did you check out the new issue of cosmo 🙂

(14 August 2009 5:17 PM, PDT )

En route to Vegas. How do we party? 100 dollar bets on NYT crossword puzzle races. Rockstar? Oh yah.

(14 August 2009 5:09 PM, PDT )

My gas is so bad today I had to take my temperature.

(14 August 2009 11:34 AM, PDT )

My gas is so bad today it’s going to come up on a Carfax report.

(14 August 2009 11:30 AM, PDT )

I just had the weirdest dream and you were all in it. I mean, it was you, but you had the faces of a different 1,930,256 people.

(14 August 2009 4:45 AM, PDT )

I’ve read your @ Terrys and the answer to spoon/fork is an even split. Seems either will do. Thrilling, I know.

(13 August 2009 9:41 PM, PDT )

Burning question: am I to eat cottage cheese with a fork or a spoon? Please advise.

(13 August 2009 5:36 PM, PDT )

@ben_mayer the one thought that could kill you. Could you be the next to think it? The news is next after CSI: Denver.

(13 August 2009 3:08 PM, PDT )

Pictures of Les Paul all over the studio today. Very special day in here. You should wiki his life. Pretty amazing.

(13 August 2009 2:30 PM, PDT )

I’ll get back to you this time tomorrow. RT @coreyfox11 What if she’s majorly ugly? Can you stare at her long enough to make her cute?

(13 August 2009 1:47 PM, PDT )

If I do that, based on what you know from press, you (very) naturally say « oh HELL no. » RT @IreR then you walk up to her and flirt! 🙂

(13 August 2009 1:44 PM, PDT )

Then we’ve got problems. RT @kimberly821 What about if after 10 mins – she is still Beautiful ,… Then what

(13 August 2009 1:33 PM, PDT )

This is why when I see an attractive girl I just keep staring at her until I convince myself she’s not at all attractive. Crisis averted.

(13 August 2009 1:25 PM, PDT )

In LA, if you see a girl and think she’s cute, chances are good that she has been made aware of it by too many other people to be level.

(13 August 2009 1:24 PM, PDT )

I love to get into my car, hit the open road, and just close my eyes and get lost in the music. And the brush.

(13 August 2009 12:21 PM, PDT )

12:14pm, up and at em! Coffee, jazzercise and then killing a homeless man. What are your plans today?

(13 August 2009 12:17 PM, PDT )

Remembering Les Paul today. Just happened to have his namesake Gibson around my shoulder the last few days.

(13 August 2009 11:31 AM, PDT )

Wrote the word « tweet » in an email and iPhone corrected it as « Terry. » I actually like that as an informal term. « Threw up a Terry today… »

(13 August 2009 11:17 AM, PDT )

It all comes and goes in cycles, and I can’t wait until we exit the « phony shock » cycle.

(13 August 2009 3:02 AM, PDT )

Flipping through channels, all I see is news delivered with feigned conservative shock. « Did ____ go too far? We want to hear from you. »

(13 August 2009 2:55 AM, PDT )

@petewentz hanging with @koreantomcruise… Write me some lyrics I can pen music to someday. It would be a cool experiment.

(13 August 2009 12:14 AM, PDT )

I want to see an action movie where the hero is coaxed from seclusion in the jungle but goes the whole movie with a giant unkempt beard.

(12 August 2009 10:53 PM, PDT )

@tangmarvin you are the only person to have realized this. Yes, inspired by the book.

(12 August 2009 6:53 PM, PDT )

@mamandes4140 freaky. We’re doing it today. Stacking guitar lines like vocals on « Perfectly Lonely. »

(12 August 2009 2:42 PM, PDT )

@crazy22redhead a little bit later, but not by much.

(12 August 2009 2:41 PM, PDT )

@bobblablaw yes. It became « War of My Life. »

(12 August 2009 2:40 PM, PDT )

It’s 102 degrees in the Valley today. But it’s a slutty heat.

(12 August 2009 1:59 PM, PDT )

It’s all in the presentation: Nike’s new Lunarglides. Okay, I’ll run again.

(12 August 2009 12:50 PM, PDT )

Battle Studies track listing is locked! Entering the home stretch: overdubs.

(12 August 2009 12:39 PM, PDT )

JcM OS 3.1.10 loading… please wait… loading « Wednesday »

(12 August 2009 10:12 AM, PDT )

Just updated an iPhone app, details said « fixes a bug that may turn some iPhones sentient, mercilessly haunting you and your loved ones. »

(11 August 2009 6:24 PM, PDT )

Im in all the way. RT @markhoppus Let’s keep it old school #bringbackpluto

(11 August 2009 6:16 PM, PDT )

That was fun. Chelsea bashes me all the time, can’t I bash her one night on my Twitter? Yes. (The answer is yes.)

(10 August 2009 11:37 PM, PDT )

So glad that’s over. I think I’m going to have pink Trivial Pursuit pieces in my stool tomorrow.

(10 August 2009 11:31 PM, PDT )

Funniest person with an adverb in their show title. RT @perezhilton Chelsea Handler is one of the funniest people on the planet. Period.

(10 August 2009 11:30 PM, PDT )

I kid, I kid. We’re just having fun. She has a great crowd tonight. It’s called « laughter.mp3 »

(10 August 2009 11:26 PM, PDT )

Fabolous just said « redicolous. »

(10 August 2009 11:25 PM, PDT )

I think I just heard Chelsea’s chair yawn.

(10 August 2009 11:22 PM, PDT )

So far this show has come through with its promise of lots of exclamation points but zero E.

(10 August 2009 11:21 PM, PDT )

This show is so unfunny it just stripped jokes off of other funny things.

(10 August 2009 11:15 PM, PDT )

Rule #46389: if you say something and hold your face slightly tilted as if to say « I did just say that » then it’s magically funny.

(10 August 2009 11:13 PM, PDT )

I hope I see an ASPCA commercial or something like it. I need something to raise the mood.

(10 August 2009 11:12 PM, PDT )

What does @chelsealately use for a teleprompter, an iPhone?

(10 August 2009 11:09 PM, PDT )

Jupiter instead of Mercury!!! Bad lie because it’s the wrong planet!! Laugh Count zero.

(10 August 2009 11:05 PM, PDT )

What color is her hair? It’s not dirty blond. Filthy blond?

(10 August 2009 11:05 PM, PDT )

Pre-Tape!!! Fun with fast edits.

(10 August 2009 11:02 PM, PDT )

We are on!!!! Here we go!!

(10 August 2009 11:00 PM, PDT )

Ooh, a teaser!!!

(10 August 2009 10:57 PM, PDT )

east coast people who have already seen the telecast, please don’t give away any of her biting satire. I want to not laugh.

(10 August 2009 10:57 PM, PDT )

I happen to have exactly 30 minutes. RT:  » I don’t have time to explain why John Mayer isn’t funny. » via @chelsealately

(10 August 2009 10:52 PM, PDT )

Reminder: Turn on E! in ten minutes (west coast) and I’ll be live tweeting coverage of Chelsea Lately.

(10 August 2009 10:49 PM, PDT )

Sorry about the typos. I always get nervous before a new episode of Chelsea. I hope she brings her A game.

(10 August 2009 10:47 PM, PDT )

(3xtypo) I met Joel McHale at the Tonight Show. Really nice guy. « I just tell’ em, dude » was implied.

(10 August 2009 10:46 PM, PDT )

Pre-gaming with « The Soup. » Joel McHale is funny as hell. The insults are secondary to the writing.

(10 August 2009 10:40 PM, PDT )

To clarify: I will not be appearing on @chelsealately‘s show. I will be watching at home and tweeting my own commentary.

(10 August 2009 2:21 PM, PDT )

Reminder, 11PM PST tune into E! and keep the Twitter nearby. Live @chelsealately play by play.

(10 August 2009 2:05 PM, PDT )

Thank you Troubadour crowd! That was a big fat rock show and I loved every second. Soul recharge complete. XO

(10 August 2009 12:40 AM, PDT )

Join me tomorrow night when I will be live-tweeting during @chelseahandler‘s broadcast. 11pm PST.

(10 August 2009 12:36 AM, PDT )

@jkdelisa spontaneous makes the frame, homework fills it in.

(9 August 2009 9:56 PM, PDT )

I forgot about the club gig bathroom. Grafitti band wars.

(9 August 2009 9:54 PM, PDT )

30 minutes to showtime. Finishing lyrics to « Perfectly Lonely » in the dressing room. I love this game.

(9 August 2009 9:27 PM, PDT )

« 90 minutes is a lot of time to stand in one place. » RT @Barba1 what do you think up right before u take the stage.

(9 August 2009 8:57 PM, PDT )

Not to be crass but every performer must take the stage at their tare weight RT @ThirdGirl What do you do to minimize your pre-show anxiety?

(9 August 2009 8:47 PM, PDT )

Always. You wouldnt want to see someone who doesn’t. I love this game. RT @Kkid333 do you get nervous before a show

(9 August 2009 8:39 PM, PDT )

90 minutes to showtime. Spinning up

(9 August 2009 8:36 PM, PDT )

Just finished sound check. I can’t wait to play again. We’re all warmed up from a week of playing in the studio.

(9 August 2009 6:00 PM, PDT )

@jordanrubin no lie, I was at the club screaming « New York!! » each time the line played.

(9 August 2009 5:59 PM, PDT )

Looking forward to the gig at the Troubadour tonight. I missed the heyday of the LA rock scene but tonight we’re going to rekindle it.

(9 August 2009 3:56 PM, PDT )

Truly. RT @lwollance thanks sweetie! By the way, that was Mesopotamian ham hock. Delicious, right?

(9 August 2009 2:52 PM, PDT )

That was an exceptional night out. Thanks @lwollance. I love a woman with cultural literacy and a palate for exotic bacons.

(9 August 2009 2:44 PM, PDT )

Having a beautiful and mature evening at My House with @robdyrdek.

(9 August 2009 12:20 AM, PDT )

No more squandering my gift on the street for some silly television show. I’m through with the skullduggery.

(8 August 2009 9:54 PM, PDT )

Enjoying caviar with @robdyrdek. Having civilised discussion. And no, I did not misspell civilised. British spelling. That’s okay.

(8 August 2009 9:50 PM, PDT )

This is the greatest @reply ive ever read. RT @heluss You do not give me attention. Why?

(8 August 2009 5:54 PM, PDT )

Tonight we will be going by the rules of something I like to call D.I.G.N.I.T.Y: Dedication, integrity, goodness, no silliness, integr

(8 August 2009 5:44 PM, PDT )

The road to redemption for myself and @robdyrdek begins tonight. Looking forward to the healing.

(8 August 2009 5:35 PM, PDT )

Today, find your inner peace. And your inner tube. It’s in the garage, behind the nativity scene.

(8 August 2009 2:35 PM, PDT )

I like that feeling when I leave my house for the day and wonder what I didn’t bring and how I’m going to make things work without it.

(8 August 2009 2:31 PM, PDT ) had a fanboy moment. Keltner and Jordan.

(8 August 2009 1:42 PM, PDT )

Late night radio coming in hot. Stay tuned, 3ish.

(8 August 2009 2:36 AM, PDT )

@chelsealately final tweet: if you don’t believe there’s room for everybody, then you don’t believe there’s room for yourself. Hate on.

(8 August 2009 12:48 AM, PDT )

@lwollance welcome! I’m glad you saw the light/stupidity. Beautiful profile pic. XOXO

(7 August 2009 9:07 PM, PDT )

The ‘female lead’s girlfriend who dishes out love advice at spin class’ roles in romantic comedies are still hers for the taking.

(7 August 2009 3:35 PM, PDT )

I promise that my wanting to have fun in life and make people laugh will never cut into @chelsealately‘s livelihood.

(7 August 2009 3:31 PM, PDT )

Billy Mays here, for singing nine hours of karaoke and then calling my friends in the middle of the night to let them know Superman 4 is on!

(7 August 2009 3:12 PM, PDT )

Billy Mays here, for fighting a dude in the bathroom and then opening a restaurant with him!

(7 August 2009 3:08 PM, PDT )

I’m reading it for the first time now. Real compelling stuff.

(7 August 2009 1:39 PM, PDT )

Thanks for all your support. The novel I wrote on Ambien last night, « Fondling Hope » will be available November 34, 2009.

(7 August 2009 1:39 PM, PDT )

RT @mindykaling Argh i hate you, fucking iTunes receipt! I always think you’re an email from my boyfriend or someone exciting!

(7 August 2009 11:57 AM, PDT )

@FOX8_Emily I know what you mean, Rue McLanahan.

(7 August 2009 2:44 AM, PDT )

Just took an Ambien. 12-14 more minutes before I begin writing my novel.

(7 August 2009 2:25 AM, PDT )

You ever get that feeling like you can almost predict an earthquake is coming? Yah, me neither. That would be crazy.

(7 August 2009 2:21 AM, PDT )

I hate John Holmes. RT @Said_I_ People hate other for possessing characteristics that remind them of what they don’t like about themselves.

(6 August 2009 7:13 PM, PDT )

@jordanrubin Tinselborough!!

(6 August 2009 7:07 PM, PDT )

If Chelsea Handler wanted to dabble in singing and playing guitar, I’d give her props for it. (I do talk too much though.)

(6 August 2009 6:09 PM, PDT )

« Now, I’m just a musician and comedy is not my forte, so bear with me, but true story, I got into a cab today… »

(6 August 2009 6:01 PM, PDT )

She once told me it was cocky of me to try my hand at comedy. Like I’m supposed to begin every joke with « here’s one that might not work… »

(6 August 2009 5:59 PM, PDT )

I’m trying to figure out why Chelsea Handler has such seething hatred for me. I must remind her of someone she knows and doesn’t like.

(6 August 2009 5:56 PM, PDT )

This guy on the treadmill at the gym gave me a dirty look today. All I did was ask if he minded scooting up so i could run behind him.

(6 August 2009 3:58 PM, PDT )

He will have to shave his « neck mustache » and begin eating solid foods. May I shake his hand?

(6 August 2009 12:50 PM, PDT )

Mr. Carruthers, tell your son via the language you’ve invented that Milwaukee would like to have his arm on our pitching staff.

(6 August 2009 12:50 PM, PDT )

He will have to shave his « neck mustache » and begin eating solid foods. May I shake his hand?

(6 August 2009 12:48 PM, PDT )

What do you use your empty Altoids tins for? I use mine to keep Tic-Tacs in.

(5 August 2009 11:08 PM, PDT )

I’m in that crucial hour of either being able to leave work and meet up with friends or having to miss it. 10-11pm, you saucy slag.

(5 August 2009 10:42 PM, PDT )

By the by, if your reply includes the phrase « no homo, » I will hunt you down and forcibly masturbate you in front of your friends. So stop.

(5 August 2009 7:22 PM, PDT )

Just sent my assistant out for a white tiger. So strange that nobody told me no. It must be because it’s a great idea.

(5 August 2009 7:16 PM, PDT )

People need to stop using the word « actually » when reviewing things. Example: « ’17 Again’ was an enjoyable, funny movie. »

(5 August 2009 1:57 PM, PDT )

That was a joke about tying my iPhone to my balls in attempt to reach the internet, which is obviously impossible outside a local network.

(5 August 2009 1:34 PM, PDT )

I don’t know what all the fuss is about – I’ve been tethering my iPhone for months now. Just takes a bit of twine and some commitment.

(5 August 2009 1:32 PM, PDT )

@ben_mayer Gnip-Gnop?

(5 August 2009 12:55 AM, PDT )

Late night record spinning…. 12:30-1:30am.

(5 August 2009 12:25 AM, PDT )

Just sitting at home, ordering some gifts for the grandchildren out of the Lillian Vernon catalog. I have 5 precious ones. And one cretin.

(4 August 2009 11:33 PM, PDT )

@ben_mayer Gnip-Gnop?

(4 August 2009 11:00 PM, PDT )

I can’t take it to heart because a) you might overuse that word and b) you call yourself the big dogg. RT @the_big_dogg YOU are pretentious.

(4 August 2009 6:06 PM, PDT )

I know it sounds pretentious, but I’m in day two of little-to-no sleep thanks to the new tunes swimming around in my head. #awesomeproblems

(4 August 2009 6:01 PM, PDT )

Sort of nervous… getting my anus darkened tomorrow. What can I expect, @perezhilton?

(4 August 2009 3:22 AM, PDT )

Operation: Battle Cat Chain is on. I wonder if @sonybmg will cover the cost (recoupable.) Stay tuned

(4 August 2009 3:18 AM, PDT ) Dear @koreantomcruise, I will have this mythical beast immortalized in rubies, emeralds and diamonds. TRUST.

(4 August 2009 3:17 AM, PDT )

Hanging @jbonamassa. What an incredible guitar player. Cool to say we might be contemporaries. Life is good!

(4 August 2009 1:01 AM, PDT )

And speaking of languge, I wish I could tweet in italics, since technically that is how you connote a thought.

(3 August 2009 8:34 PM, PDT )

By the way, that « uterus » line was designed to disgust. Yay language!

(3 August 2009 8:32 PM, PDT )

The best thing about working in music is that after you bust your ass on a tune it’s yours forever. My creative uterus is throbbing.

(3 August 2009 8:31 PM, PDT )

Wow! Closing your Twitter account is the new signing up for a Twitter account. Pouring a 40 out for @tonyheld and @carlmayer.

(3 August 2009 5:27 PM, PDT )

Apple head designer Jonathan Ive just ate a Chinese chicken salad. FCC to investigate.

(3 August 2009 2:37 PM, PDT )

Breaking news!!! Apple’s Cupertino campus to order two thousand staplers. Developing

(3 August 2009 2:35 PM, PDT )

Bedtime, babies. We’ll listen to records again soon. XO

(3 August 2009 4:01 AM, PDT ) insomniacs unite.

(3 August 2009 3:34 AM, PDT )

I can’t believe that last tweet made it past my internal Standards and Practices department.

(3 August 2009 3:29 AM, PDT )

I’m going to pick up a wayward tranny on the way home. Not a tranny who knows where she’s going. I’m talking a chick with a dick who’s lost.

(3 August 2009 3:09 AM, PDT )

Sorry, friends. Good stuff happening in the studio. Radio raincheck.

(3 August 2009 12:26 AM, PDT )

@Teresa_Thomas that’s a fairly good use of it. Bad graphic design reminds you that graphic design is involved.

(2 August 2009 11:44 PM, PDT )

Okay, not to be a Photoshop snob, but the overuse of the shadow/highlight filter needs to stop immediately. It’s everywhere.

(2 August 2009 10:21 PM, PDT )

Monday NYT puzzle is up on the crosswords app! Let’s get it on.

(2 August 2009 5:20 PM, PDT )

I think I’ll broadcast some afro-Cuban music tonight. Some old obscure vinyl rips. Maybe 1am-ish.

(2 August 2009 5:17 PM, PDT )

I know this new song I’m writing is worth working on because it actually affected my sleep… Played in my head all night. A great sign!

(2 August 2009 12:49 PM, PDT ) Let’s spin some records.

(2 August 2009 12:37 AM, PDT ) GOOD MORNING EAST COAST!!!!!

(1 August 2009 4:39 AM, PDT ) super late night set.

(1 August 2009 12:54 AM, PDT )

Thanks for listening. I’m going to do this a lot from now on. Late night flash radio shows.

(1 August 2009 12:33 AM, PDT )

I KNOW!! RT @cwboyer Tighten up that crossfade a little please, you’re basically just quietly terrible mashups in the transitions.


(31 July 2009 10:13 PM, PDT )

Hang in there. New address coming soon. Have to climb on the roof.

(31 July 2009 10:11 PM, PDT )

(31 July 2009 9:49 PM, PDT )

Bored at home? Tune into my internet radio show. Hitting at 9PM PST.

(31 July 2009 8:42 PM, PDT )

About to listen in on the mix session in NYC via live stream… this is great!

(31 July 2009 4:10 PM, PDT )

@samantharonson making sure you know that’s not a diss.

(31 July 2009 1:23 PM, PDT )

I say things at parties like « did you hear they’re putting microchips in dogs? » and Yoga! How fascinating. Show me something basic. »

(31 July 2009 1:19 PM, PDT )

FYI, I turn into a blithering baby after Wesnesday’s puzzle. I am bullshit smart, not real smart. I rock at parties though.

(31 July 2009 1:17 PM, PDT )

@samantharonson 22 Down, « get lost, in other words »…. « EATSH__ANDDIE »…. Hmmm. Don’t help me. Don’t help.

(31 July 2009 1:13 PM, PDT )

45 Down, « Nixon’s 247th word spoken during his presidency, » 9 letters. Oh! Got it. « Throbbing. »

(31 July 2009 1:08 PM, PDT )

Doing the Friday NYT crossword puzzle. What’s 32 across, « ostensibly paroxysmal, for example »… 43 letters?

(31 July 2009 1:05 PM, PDT )

(music plays: « I got you babe… ») Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your booties ’cause it’s cooooold out there today.

(31 July 2009 4:15 AM, PDT )

Hey Bob, you wanna come inside and use the bathro– no? Okay.

(31 July 2009 3:21 AM, PDT )

Update… @bobmaron called chicken at Studio City. Homophobe.

(31 July 2009 2:32 AM, PDT )

Playing gay chicken with @bobmaron. He’s puckered up in Thousand Oaks and I’m in Silverlake. We’re walking towards each other. Stay tuned.

(31 July 2009 12:46 AM, PDT )

First song went to mix today. Tomorrow I spend half the day in my parked car listening to « Who Says ». I listened to Continuum mixes in it.

(30 July 2009 11:28 PM, PDT )

« There’s no doubt, I was distracted making this album and I think you can hear it. »

(30 July 2009 7:40 PM, PDT )

People promoting their albums always say « this is my best yet. » I want to hear someone say « I took a giant step backwards with this album. »

(30 July 2009 7:39 PM, PDT )

Happy Birthday @cfranscoviak

(30 July 2009 6:12 PM, PDT )

RT @Pogue OK, THIS IS IT. Let’s wield our mass power–let’s tackle cell-carrier greed! Your marching orders:

(30 July 2009 11:06 AM, PDT )

The whole thing gets very tiresome and has led me to say « fuck it » and write exactly like I used to.

(29 July 2009 11:49 PM, PDT )

So I find myself trying to guess what they think they know and then trying to steer clear of it and find another way to explain myself.

(29 July 2009 11:48 PM, PDT )

I find it hard to write lyrics like I used to. This is not because people know so much about me, but because of what they think they know.

(29 July 2009 11:48 PM, PDT )

As soon as @birdmanandersen gets verified by Twitter, I’m going to advise you all to follow him. Until then, it’s too good to be true.

(29 July 2009 11:39 PM, PDT )

RT @savechimps Nightmare on Sesame Street #failedchildrensbooktitles

(29 July 2009 6:14 PM, PDT )

Whining, -4 points. RT @emmylou522 What is it with guys and points? It’s like they carry this invisible score card with them everywhere.

(29 July 2009 6:13 PM, PDT )

« Stifford The Big Red Hog » #failedchildrensbooktitles

(29 July 2009 6:03 PM, PDT )

Just came back from the dentist. Where I went. By my own volition. This earns me 8 grown-up points. Now back to poopie jokes.

(29 July 2009 5:56 PM, PDT )

@petewentz Pssst… everybody’s sleeping. Look at them all. So innocent. I’m going to put @iamdiddy‘s hand in warm water.

(29 July 2009 3:58 AM, PDT )

Thanks for coming out, night cats. Let’s do it again soon.

(29 July 2009 2:40 AM, PDT )

I loved tonight. Everything music should be. Raw and pure and sometimes great and sometimes not but everyone’s along for the ride.

(29 July 2009 2:37 AM, PDT )

Dear paparazzi, come and take some thrilling pics of me carrying a guitar and an amp through an alley. And be sure to shout nervously at me.

(28 July 2009 10:04 PM, PDT )

I’m playing a midnight set at Hotel Cafe tonight. 21+, $5 to get in. (paying in singles is appreciated. I’m going out after.)

(28 July 2009 9:59 PM, PDT )

So wrong, but funny. RT @JimTrem Have you ever just wanted to exchange all your friends for fresh, more exciting ones?

(28 July 2009 6:11 PM, PDT )

« I can’t complain but sometimes I still do, life’s been good to me so far… »

(28 July 2009 4:52 PM, PDT )

Feels like a Tuesday.

(28 July 2009 2:20 PM, PDT )

@jeffstaple ha! iPhone camera. That’s how great the M8 is. Makes other cameras take better pics than they usually do.

(28 July 2009 12:16 AM, PDT )

Leica M8.2 in white!! 1 of 2 prototypes made. Will @bobmaron get the other?

(28 July 2009 12:09 AM, PDT )

If I were to form a new group in the vein of CSNY, who should be in it?

(27 July 2009 2:45 PM, PDT )

« Then there was the time he showed up to my house with two Ferarris. He would race them both to Vegas. At the same time. »

(27 July 2009 2:41 PM, PDT )

« John had always had an obsession with Betsy, but steered clear knowing that he was dating her. I think it slowly killed him. »

(27 July 2009 2:39 PM, PDT )

From those dynamic clashes came great music. I’m self-centered by design. I’m going to steal my own girlfriend some day just for the song.

(27 July 2009 2:36 PM, PDT )

Reading a bio on the California rock scene of the ’60s. Sometimes I wish I had bandmates to have falling outs with.

(27 July 2009 2:33 PM, PDT )

Sandpeople travel in single file to hide their numbers. This makes them a major letdown in gangbangs. #JawasRule

(27 July 2009 1:57 AM, PDT )

This weekend at Comic-Con I slept with nine Sailor Moons. Not an easy task when you’re dressed like a Stormtrooper. #rimshotplease

(27 July 2009 1:52 AM, PDT )

What do you say if you literally have to drop some kids off at the pool? I’d say « I’m going to take a giant dump. »

(26 July 2009 7:59 PM, PDT )

@stylenoir I’m ready to go black with a « go back » clause.

(26 July 2009 7:32 PM, PDT )

RT @carlmayer 22 percent of all TwitPics are of food. 17 percent are of girls kissing vodka bottles. #twitterfacts

(26 July 2009 7:28 PM, PDT )

Sometimes I think I tweet too much nonsense, but then I realize this is as much nonsense as I usually talk, so it’s like hanging with me.

(26 July 2009 7:20 PM, PDT )

It won’t be me. Someone way too busy to tweet right now. RT @JaydDragyn does this mean in ’12 John Mayer takes over the musical world??

(26 July 2009 6:58 PM, PDT )

@carlmayer sorry. Meant 79. Though I’m sure 78 holds up too.

(26 July 2009 6:51 PM, PDT )

@carlmayer look at the billboard charts for 78 89 and 99. Relative quality level is the same. 82? MJ. 92? Nirvana/Pearl Jam. 02? Coldplay.

(26 July 2009 6:50 PM, PDT )

How are some of these bands that are big this year not exactly like Warrant was in ’89? Watch your back for the next Cobain in ’12.

(26 July 2009 5:51 PM, PDT )

Listening to the hits channel on Sirius. I will reserve criticism but say that every ninth year of a decade really brings the junk.

(26 July 2009 5:50 PM, PDT )

If so many people are still in love with music from the ’80s, why don’t we just start making more? Same gear, same recording process

(26 July 2009 5:06 PM, PDT )

No, but good luck explaining the phrase « don’t like. » RT @SharaO will you be my boyfriend? I don’t like mine.

(26 July 2009 3:06 AM, PDT ) Where were you when you first heard this song? I was in Mrs. McSquart’s self-suturing class in the first grade.

(26 July 2009 2:50 AM, PDT )

What’s good, Fudgey The Whale?!

(25 July 2009 10:14 PM, PDT )

What’s good, Pathmark??

(25 July 2009 8:56 PM, PDT )

RT @tonyheld 310-421-4606 @bobmaron call him now!!!

(24 July 2009 10:00 PM, PDT )

What’s good Time Warner Cable, charity dinners, Comedy Cellar and Carnegie Deli?

(24 July 2009 9:49 PM, PDT )

@DJ_AM total joke! Not spinning. Need a lesson from you first!

(24 July 2009 9:45 PM, PDT )

What’s good Drake’s cakes and snow delays???!!!

(24 July 2009 6:26 PM, PDT )

To anybody in Vegas, I’ll be spinning tonight at Pure nightclub. I won’t be DJing. Just spinning. With my arms wide out.

(24 July 2009 5:27 PM, PDT )

At the grocery store checkout line, looking at tabloids. How can my dick be in so many places at the same time?

(24 July 2009 3:03 PM, PDT )

What’s good, Channel 9 Mets rain delay movie????!!!!!

(24 July 2009 12:54 PM, PDT )

What’s good, Billy Joel’s music and north and southbound highway McDonald’s rest stops?

(24 July 2009 2:42 AM, PDT )

What’s good, Holland Tunnel and Dunkin’ Donuts?

(24 July 2009 2:35 AM, PDT )

In honor of my utter homesickness, I’m going to declare this ‘East Coast, What’s Good?’ Weekend… What’s good, Secaucus?

(24 July 2009 2:33 AM, PDT )

@markhoppus have a great show and an amazing tour. I wish you safe travels and hotel porn you can pause and fast forward.

(23 July 2009 9:41 PM, PDT )

On a double date with @bobmaron and our dads. I think my heart is going to explode.

(23 July 2009 8:55 PM, PDT )

Mariah Carey’s favorite instrument is the Theremin. #musicfacts

(23 July 2009 5:12 PM, PDT )

Guns N Roses’ ‘Patience’ was recorded in 37 takes. #musicfacts

(23 July 2009 4:58 PM, PDT )

Singer Katy Perry suffers from deep vein thrombosis. #musicfacts

(23 July 2009 4:54 PM, PDT )

RT @carlmayer John Williams has never seen a film. #musicfacts

(23 July 2009 4:49 PM, PDT )

U2’s The Edge was born Nathan Dooley. #musicfacts

(23 July 2009 4:39 PM, PDT )

As I had requested. RT @MichaelTraut Listening to Continuum on vinyl. The hole (…) isn’t centered, and its wowing towards the inside. 😦

(23 July 2009 4:32 PM, PDT )

I don’t mind traffic. It gives me a chance to brush up on my seething, indiscriminate hatred.

(23 July 2009 4:01 PM, PDT )

What Cannibal Corpse song are you? I’m « Frantic Disembowelment. »

(23 July 2009 12:10 PM, PDT )

At one point he bit into a chicken sandwich and a fair bit of pesto fell on De Niro’s shoe.

(23 July 2009 11:52 AM, PDT )

I believed them to have been an assortment. I saw pumpernickel. RT @duckie808 no insights to the sandwiches in his bag?

(23 July 2009 11:40 AM, PDT )

He had a bag of sandwiches with him that he couldn’t stop eating. Just one sandwich after another. Carried mustard in a holster.

(23 July 2009 11:37 AM, PDT )

I will be at Comic-Con this weekend to participate in a panel about the time I walked by Robert Pattinson backstage at the Oscars.

(23 July 2009 11:35 AM, PDT )

Tonight, at a bar: went to pee, couldn’t pee. Pretended to pee, didn’t pee. Flushed, zipped, washed hands, left. Need to pee.

(23 July 2009 3:49 AM, PDT )

Sepulveda #1stdraftbandnames

(22 July 2009 5:39 PM, PDT )

LOL RT @carlmayer The Mitch Mitchell Experience #1stdraftbandnames

(22 July 2009 5:34 PM, PDT )

RT @FOX8_Emily Coldcuts #1stdraftbandnames

(22 July 2009 3:44 PM, PDT )

The Hu #1stdraftbandnames

(22 July 2009 2:39 PM, PDT )

Lady Tauntaun #1rstdraftbandnames

(22 July 2009 2:33 PM, PDT )

@ThisIsRobThomas MatchGame Twenty

(22 July 2009 2:22 PM, PDT )

@samantharonson Foreigner! Took a second.

(22 July 2009 2:01 PM, PDT )

Minivan Halen #1rstdraftbandnames

(22 July 2009 3:32 AM, PDT )

Duran Duran Duran #1rstdraftbandnames

(22 July 2009 3:30 AM, PDT )

The Cops #1rstdraftbandnames

(22 July 2009 3:25 AM, PDT )

Metallicy #1rstdraftbandnames

(22 July 2009 2:05 AM, PDT )

Good: « let’s go to my room. » Bad: « let’s go to my room, where I do the brunt of my f@&ing. »

(22 July 2009 2:01 AM, PDT )

Did you hear that kids are buying crystal meth and turning it into nasal decongestant? Crazy world we live in.

(22 July 2009 12:18 AM, PDT )

@chadbrose Telefunken 251. Usually a Telefunken 47 though.

(21 July 2009 10:27 PM, PDT )

Today I saw a hummingbird fly into a glass window. He had this « meant to do that » look on his face but I knew it had to hurt.

(21 July 2009 9:19 PM, PDT )

Production trick: I sing into a stage mic for the sense memory of performing live. Big fat studio mic records it.

(21 July 2009 6:15 PM, PDT )

Even though the circumstances were less than ideal, I really enjoyed talking to @kingsthings. He really is fantastic.

(21 July 2009 3:16 PM, PDT )

Todays workout: 3 sets of seated e-mail checks, 3 sets of reverse incline texting.

(21 July 2009 2:59 PM, PDT )

@petewentz Molex! And a Banerai. And a Fratek Trelippe. And am IWG. And an Audemors Progat.

(21 July 2009 12:45 AM, PDT )

Writer’s block cure: accept temporary suckage.

(21 July 2009 12:25 AM, PDT )

@ddlovato I’m listening to the unauthorized deluxe version of « Here We Go Again » with « Shut Up And Love Me » on it. 🙂

(21 July 2009 12:16 AM, PDT )

@ddlovato it’s an incredibly difficult task, to grow as an artist while the world watches and listens. I know you have the soul-GPS!!

(21 July 2009 12:04 AM, PDT )

I say « soon-to-be » because I want to piss her off and keep her on her toes.

(20 July 2009 11:49 PM, PDT )

AND…AND… @ddlovato has a new record out that I co-wrote a song on. She’s super talented and soon-to-be mega talented.

(20 July 2009 11:46 PM, PDT )

The terrific Bill Frisell just released a new record. Exactly what I need right now.

(20 July 2009 11:19 PM, PDT )

I love this visual. I will not let you down sire! RT @FACTSHACK creep up on it and stab it with your funk axe!

(20 July 2009 8:58 PM, PDT )

Gotta catch this song I have in my head. Always tricky. Try too long for it and it vaporizes. Gonna sneak up on this groove and then

(20 July 2009 8:55 PM, PDT )

Doing vocal warmups, trying to simulate that 1am singing vibe in the afternoon.

(20 July 2009 5:29 PM, PDT )

The single-serve idea is killing my writing. Laying off a little in the coming weeks. Need books, thoughts, a sequence of ideas that build.

(19 July 2009 9:03 PM, PDT )

Suffering cerebral atrophy. Since I’ve been communicating in short pulses, I’ve been writing lyrics the same way.

(19 July 2009 9:02 PM, PDT )

There’s nothing like clubbing with your business manager. You can turn a table upside down and then be like, « pay for that. »

(19 July 2009 2:40 AM, PDT )

James Brond can only hold his breath for about 12 seconds. Without shitting himself, 9. #jamesbrondfacts

(18 July 2009 11:19 PM, PDT )

Listening to a remix of « Boom Boom Pow ». It was sort of like a remix already. Someone should premix it.

(18 July 2009 10:13 PM, PDT )

« That James Brond is one bad mothaf- » « Shut yo mouth! » « yah, you’re right. » #jamesbrondfacts

(18 July 2009 7:12 PM, PDT )

When Brond drives a woman home it takes him 3 minutes to move his Snapple bottles from the passenger seat to the trunk. #jamesbrondfacts

(18 July 2009 7:02 PM, PDT )

RT @JTrem_BD James Brond, while horrible at cards, excels at Jenga. #jamesbrondfacts

(18 July 2009 6:13 PM, PDT )

James Brond snorkels in and out of some of the most dangerous places on earth. Via @cfranscoviak #jamesbrondfacts

(18 July 2009 6:06 PM, PDT )

James Brond’s missions are sometimes delayed due to his need for frequent, short naps. #jamesbrondfacts

(18 July 2009 6:05 PM, PDT )

James Brond’s Astin Martin is 15% Bondo. Via @cfranscoviak #jamesbrondfacts

(18 July 2009 6:01 PM, PDT )

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